Opinions about my body and How I feel about it

As of late I can't say I've been to happy with my body. I haven't really worked out everyday or almost everyday like I used to and that was probably in October. I'd periodically walk or run outside, do some workout videos or the like, but nothing routine. With the holidays having come and gone you'd think I would have gained a lot of weight, but I really didn't. My weight has fluctuated quite a bit in the past few months, but nothing too drastic. While most people tend to gain weight after a break-up, because they gorge themselves on bad food and alcohol, I actually lost weight because I couldn't eat for nearly a week. Slowly I got my appetite back and soon I felt like I was eating everything all the time. But being a female I know why I felt that way. (Figure that one out boys.) But this week I've started doing insanity again and have been looking around for a new workout program to do. Once the weather starts getting nicer I hope to get out running again on a regular basis. And I've started a health challenge with myself. It's helped me get back on track. I remember what I should be eating and how much. And of course getting so far 3 days in a row of exercise has helped. Typically I'm very confident in my own skin, but I have my bad days for sure.

Peace&Love
~L

5 Guys Whom I Find Attractive

Ha well this was realtively easy. I've had a list of guys I find attractive. All of them happen to be celebrities, actors no less. That might tell me something about myself, but thats something for another time. Here are my 5 in no particular order.

1. Channing Tatum: Is there any explanation needed really? I mean come on he is gorgeous. If I could have that perfect looking guy he would be it. It really is hard to know someone's genuine personality when you have never met them, so I'm not going to say he seems nice or would make a good father, because I simply don't know. For me its all about eye candy.

 

 

2. Jeremy Renner: He might be a little too old for me, but that won't stop me from staring. I love him for his acting, and there hasn't been a movie that I haven't liked him in. And when you don't take shit from anybody well that is a huge turn on.

 

 

 

 

 

3. Joseph Gordon Levitt: If you know me, I'm not typically attracted to the nice guys, or those who give off that vibe. JGL seems like a really great guy. I just think he is good to look at it, and has blown me away with more recent acting choices. He's around to stay and I'm down with that.

 

 

4. Johnny Depp: Again another man too old for me, but there has always been something about Johnny. I love how great of an actor he is. He can do an genre of movies. I do not find him attractive as Edward Scissorhands or Willie Wonka or the like, but as Jack Sparrow among others...oh yes. I love how out of the public eye he is. I love how mysterious he is. He does have a little bad boy in him. He is smart and intelligent and says some pretty wise stuff.

 

 

5. Tom Hardy: As I see more and more of his films I like him more and more. I can't remember what movie I first saw him in, but have loved him ever since. And then he played Bane in The Dark Knight and he has forever been in my top 5 list. It doesn't hurt that he has a nice British accent to go along with his charming looks and bad boy-esqueness.

 

 

I hope all of you enjoyed looking at my top 5. What does your list look like?

 

Peace&Love

~l

Family

I know I have posted about my family numerous times before. I'm not sure what to put here. I believe that family is important and whether its blood family or friends you meet we are all bound together. I'm blessed to have a handful of friends who love and care for me just as much as I care for them. I've got a decent family that I miss dearly, but also am glad I do live thousands of miles from. It makes seeing them that much more special. I know that if I lived close to them I wouldn't see them much anyways so it wouldn't make much of a difference. I'm fortunate that I'm close with my siblings and that my parents raised us to be good citizens. And although my parents are divorced I still believe they remain close with each other. But then again my father has this crazy amount of kindness and humility that he would never do anything to bash my mother. I could sit here and describe my relationships with each of them, what they do, their personalities, etc. But perhaps another time another place.

 

 

 

Peace&Love

~l

How Important Education Is

You don't have to get me started on how important I think education is. I initially went to school to study education. I wanted to be a teacher and teach the youngin's. But I didn't actually get that degree although I am still teaching youngin's. I think school is vital and important to sustain a career and life. Nowadays you can't really get a good paying job without some sort of degree. Its not like it was 20 years ago. I believe everyone is capable of learning and getting an education. Don't get me wrong I find some school a complete waste of time, especially if you will never end up using it. And kids, don't believe it when a teacher tells you that you will, you won't. I believe the better educated you are the further you will advance in your career. People won't look down on you because you are stupid. You are fully capable of making your own decisions about learning and education, but don't blame society when you can't get a good job or your life sucks. You had a chance and matter of fact still do have a chance to better yourself. Stay in school. Be smart. Go further.

