Taking Stock: April Edition

Making: efforts to eat more clean
Cooking: eggs and avocado and bacon...ALL. THE. TIME.
Drinking: flavored water
Reading: about camping trips
Wanting: a longer vacation, alone, to think about life
Looking: at old pictures
Playing: The Lumineers on repeat
Remembering: this time last year
Trying: to forget about this awful day
Watching: iZombie...don't ask
Deciding: what to wear tomorrow
Wishing: for a better tomorrow
Planning: on getting my budgeting back on track
Enjoying: this 80 degree weather in APRIL!
Waiting: for league softball to start
Liking: eggs, avocado and bacon
Needing: some answers to which direction I'm headed in in life, and quickly
Wearing: workout clothes
Noticing: my patience at work is wearing thin
Smelling: nothing
Buying: nothing, trying to limit my spending
Craving: pizza

Here's to better tomorrows and to answered questions!

Peace&Love
~L

Accepting Myself

I know me. I understand me. I know what makes me happy, angry and sad. I know what I like and dont like. Im constantly evolving. Im not perfect. I make mistakes. I am a health nut. Runner. Advocate for nutrition. Im an asthmatic. I have allergies. My body is weaker than some. But I am strong. I am a fighter.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of sorts. I have been dealt my fair share of minor health problems. Ive been dealing with sharp pains in my abdomen/uterian area only to come to find ovarian cysts. Ive had rashes that no doctor can figure out, other than possible allergic reactions, even though nothing in my daily routine had changed. Ive had the flu and an upper respiratory infection all in a short 3 months. You would think my 27 year old body was shutting down, but its still fighting.

Yesterday I had a slew of tests done for my asthma. Im not sure what any of it means yet. I have no information on any of it. What I do know is, I dont want to be on any heavy steriods or other meds. I want to find a natural way to take care of my asthma. I want to be smart about it too. I exercise at least 5 times a week and yet I still struggle daily to breathe. I dont want this hindrance, when exercise should be helping. I want answers as to what I can do and what I need to change in my lifestyle. I hate having to deal with this, but I also know Im strong enough to handle whatever gets thrown at me. I will keep working too find an answer. I will keep fighting.

Peace&Love
-l

Taking Stock March

I apologize for not writing on here really at all these days. Life in more ways than one has gotten the best of me. Ive been dealing with a lot of health issues from ovarian cysts to upper respiratory infections, which I currently cant seem to shake.

Making: meal plans for my clean eating
Cooking: healthy meals
Drinking: hot cocoa
Reading: inspiring quotes
Wanting: life to give me something good here
Looking: at ways to improve my overall health
Playing: quiet tunes
Remembering: my trip to portland
Trying: to accept that Im not in the best place health wise
Watching: The Blacklist
Deciding: what to do with my weekend
Wishing: I had someone to take care of me
Planning: my visit to the pulmonary specialist
Enjoying: cuddling in a warm blanket
Waiting: to get back to 100%
Liking: quinoa
Needing: some advice
Wearing: sweats
Noticing: the weather is finally looking up
Smelling: nothing
Buying: rounds of kickboxing
Craving: a big, long hug

Peace &love
~l

Taking Stock: February Edition

Making: efforts to make better meals
Cooking: healthy foods
Drinking: gatorade
Reading: a whole lot of nothing
Wanting: more time outside
Looking: for shamrock leggings
Playing: dots
Remembering: relationships Ive had with people and what they all meant to me
Trying: to understand its good to be alone
Watching: trash tv
Deciding: between getting masters or travelling
Wishing: i had more vacation time
Planning: girls night out
Enjoying: the longer days
Waiting: to get my next tattoo
Liking: vaseline for my dry skin
Needing: an adventure
Wearing: work attire
Noticing: how empty my life feels
Smelling: nothing
Buying: not healthy foods
Craving: pancakes

Peace&Love
-l

Trying to be Brave

It is hard for me to think about where Im going in this life. I live life day to day and try not to think about what the future holds. This has been hard to do especially recently. Time to get a little graphic here...

