Moving On

Why is it so hard to move on? Is it because I spent a year with him and truly loved him? Everywhere I drive or go I'm afraid I might run into him, not that that would be necessarily bad, but what would I even say or do? Would I ignore him? Would I say hi and ask how he's doing? It's been a week and a half since we broke up, its gotten easier, less crying, less drinking, you know. But I still won't turn on the radio, won't go to any store or the mall when I know he could be there. I try to get out of Waukesha in a hurry after work in fear that our cars cross paths. The only real thing still keeping me tethered to him is twitter. I usually check everyday to see what he's been up to. Mainly I'm generally confused about his tweets, always have been, so its nothing new. But anytime I look at it, I just want to rip my insides out and scream because of how much he has hurt me. Maybe the only way to move on his delete him as a friend, but I'm just not ready. I don't want him to get the wrong idea either.

I've replayed this in my head a thousand times. Everything that has happened. If we meet sometime in the not to distant future I'd tell him how I've missed him and I love him still, but tell him he hurt me worse by dumping me, without giving us a try. I'm a different messed up person than I was before. More angry, but still easy to forgive. Have a higher, thicker wall built up around me. No longer trust easily. Let him know that if we were to try this again no longer can you run away when things get tough. But maybe he is too far damaged by everything that has happened, and so am I that friendship is all we have left.

Let me tell you, this moving on thing, is no easy task. And I feel like everyday that passes, the moving on gets worse. It makes me feel more anger well up inside me. I gave him everything and he f'd it all up. I shouldn't feel this way.

Peace&Love
~L