Peace&Love
~L

5 Pet Peeves

I think pet peeves tell us a lot about a person. Basically gives you a little taste of their personality. So here are my 5 pet peeves

1. If any of you know me, I get really bad road rage and its because people are really slow and don't obey the rules of the road. Above all else the thing that irritates me the most is people who don't turn on their blinkers. You know it would save all of us lots of trouble if you turned it on before you actually turned.

2. The fact I have to pay for the unemployed when they are fully capable of finding a job. Don't give me this disability crap that your eyes are crossed. Thats bull and we all know it.

3. People who blame others for their own mistakes and failures. Look here sweetie, we've all made mistakes, but if you can't own up to them, than you have other problems.

4. People who have no table manners. They invented napkins for a reason, and your momma taught you to chew with your mouth closed.

5. Reverting back to the road again, drivers who won't turn right on red when they can because there are no signs saying they can't.


What are your pet peeves?

Peace&Love
~L

Views on Mainstream Music

Here is what I feel about music: no matter what you are feeling, sad, hurt, happy, excited, lonely, depressed, confused, content, etc. music can lift you to a higher place. There is no better healer than music. There is no better way to get pumped up than to listen to music. I'm not opposed to music at all. Mainstream music is no different than any other music other than its more popular. I love music period. I've always loved it. My taste in music has changed drastically since my Britney Spears loving days. I'm more into indie music or acoustic sounds. But I love all genres from country to rap to pop to folk. The blessing of having a wide range of tastes and appreciation for all sorts of sounds, I can choose music based on how I'm feeling that day.

Peace&Love
~L

Bullet My Day

This is going to be rather dull and boring for all of you. As I sat here and thought about it, I realized who would want to live this life? So here it goes:

*Wake up at 630 and get ready for work
*Leave for work at 7
*Get to work at 730
*Spend the rest of the day until approx 430 with children, you know feeding them, changing their diapers, educating them, etc.
*Leave work at 430/445
*Get home around 5/530
*Workout for about 45-60 mins most days
*Eat dinner around 7
*Watch some pointless tv
*Possibly talk to Erin, my roomie
*Go to bed around 9/930
And repeat the day again. Yes I told you this was REALLY boring.

Happy Singles Awareness Day!!!

Peace&Love
~L

A Book You Love

hmmmm...I need to be real honest here, I don't read. I know its ashame. I used to a few summers ago read like it was going out of style. I read a new book nearly every other day, and then of course school resumed and I lost interest in reading for pleasure. I still haven't fully gotten back into loving to read. I do like some books but no book is on my mind right now as something I love. I did love To Kill a Mockingbird and The Great Gatsby, books I read in highschool, and believe they no longer count as books I should love, since they seem so juvenile. I'm currently trying to reread a book that I put down soon after I got it, which is Wanderlust. But one book that I fell in love with a few years ago, I hardly remember what it was about, other than a group of older female woman discussing issues with their relationships or their non existant ones, and answering life's ultimate question why are you still single? Its called How to Be Single by Liz Tuccillo. So if you are single and want to check out a very funny read and actually take time to think about why you are still single this is the book.

Peace&Love
~L

Something I Feel Strongly About

I feel strongly about a lot of things. But I'm not going to sit here and bore you with everything. What am I going to share with you is how I feel it is vital for people to learn about health and nutrition. Over the past few years I have gained an interest in the health field, specifically nutrition and exercise. As I have become more immersed in that area I have now wanted to go back to get my masters in that area or in public health. I've seen my fair share of documentaries and it disturbs me how much just our government keeps from us on what they do to our foods. And this is in turn is killing people. Which in turn is making a huge need for health care, but there lies the problem poor health insurance or people can't afford it. Wouldn't it just be easier if our foods were not tampered with and we ate how they did thousands of years ago, straight from the land? There is no need to genetically modify anything. I also want to be able to help people who may not understand this and be able to teach them the importance of spending a few extra dollars to buy decent food. They don't have to spend money on crap. Everyone can eat healthy and don't say well my paycheck can't afford me to eat produce, well it can. If we all started to change our eating habits just a little bit, it changes our entire bodies, our lives, and even healthcare. I could go on and on about this and what I feel, but I think I've bored you enough.