About 6 months ago I started developing pain in my lower stomach/uterian area. I chalked it up to menstrual cramps and moved on with life. However, the pain started to get more severe and more frequent. This concerned me because growing up, I guess you could say I was blessed, but I never had bad cramps and my periods lasted for about 4 days and were done. Now I was looking at longer and heavier ones. My cramping was so bad days prior to having my period that I physically had a hard time doing anything. I went to my doctor immediately and she discussed my options. Which at the time, I was too scared to ask questions or push for tests, even knowing my family history of uterian cancer. She told me I could either go on a low dose birth control pill to help regulate everything and hopefully take away the pain or just take lots of pain meds prior to my period instead of taking the pill. I decided to at least try the pill. Now here I am 3 months later and probably in the most severe pain Ive been in my whole life. It has gotten to the point where I call in to work because otherwise I would be keeled over in gut wrenching pain. At points, I have to vomit because of that pain. I have no appetite or desire to put anything into my body. Whats worse is the pain comes suddenly and lasts for hours. Yesterday, the pain hit and it hit hard. Thoughts swirled in my head of all the potential things it could be. It made me mad at my doctor for thinking just a pill was going to help and when I called her awhile back to ask her what to do, she said to try at least another month. Here I am half a month into her request to finish out the month and I just dont think I can. I called my mom, who had her uterus removed because of a tumor and asked what she felt. Was I feeling that as well? My cousin had to at an early age remove hers because of cancer and had no chance of having children. Im 27, not married and have no children. I have been happy living this way, because Im not ready to have a child and I havent found the one to settle down with and make that happen. But the possible idea of not being able to create that miracle scares me to no end. I think about how Im too young. How its not fair I have to go through this. And most of it Im going through completely alone. The endless online searches to self diagnosis all the possibilities, when in fact I have no clue. I just have to take a step back and start over. Find a new doctor. Pray on it. Get all the proper tests and procedures. Pray on it. Not jump the gun on thinking it could be my death sentence or that my opportunity to have children has been taken away from me. I know how strong I am and how strong I can be. This is the ultimate test of bravery. Whatever the outcome is, good or bad, how will I react?

Peace&Love
-l

Realization

Somewhere between wanting to be free, young, wild and crazy and reconnecting with him and losing him all over again I lost some of myself trying to figure it all out. As if I needed answers to everything right away. I was holding on so desparately to something that was toxic to me. I wanted so badly to just be with someone. Someone who would take away the hurt, the sting of loneliness, but instead I was getting more hurt, confused, and lonely. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? Perhaps I was just blind by my own ignorance and love. But I was never getting the full truth and sometimes I would just brush things under the rug, because I didnt want to believe those things or that they werent big enough to face. I didnt realize it until recently, how much I was being used and walked all over. How much I never knew what was actually going on. Not once and probably more than twice, I was cheated/dumped on because I was too boring. I should have left the first time. I should never have let that continue, because it only got worse. But there I was crying nearly everyday because I never felt good enough, but I wanted him more than anything. Ladies, you should never have to put yourself through that emotional pain. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean they love you back the same or at all. I was used to that pain. I was comfortable with him. Afraid to let him go. He was my best friend and maybe that was the biggest reason I didnt want to lose him. He understood me like nobody else. But yet I wasnt worth it to him. He still wanted to go off and have relationships with other women and I guess loved them too. I get you can love multiple people in different ways at different levels, but how many can you truly love? Everytime we got back together I wanted to believe it would be different. But somehow I was the one who was not to be trusted. I was the one making the wrong choices. I was the one causing pain. When in fact, nothing about me had changed at all. I wanted, with every fiber of my being for us to work, for me to believe everything he said. But it was in those moments that fighting became exhausting. I still felt like I was being lied to. I still felt that if it wasnt in 6 months or a year, at some point I would be boring again and he would ultimately want someone else and love them too. I could never explain the pain he put me through to him. It is never what a woman wants to hear that your man wants to marry you, loves you and has always had good times with you, but then says he loved and had good times with a woman he was just recently involved with. How does that make you feel any different? How special are you at that point? Do I think about him all the time? Yes. Do I wish for things to have been different? Yes. Did I see a future with him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Will I always care about him? Yes. But its realizing that you have to protect yourself and be happy with yourself first. It is recovering from that. Picking up all the pieces and rebuilding yourself. I am a stronger, more independent, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted woman. But i realize I need and have to put myself first. To me, he was always worth my fight, my tears, my heartache. But Im not sure I was worth all that to him. It is in letting go of what no longer serves you that makes you better.

To the long road ahead...

Peace&love
-l

Taking Stock January Edition

Making: goals and dreams happen
Cooking: healthy foods
Drinking: warm drinks
Reading: whatever I can when I have time
Wanting: a few more days off of work
Looking: for ways to save money
Playing: Dots
Remembering: what 2015 taught me
Trying: new workouts
Watching: Making A Murderer
Deciding: on a small weekend trip with the girls
Wishing: I could smell again
Planning: on fun winter activities this month
Enjoying: my last day of freedom before work consumes my life
Waiting: for this week to pass
Liking: any lotion that I can put on my body
Needing: a giant cup of tea
Wearing: flannel jammies
Noticing: the days are getting longer
Smelling: see wishing above
Buying: clothes
Craving: someone to cuddle with

Peace &Love
-l