The First Snowfall

The first snowfall occurred about a week ago and it was quite magical as it always is to me. I love and have loved the first sighting of that white stuff falling from the sky. I'm not sure what it is that I love so much, because after that first one I hate it for the rest of the season. Maybe because it doesn't stick yet. Maybe because for a short time the world seems to be perfect and serene. This morning on my way to work it was snowing again and let me tell you it was perfect and quiet and peaceful. Snow can be magical and transform the landscape. Watching my kiddos watch the big flakes falling from the sky and really appreciating and understanding what it is, also helps.

Peace&Love
~L

An Emotional Week

There was so much that I wanted to fill you in on and talk to you all about, but this past week killed me in every possible way. It started off if you will last Sunday, boy and I had done some shopping for his Christmas party and things were and have been going great for us the past couple of months. Taking things slow and remembering why we fell in love with each other has been working. I said my good-byes to him on Sunday night and was preparing for what I thought would be an average work week. However, it was far from it. The lack of children in our room and the overstaffing and the loss of our A.D. really started to take its toll on me. Why me specifically? Because it directly effected me. Since our class was low, I had to be pulled out or sent home early. Instead of pulling someone else or having someone else come in later. But then anytime I try to talk to them, it becomes well it is the unfortunate disadvantage of working the earliest shift. Bullshit it is. So my hours being cut started this whole thing. Then the lack of hearing basically nothing from boy for a few days or seeing him, for no apparent reason, started me questioning everything. I was thinking...is he talking to another girl again? Is he really busy? Did I say/do something wrong? Why isn't he helping or supporting me during this emotional rollercoaster instead of bashing me and giving me tough love? That frustration continued to be bottled up. The drama at work only magnified. This girl was about to reach the breaking point. Then after talking to him for about 3 minutes last Wednesday and him basically telling me to grow up I hit that point. The one person I was relying on the most for support and understanding was him. So I cried and cried and cried. Then I decided at 830 at night after crying for an hour or so straight that driving would be a cure. It helped a little. I cried again Thursday at random intervals. I just wasn't happy. I had every right not to be happy. Thursday was a long day working from 6am-730pm. My other job had a Thanksgiving feast we all had to help and serve at. After we went out for a few drinks. I felt like this would help me, but it really didn't. On Friday, I was just so frustrated with the children that I needed to step away a few times just to catch my cool. I've decided my brain and my body are telling me its really time. Its time for a change in my aspects of my life. But I'm not going to get crazy and change everything at once. This will all take time. That night we had a surprise party for our A.D. whose official last day is this Tuesday. Lets just say even though I had no intentions of staying past 9 and getting drunk...both of those things happened. I unfortunately had to call boy to have him come pick me up and since we weren't really on our normal good speaking terms, things felt a little awkward. Yesterday was recovery day...still did some crying unfortunately. (Lets hope that I have nothing left to cry out.) I was anticipating at least seeing boy for a couple of hours last night since he worked all day, and he said he was too tired to. That's when I addressed the issues stated above...did I do something? Is there another girl? Etc. I don't know how well he assured me that everything was fine other than to call me crazy. Which at this point, I actually just might be. I didn't get to see boy again today. Although, his mom is having a dinner tonight, which he invited me to, but he is currently still working, so I'm guessing I won't be getting to see him tonight. I understand that he is busy and works, but if I am a priority like he says I am, he should be able to make time for me. I miss him deeply and I fear I miss him far worse than he misses me. I know as the holidays draw closer I will see him less and less no thanks to his stupid part time job in retail. I'm hoping this week will be less emotional than last...but I have a feeling I'm in for another long, crazy week. If I could just get one thing right now it would be a long and tight hug from boy just to remind me things will be just fine.


Peace&Love
~L

Life Quotes

Wow you all should be so lucky I've posted twice this week. I giving myself a pat on the back and a few small claps.

Today has been a day of reflection. Weird shit happened at work today, pointless drama. Drama that I dabbled in when I was 12. You know the 'how come I wasn't invited to your party? That is not fair' kind of drama. Won't go into much depth here...its a pointless topic. I avoid drama. Period. But it got me thinking, this place of work has been nothing but drama and walking on eggshells. Whatever you say can come back to bite you in the butt in a heartbeat or someone takes offense to how you said something that was never meant to be taken that way. People get rather egotistical and selfish when they are given more responsibility than someone else and the rest get jealous. (Needless to say I sometimes fall into that latter category.) I do feel I work my butt off and get little to no recognition or praise. Not that I'm necessarily seeking it, but when others get praise it needs to be evenly distributed amongst the coworkers. Generally speaking, I get along with most people, once I've gotten to know them. In all of my years of working, I have never had the drama and issues that I have had here. Which brings me to this point: if it no longer makes you happy or serves a greater purpose, and it is only stressing you out and making your life miserable, it is time to move on.

I know I have been down this road before...I've mentioned the job searching, but a person can only take so many rejections and no interviews before they give up and tough it out. But right now, this bullshit drama and the constant stress is finally coming to a head and its the drive to get me out.

These 2 quotes couldn't be more true. Love what you do and what makes you happy. Period.


Peace&Love
~L

Court and Some Other Things

For starters, I'm sorry for not posting as often as I would like to. Life as always has gotten the best of me. I feel I barely share anything anymore and that is the complete opposite of the point of this blog and being real with you guys. I believe it is so hard for me to post, not only because I'm busy ALL day and the last thing I want to do at 8 at night is write a pointless post, but because everything has become complacent. I'm doing nothing new or exciting or out of the ordinary. It has become just the same cycle day in and day out. Nothing changes. I've come to that point again...many of you who move frequently or travel frequently know what I mean...the itch to explore and do something crazy and fun. Like pick up and move across country without any idea as to where or how you will make it, but somehow in the end it always works itself out. That's kind of where I'm at. There has been so much shit and drama at work and I believe that I work my ass off everyday and get nothing in return for it. I see others who don't work as hard as me get offers to do more things to add to their list of accomplishments. It makes no sense and its something I guess I can't seem to understand or fix. I understand not everyone is going to like everyone, but no one here seems to like me. But that my friends, is not something I want to waste my breath over. As much as it hurts me that I'm not invited to work functions, or asked to help out with different things around the center, sitting here complaining about it, doesn't help. It just means it is time for a change.

Now due to my lack of keeping you informed...I must tell you of my first ever court experience. I got pulled over about a month ago for speeding. I have been pulled over many times and not once have I gotten a ticket. I'm not sure how I managed to weasel my way out of them, but it happened. Then it finally happened. I was excessively speeding and to make a long story short, the cop thought I had attitude and didn't believe the women on my license was me and for a few split seconds I thought I was going to jail and therefore he handed me a ticket. I had a $90 fine which in the grand scheme of things wasn't bad, but I had 4 points go on my license. I went to court yesterday to try and reduce my points and after standing in line for about 30 minutes it all happened in a blink of an eye...nothing changed. Judge found me guilty told me I had to pay the fine in full in 60 days and my points would remain. Seriously? I didn't even get to state my case. I guess I'm a criminal now. Haha. No it just means I really need to watch my speeds because I only need to get to 12 before my license is suspended.

Here's to slowing down a bit both in my car and life.

Peace&Love
~L