Peace&Love
~L

5 Things to Win My Heart

You want to know how to win my heart here are a five things:

1. Sense of humor- I love to laugh. Period. If you can't make me laugh you have zero chance with me. I'm also very sarcastic in my humor and you would have to be able handle that and return a few jabs.

2. Surprises/romance- I love surprises and it doesn't have to be anything big or fancy or even something materialistic, I actually prefer it not to be. If you show up on my doorstep and just say you came because you just wanted to see me that would make me really happy.

3. Adventurous- I like to be a little daredevil. I like do things a little edgier. I take risks. I have a rebel in me. I like spontaneity. I like to do things outdoors. I seek adventure so I can tell stories. I want to live a life.

4. Treat me as a lady- duh! This is obvious! I still believe in chivalry. I still want guys to open doors for me and be the head of the household. I want to be told I'm beautiful.

5. Share my values- I don't ask you to have the same faith or beliefs as me, but I want you to agree on how we raise our kids, I want the same general political views, I want you to understand the importance of family, etc.

Now you know. :)

Peace&Love
~l

A New Direction

So I have done a few things like this before. Having certain topics to write about. I'm going to do that again. Over the next month or so (depending if I write everyday, that is the intent though), I will be writing about 30 different things. I found this list on pinterest about journaling. I figured it would be a good way to get me thinking of myself again. I realized that this break up can either permanently destroy me, as currently I'm letting it do, or I take it as a chance to learn from it and start mending my broken heart and move on. So all of this hurt has been taking away from my happiness and all this time I can't get back. I've realized that I feel stuck in this sick cycle of work and being sad there and being sad at home and nothing seems to be going right and I just want to live alone without roommates, but financially thats not possible. I realize there is still so much I want to do an accomplish with my life, that now as single person, I could seriously do. Anyways, this list for me, will help me dig into my own life and remember who I am as a person. I hope that it helps me to move on and rediscover the things I'm passionate about. Here's the list:

1. 5 ways to win your heart
2. Something you feel strongly about
3. A Book you love
4. Bullet your whole day
5. Things you want to say to an ex
6. Your views on mainstream music
7. 5 Pet peeves
8. What you ate today
9. How important you think education is
10. Put your music player on shuffle and write the first 10 songs that play
11. Your family
12. 5 guys whom you find attractive
13. Your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it
14. What you wore today
15. Your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality
16. Something you always think 'what if' about
17. Something you're proud of
18. A problem that you have had
19. 5 items you lust after
20. Your fears
21. How you hope your future will be like
22. Your academics
23. Something that you miss
24. 5 words/phrases that make you laugh
25. Something you're currently worried about
26. Things you like and dislike about yourself
27. A quote you try to live by
28. Somewhere you'd like to move to or visit
29. 5 weird things that you like
30. One thing you're excited for

I will begin this journey most likely tomorrow. And I can't wait to share more personal things with you. As promised this is a place for me to be as open and as raw with you all.

Peace&Love
~L

Emotional Wreck

Why? Why is this so hard? Is it because I loved him so incredibly much and all I got in return was basically a slap in the face? And whenever I see his twitter, its clear that he has no pain or remorse and looks to have moved on. Almost 2 weeks have passed and nothing seems to be getting better. This week I made it through without crying or really thinking about it, but for some reason today I can't stop thinking about him. I keep crying and this isn't fair. I feel like I'm never going to be able to move on. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I feel like I was the one who fucked it all up. I shouldn't feel this way.

