I have contemplated this for months. Since the last time I saw you. The last time we had a real conversation. I've replayed it all in my head, still trying to understand what I did wrong. Every time I put pen to paper, I break down emotionally. People say time heals all wounds, but I don't agree. I think time just makes it more manageable. It allows every hurt you feel to dig deeper into your soul and you truly are never the same again.
What feels like ages ago, I met you. You were the best thing to come into my life. You were this breath of fresh air. This person that lit a fire within me. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You made me someone else. But I fell for you and I fell hard. You had this way about you that I will never be able to describe. You made me feel safe and comfortable. You were my best friend. I trusted you.
Then things began to change and every question I had and every doubt I had about us was correct. My life changed in an instant. In one simple night we were not the same. I fought for you. I forgave you. But yet it wasn't enough. I respected you and the time you needed. But months later, you walked back into my life like a roaring fire. It seemed as if we never skipped a beat. But there it was months later, something was off. You took on another job and I began to see you less and less. I thought I was the crazy one, telling you not to do it. Demanding to see you. To spend time with you. Begging you to stick around. We were 2 people on 2 different paths. Seeing this thing in 2 completely different ways. I thought things were beginning to turn around and we were beginning to work on us. You didn't. Eventually, the inevitable came again. But yet you kept coming back. You kept me hoping. You kept me clinging on to some ridiculous idea that we would ever get back together. You toyed with my emotions. Over and over again we were in each others lives and just as quickly out of them. It was the endless carousel ride. I wish you could see and understand what you put me through last year. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. I kept hoping you would stop by and say hello, or that I'd run into you at the store. That maybe we could figure it all out. But maybe I was just being naive waiting for something that wasn't ever going to happen. There were times I felt that glimmer of hope only to be snuffed out. What was it going to take? What did I need to do?
You moved in. Everything changed. Nothing was easy. Everything was confusing. I was scared. Confused. Upset. Surprised. Happy. Every emotion you could think of. It was everything that I had wanted for the past 2.5 years, but it wasn't the way I had envisioned it to happen. I wanted it to be when we were at a good place in our relationship, not because you were just exiting one with someone else. I told you that I wanted to be with you countless times over. I told you I love you. I meant it with all that I had. But everything was off. I was just beginning to understand myself again. I was beginning to live life without you. I was sure 'us' was never going to happen again. I needed to start moving on as you would like to say. I was peeling away all my layers. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. Misguided. You were this drug to me. I wanted you more than anything else. Maybe that was wrong. I gave up so much of myself and lost myself in you. Whenever you weren't there I drowned my sorrows in my own self pity and that is no way to live. Whenever you came around, I didn't want you to leave, fearing that you would just never show up again. It was selfish of me to think that way. You clearly wanted to live your life. I should have let you. I don't regret fighting for you or trying to make things work. I would do it all over again a thousand times if I had to.
When we lived together for the first 5 months of this year, I felt a lot of things. I know you did too. I know you wanted me to tell you I love you. I couldn't. I hope you understand why. I was afraid that if I did, and we started to get close again, that you would leave me all over again. And honestly, I don't think I would have been able to handle that again. Yes, I admit, I pushed you away. In some way I wanted you to feel what I felt and the hurt you put me through. I'm not a malicious person and I hope you know that about me. I was afraid that you would start tearing down those walls I started to build and you would find a way to hurt me again. But I keep looking back to those months together in that tiny apartment. I feel like we fought more than we should have, but we stuck through it. We found ways to get over the shit. I don't think either of us were in a good place to forgive each other for EVERYTHING! I believe we were both going through transitions in our lives and looking for answers to it all. I honestly needed time to think. I needed time to be single and alone. You were always the one saying I needed to find someone else or move on or get over us. That was one thing I never could do. A part of me is and will always be yours. You are still in my mind and heart. Pieces of you are left all around.
Then one day you just stopped talking to me. I'm still not sure what I did. How I hurt you or offended you. I may not even be entitled to those answers. Do you know how people say there is that one thing you have done that forever changes the outcome of your life? Or if you would have done one thing differently how drastically different your life would be? Sometimes I wish I could have that with you. Just to go back to the beginning of it all and change it just a bit, so we wouldn't end up here. You and I will always be unfinished business. You know I don't blame you for anything that has happened and I never have. I know at times you think I should and maybe you are right. But it takes two people to make it work. Yeah, I felt like I was fighting harder than you and loved you more at times, but that wasn't always the case. We are both at fault for everything. I never meant to push you away or make you feel that I didn't care or love you. We both changed and we both needed to grow. We were right for each other and wrong for each other. I have always known you were meant for me. I don't know where this life will lead either of us, but I believe our paths will cross again someday. I hope that I find you happy in whatever you are doing. I hope you are living your life to the fullest. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I'm sorry for whatever it is that made you stop talking to me. I'm sorry that I needed some space and time to grow and understand myself as a person. And maybe someday soon we will both be in better places in our lives and much gentler creatures. For what it is worth, you have and always will be my person.
Always and Forever,
L
