When's It Time to Walk Away?

Well, folks, I've been down this road before. I'm pretty sure everyone has been there numerous times before. I know I have. When is it time to walk away? As most of you know I work at a daycare, not saying where specifically, for hopefully obvious reasons. I've worked at daycares for as long as I can remember. Where I'm working right now I haven't even worked there a full year and I think the time has come to put all of this daycare stuff to rest. As much as I love working with children and getting to play 80% of my day...it's time for a new adult job.

What has brought on this sudden interest in change? The simple fact that I'm sick of it. I have these feelings from time to time, but it hit be like a brick yesterday, that this is it. This is my last stretch. It's time to put down this career choice and pick up a new one that may actually pay much better and allow me to use my degree. I've also been treated like everyone's bitch over the past week and a half. As much as I like being out of my own classroom from time to time to break things up, I don't like it every single day. Why am I lesson planning and cutting out art when I'm not even going to be with my own kids? And you put in the newbie instead of me? It isn't fair. But I can't sit here and complain about that, since it's really out of my control. As much as it sucks. Besides the fact that my hours are being cut. I have the opening shift, but most of the time I'm leaving by 1 instead of 2.Obviously, that's what hurts the most. I need the money, but I can't stay to get the hours. Today I was kitchen lady and that means, clean dishes, prepare lunch and snack. We also got a load of supplies in today which was a lot of boxes to open and product to put away. Of course I had to do it all alone. I also had to get a list of other random stuff done. This isn't what I signed up for. I also got a complaint from another teacher that the meatloaf was cold. I told her it was in for an hour I checked to make sure it was warm enough and it was. I apologized and asked her if she wanted me to take it back and heat it up some more. She said no I guess it will be fine. I honestly, don't understand whats happening these days at work, but I'm getting sick of being pushed out of my room. I shouldn't be the one who has to do it all the time. And so I've come to the conclusion...it's time to walk away.


Peace&Love
~L

These Thoughts Are Eating Me Alive

Bad bad bad naughty thoughts. I should preface this by saying that ex-boy and I are back together again. I have a post saved that I never published describing how that came to be. It's everything that I've wanted and been waiting for I should be over the moon happy, but still I sit here with thoughts eating away at my brain. Is he just doing this to make me happy? Is he just settling because he can't or doesn't want to find someone else? I see tweets of his about checking out other females...and I know he just does that as a joke...and talking to other females. I'm not typically the jealous type. I don't care if he talks to females, but if you know the reason why we broke up in the first place, you would understand my concern. I spent the night at his place on Friday and he was telling me how happy he is we are back together. He told me he knew I was the one, when we weren't together and he couldn't go a day without wanting me there. He said he thinks it was good to be apart so we both could figure out what we really wanted and if this was it. In the middle of the night he rolled over popped up and said, you are the love of my life. It's just you and me til the end. Forever and always. So you wonder why I would ever question or doubt him...I wonder the same. Maybe this time I'm too scared to go all the way in. Maybe this time it feels different. I still have to trust him. I don't ever want to hold what he did to me over his head. I feel like our relationship will never grow if I can't move past it. Maybe its things like him texting me...our first time around he texted me morning, noon and night, now its a rarity and if he does it's basically asking me how my day was and that's it. I told myself this time through I wouldn't be as clingy as I feel I was the first time. I want to spend time with him, but he should be able to spend time alone and with his friends too. But I feel as though he still doesn't understand that I want time with him too. I don't always want to hang out with his friends and family every weekend. And maybe because we know each other this time around we don't have to put on a front to try and win the other person over. And maybe I'm just overthinking and overanalyzing everything like I always do and I simply can't let it be what it is. I think the hardest part right now is he asked me to do this again and I agreed to it, but I feel like we still haven't discussed what we want to do differently in our relationship this time. Obviously I want him to be open and honest with me and not lie to me. But most of all even though we are starting all over again so to speak, and the fiery passion is there and playfulness is there, it went away last time we did this and I think that's what started our downward spiral. This time when it starts to fade, we have to be willing to stick together and not run away. We have to find things to do that ignite that passion and playfulness. I know and understand that I'm going to hurt him and he will hurt me at some point in our relationship. We aren't perfect. I also know we will fight. But through all of that I don't want us to ignore whatever happened or walk away from each other. I want us to talk and work through it, otherwise this relationship is never going to happen. I know he talks about moving in together and how he really means it this time. I do believe him. But we have to find a balance and not be afraid to talk to each other.