I should be happier than I am. I went out with some old coworkers and loved seeing everyone, but in the back of my mind all I could see and want was him. Everyone knows about us. I see two of my friends that are so happy with their guys and they are buying houses with each other and they haven't even been dating their guys for a year! One of them is even talking about marriage and having kids. I don't know if that triggered all of this emotional crap for me. I can't do it anymore. I want more than ever to tell him how much he has screwed me up. Is this what he wanted? Tonight I'm supposed to be going out again with my roommate and a few of our friends. We are getting all fancy dressed up and going to a whiskey bar. I should be excited for it. I should be ready for a crazy night. But I'm not. I haven't moved on from the boy and I'm not ready to start looking for another guy. I don't even like to think of myself as single, but I know boy clearly does not want me anymore, so I need to learn to get over it. And maybe, just maybe, there will be a much better guy out there who will help me forget all about boy.

Things I need to remember: time won't heal the wound, this I know from being hurt previously. You still think about whatever it was that caused you grief, but as time goes on it doesn't hurt as bad to protect you from going crazy. (Although I think I'm at that point already.) And Drake he is a god for me. I always stumble across his quotes and lyrics to songs and think this guy knows what he is talking about. I hope one day, I can get past the pain and remember what made boy like me so much, and show that off to someone else but even better than I was then. I don't like revenge or to make people feel horrible, but right now nothing would make me happier than to have boy realize what a good thing he threw away so easily.

Peace&Love
~L

Moving On

Why is it so hard to move on? Is it because I spent a year with him and truly loved him? Everywhere I drive or go I'm afraid I might run into him, not that that would be necessarily bad, but what would I even say or do? Would I ignore him? Would I say hi and ask how he's doing? It's been a week and a half since we broke up, its gotten easier, less crying, less drinking, you know. But I still won't turn on the radio, won't go to any store or the mall when I know he could be there. I try to get out of Waukesha in a hurry after work in fear that our cars cross paths. The only real thing still keeping me tethered to him is twitter. I usually check everyday to see what he's been up to. Mainly I'm generally confused about his tweets, always have been, so its nothing new. But anytime I look at it, I just want to rip my insides out and scream because of how much he has hurt me. Maybe the only way to move on his delete him as a friend, but I'm just not ready. I don't want him to get the wrong idea either.

I've replayed this in my head a thousand times. Everything that has happened. If we meet sometime in the not to distant future I'd tell him how I've missed him and I love him still, but tell him he hurt me worse by dumping me, without giving us a try. I'm a different messed up person than I was before. More angry, but still easy to forgive. Have a higher, thicker wall built up around me. No longer trust easily. Let him know that if we were to try this again no longer can you run away when things get tough. But maybe he is too far damaged by everything that has happened, and so am I that friendship is all we have left.

Let me tell you, this moving on thing, is no easy task. And I feel like everyday that passes, the moving on gets worse. It makes me feel more anger well up inside me. I gave him everything and he f'd it all up. I shouldn't feel this way.

Peace&Love
~L

Favoritism

If I had to choose one thing I absolutely despise is favoritism. And I'm not claiming myself to have never shown it before, I have my favorite friends, my favorite students, etc. However, I know how to distinguish my personal from my work life. Some people at work clearly can't. And when everyone is talking about it and saying, "hey Ashley gets to just wander around or sit in the office for 8 hours a day, but yet complains about not getting any time to do anything." Well here sweetie, let me help you out, instead of sitting in the office why don't you get something productive done? There is a lot more where that came from. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of my bosses treating her like a princess and letting her get a way with whatever. I know if anyone else tried to pull that shit we would be reemed out. Today I was told to take my lunch break at 1015. Mind you I had only been at work for just over 2 hours. So basically after my break I still had more than half the day to go, which made for an extremely long work day. I wanted to talk to them about why, but they would tell me the same thing I always hear, sorry it is just how it worked out today. Really? I don't see why I can't just take my break like I have every other day. And I know if I talked to either of them I would have started saying other stuff that I probably shouldn't bring up. I think the whole place is ridiculous. They are making the staff do more and more crap without us being paid for it. I'm sorry. I'm not doing it on my own free time. And no, I'm not going to sit here and try to save your ass for the district manager. I'm not putting on a facade. If you don't like that or have a problem with my attitude than fire my ass. I've had it up to here with this bullshit. I keep applying for more jobs, and have yet to hear back from anybody, which really sucks. You'd think out of all the places I've applied for at least one of them would have managed to get in contact with me. Seriously, don't know how much more of this daycare crap I can handle.


