Everytime I've brought up this page to inform all of you whats been happening currently in my life, I start crying and close out of the page. Today I'm doing my best to fight back the water welling in my eyes. I'm stronger than I was yesterday, but the pain is still very much here. As you know boy and I had some issues, I met with him last week to give him another chance. Take things slow. Baby steps as it were. I texted him all weekend like nothing was different between us. He invited me over to his place for dinner this past Monday night. When I arrived he was very quiet and couldn't look at me. I asked him what was wrong. He responded with nothing. I said see this is what got us in problems before. He took a collective sigh and let it all out. I've never seen him cry so much and honestly hurt so much. He told me he can't look at me without being reminded of the pain he caused me. He can't eat nor sleep. He works longer hours and stays at the gym as long as he can to avoid any down time so he doesn't have to think about what happened. He said he thought he could take baby steps, but can't because I deserve someone better and he's not the person I fell in love with. But I kept telling him, how can you say these things when you are the only thing that makes me feel alive and happy? Do you not feel this towards me? He said you know I love you with everything I have thats why I need to do this. I need to let you go and try and be happy with someone who will treat you better than I ever could. You are my best friend. You knew me better than anyone else. I fucked up. None of this is easy. No break-up ever is. I don't even like to call it that, because I believe deep down inside, we will get past this and that our love is stronger than anything. I respect he needs to work on himself and forgive himself before he moves on. I'd rather give him that than try to force him to make things work, because than they won't. I told him to promise me one thing: that whenever he gets over this and forgives himself to call me so we can get together. He said he would. He told me to promise him: to be happy. I told him I would, but as stated above, I'm happy with him. How long this takes I'm not sure? I wish it would be over tomorrow, but I'm being realistic, it may take years. But he said we will see each other again, because he wants to still be friends at least. I would hate to only be friends because what we had was so special and so uniquely us, I don't think either of us would find that with anyone else.
Never has this been more truer. He cried for a long time he did. Never have I seen such pain and sorrow in anyone's eyes than his. I believe that I saw that night that he has never loved someone so much as me ever and he managed to screw it up and realized that he had to do what was best. It sucks.
Peace&Love
~L
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