Anyways this is it in a nutshell: I do love him with all of my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I am afraid to do this all over again, for fear of my heart being broken more than it ever possibly could again. This is exactly how I feel, quote from HIMYM "Being in a couple is hard, committing, making sacrifices it's hard. But if it's the right person, its easy. Looking at the girl (or my case man) and knowing she's all you really want in life that should be the easiest thing in the world. If its not like that then she's not the one." It really is that simple, he is all I really want in life. Period.


Sorry for my crazy word vomit and emotional thoughts.

Peace&Love
~L

Floating

This has been a rather wild week at work. It really is hard to come back after a week long vacation. Although it is not as bad as it could have been. It's Thursday and I'm completely exhausted. I have one more day and unfortunately I work 9-6 tomorrow, instead of my usual 6-2. Most of the week has been going pretty fast as I have been in and out of my classroom. We have not had our usual number of students and way too many staff, so I've been a floater for a few days this week and it is definitely not my favorite. Today I disinfected our classroom toys which needed to be done anyways. That took a good chunk of my morning. I broke 2 teachers for their lunch. One who is in the 2.5-3 yr old room and the other who is infants. I was in infants earlier this week as well. I also had to stay in infants after her break since she was teaching another boy Spanish. Usually I like having the opportunity to get out of my classroom for a bit to help break up the monotony, but since I haven't even been back a week I really do miss my classroom. Tomorrow I have a feeling will be much of the same floating around since again we will only have 5 children. And since I start so much later it will make it seem like a much longer day. Anyways, enough complaining about my job and the rather lacklusterness of it all.

Peace&Love
~L

Welcome Back to SC

As you all know I took a trip down to SC this past week. It was great to be reunited, but let me tell you this weary body is happy to be back home. I've missed WI. A little recap of the week: spent a majority of it at the beach getting tan. Went to Charleston for a day. (Probably my favorite city in the US, right behind Boston.) Went back to my Alma Mater for an afternoon to see all of the changes. Did a little touristy shopping. And stuffed my face full of southern cuisine. I will let the pictures do the talking.

My new man ;)

Me in front of the Wall building

The new Rec Center @ CCU

The bridge looking at Prince

Spent many a class period in the fine arts building

Gorgeous flowers

An addition to the library

My Alma Mater

The SkyWheel on the beach

Customs house in Charleston

Originally used as the slave mart

Love this verse

Monument to the Civil War

My future home

Fort Sumter

Love the architecture

Original wall surrounding the city



Another hot man ;)

Sounds kind of Poe-esque

Inside one of the churches

The only Huguenot church in America

Interesting fact

USS I forgot what its called

Peace&Love
~L

Another Mini Hiatus

This time I'm not really taking a break to clear my head, although a vacation, like to Myrtle Beach, will probably due just that. I will be away from work, home, WI. I need to just get my head in a clear state of my mind, because when I get back things will start picking up steam. At work I will have a lot more children and a new co-teacher. Hope she works well with me. At home...well looking for a new one and hope to be moved in pretty soon after I get back from the Beach. Anyways, these things I will not worry about currently. I have one more day left of work then begins the long 17hr drive to fun adventures. My brain is sort of already on vacation mode. Don't miss me too much while I'm gone. I'll make sure to have a few cocktails on the beach for you!

Peace&Love
~L

Emergency Room Rendevous

If you've ever read in previous posts, I have talked here and there about my breathing problems. There is no great time for my lungs ever. The change of seasons tends to make it worse. You add allergens floating out and about and well I can't win. Recently the past few weeks I've been having some difficulty breathing but whenever I've gone in to a clinic they tell me my breathing is great. Sure, during the day it usually is, but night after night I've been waking up struggling for air. Some nights it isn't so bad, other nights, like last night require a lot more help.

At around 1045 last night, after I had been asleep for nearly 2 hours. I woke up and was extremely thirsty. I had a little water left in my water bottle took a few sips and thought I'd fall back to sleep. As soon as my head hit the pillow things started to go south. Almost instantaneously I couldn't breath. I was coughing so hard trying to get something out of my lungs. But nothing. If you have ever had asthma you know exactly what I'm talking about. The feeling you will never be able to get oxygen. You grab your emergency inhaler, wait for it to start kicking in, and it doesn't. Minutes go by that feel like hours. Then I decided it was time to head in. I didn't want to because I know the bill will be quiet high. But I'd rather pay $200, than be dead. So off to the ER I went. Doctor confirmed it was an asthma attack, from what? Most likely my allergies. I got a breathing treatment, which I've had plenty of times before. Was flying high as a kite and shaking quite profusely. But it felt good to be able to breathe. It was about 1245 as I was headed out the door when a few EMT's, nurses and an old, scruffy, dirty, drunk man walked down the hall. The drunk had his had down his pants and the nurses were trying to contain their laughter. Apparently, according to my nurse they had bets placed on him, but she couldn't tell me what they were. I told her I don't envy their job. I can just imagine all the crazy people that come in late at night. She said, lets just say you were the first sane person to walk in here tonight.