Peace&Love
~L

What Today Means

No this is not about how we have finally reached the end of another sad football season, unless of course you are a 49ers or Ravens fan, of which I am neither. Today would have been the boy's and my 1 year anniversary. Obviously the whole break up in and of itself were extremely hard, but then add less than a week later we would have been together for a year, really made it worse. Although, I think I have gotten a little better as far as getting through this, I still can't bear to take down pictures and other memorablia from the past year. Sometimes I feel like we are on a long hiatus from each other, even though I know thats not what this is. I can't help but think of all the things we've done together. Periodically, I will stumble upon something and think about how I forgot we did whatever it was. All the things we've ever done make me smile, but also hurt because its over and we won't be doing that again soon, possibly ever. As I sit here and think back on the past year between us, I think, I never imagined I would be sitting here, writing about how I'm not with him anymore. I think about how most of my memories with him have only ever been good and fun, romantic and silly, no judgments, no cares, pure and simply and uniquely us. And while what happened between us wasn't ideal, nor fun, I know the past year of my life with him has been by far the best year. I looked forward to another year of that same thing, possibly even better than the last, but that is now a thing of the past. Right now I just wish I knew how he was doing. What is going on in his life. I know that is no longer my privilege to know, but even though he was my boyfriend, he was my best friend above all else, and I just wish I could be there for him as a friend. I just hope he keeps his promise of getting back in contact with me. Because even if things don't work out in the relationship sense, I hope we can always be friends. My biggest fear is that he will just forget about me and us and what we had and move on. But, alas, that is not my concern. Nor should I let it bother me. I should support and be happy for him, if thats what he chooses to do.

Wherever you are out there in this town/city/state/world, I hope this finds you well. I miss you every single day and although its still not easy, I'm getting there. I only think happy thoughts of you. I smile about the time we were able to share with each other. I think we learned a lot from each other. And regardless of how it ended, you changed my life for the better.

Peace&Love
~L

Jump That Battery

I totally forgot to fill you in on all the happenings that was yesterday. Let me just remind you that here in the great state of WI it was no more than 2 degrees out yesterday. So it was bitterly cold. Trying to stand outside to jump my car was a feat of epic proportions. At first my roommate and I had to get jumper cables so she took me to wal-mart to get some. We headed back home and hooked everything up, nothing was working. Kept turning that key and no turnover. Somehow my key broke. Possibly with the mounting frustration. So they stalled everything. I found my spare key and we tried it again. Nothing. Then came the daunting idea that there could be something worse than just my battery. The thoughts of tow truck bills and long waits were beginning to scare me. But with a little more hope that precious car of mine finally turned. Without hesitation we were off to get a new battery. Long story short, my car is saved, well at least for now. I've got to get new wiper blades, fix the radio, and check the belt and alternator. But all in all, I'd say we are fine for now.


Peace&Love
~L

Perfect Ending to a Perfect Week

Not even close. This week sucked more than any other. Whenever things got bad I turned to the boy. Life rarely seemed horrible when I was with him. Everything seemed doable. Life was easier. Life was better. I was happier. This year in general has not been anything of what I expected. Here I am starting a whole new month and its still not getting better. My car did not start this morning. Possibly my fault, I didn't have much gas in it, which means whatever was in it, is frozen. My battery hasn't been checked in awhile, so who really knows with that. But since my car didn't start, I couldn't go to work today. As if I really needed that to happen. Someday I will laugh at this stupid moment. It sucks that on Sunday would have been our 1 year and I can't seem to get past that. There are days I want to just text him some random thing, but I can't because he doesn't want that. I just want him as my friend more than anything else. Why do I feel like I'm the only hurt in this? Why do I feel like I've put more effort into fighting for what we have and he just feels happier with walking away from it? I just want to know what he feels right now. I feel like he has moved on already, even though I know that is not true. This having a day off thing, will make me start thinking too much.


Peace&Love
~L