I got home shortly after 1 and laid in bed with my heart racing like crazy. I'm not sure when I fell asleep, but I woke up way to early and I'm about nearly ready to crash. I'm glad I went and took care of this little problem. I definitely don't prefer it, but it is my life.

Here's to hopefully a healthy rest of the year!

Peace&Love
~l

Upon My Return

I thought this would be easier. I thought giving myself time to think and be me and whatever else taking a break from blogging entails would be good. I realized that so much of the time when I do get stressed or need a place to drain my thoughts, blogging is my outlet. When I took that away, I took away that release. Not saying that I shouldn't have given myself a break from the blogging world, but I've missed it.

Have I gone away to do what I said I would? Clear my head? Get back to me? Find my inner free spirit? Did I find the girl who doesn't settle and take no for an answer? The girl who has a constant itch to try something new or be on the move? I'm not sure I have. I feel more foggy and confused than I ever have.

I started writing the above a little over a week ago and knew there was still so much to think about and I couldn't share it yet.

Yes I'm still as clueless as I was before the hiatus. I've realized a few things though. 1) I have a powerful personality and sometimes it comes across as being mean or having an attitude and by no means am I trying to do that. I'm naturally sarcastic and many people don't understand that. 2) I want to be free more than anything else. I don't want to be tethered to something. I want to love my job, but I don't want to be so committed that if another opportunity presents itself I can't do it because I don't want to take the risk. That's just it I'm a risk taker. I have no commitments that are keeping me stuck. 3) I want to travel. And learn. Immerse myself in another culture. I want to keep learning. Sometimes the best way to learn is from someone else somewhere else. 4)I still haven't let go of ex-boy. Maybe that's my biggest problem at current. I still talk and hang out with him. I love him. Maybe I'm confusing loving him and being IN love with him. He broke my heart. Period. The fact that I forgave him and moved on and can still be friends with him is pretty impressive. But I think about the future...what if I'm offered a job or find another job in another state? What if I go abroad for a few months and have no contact with him? Should I be that person that waits for him or have him have such a hold over my life? It is MY life and no one person should dictate what I do or where I go. But I can't or maybe I don't want to see what my life would be like without him. And maybe it's selfish of me to think of the what ifs to our relationship. What if he never did what he did? What if he was just honest about how he was feeling? What if we stayed together after all of the stuff that happened? What if we could go back to the beginning of it all? But the what if's aren't getting me anywhere. Because what happened has happened. No matter how much I wish it didn't. 5) I don't have much time before I have to find a new place to live. In many ways I'm so ready to move out of this shit hole. But I'm ready to be able to live on my own. I just want my own place. I want to decorate it how I want it. I want it to look clean and nice and inviting. But I can't financially afford that and so I need a roommate. I do love my current roommate, we generally get along. But because of how much I just want to live alone...I feel like I'm pushing her away a little. 6) I want to go back and get my master's. But all I see are problems. Money. Where would I go? Will there be a better paying job in what I want to do on the other end? Leaving ex-boy(see #4 above). I'm very comfortable just upping and leaving and moving out. I've done it a few times before. I'm very strong and independent that way. 7) Somewhere in the past few years, maybe more or less months, I've lost my relationship with God. I do believe in him and what he has done for me. I just don't practice anymore. Maybe it's me believing in God and not religion. I don't want to be that person that says, well so much shit has happened to me recently and I blame God. Well, shit has happened no doubt, but I've never been one to dwell on the negatives and question why they happen to me. I usually take it as a lesson and move on. I've been blessed with being a strong person. But I used to be so confident in all that I believe and I never used to shy away from it. Now I feel like I don't know who or what I am in God's eyes. And I do know a lot of ways to fix that relationship. Prayer. Studying. Church. Forgiveness.

Here's what it comes down to: I'm still a very confused individual who has a lot to sort out and think about. Maybe in a month's time after my vacation and I move out of this current place, things will start to be less foggy. Maybe things will be a little easier and understandable. Maybe things with ex-boy will change and the romantic feelings I still have for him can be fully submerged. I have to understand that I don't know 100% what he wants out of this and if he ever wants us to get back together romantically. If he doesn't I have to accept that. All I know is I have to keep being that independent and strong willed woman and keep trusting in the choices that I make.

Just some quotes that are getting me to think.

Peace&Love
~L