Post Talk

Well I got a lot of things answered today, but I'm still nowhere near making a decision on this. He admitted to having doubts and asked what he should do about it, and one buddy said start dating other girls behind my back. Genius, I know. So contrary to his beliefs and values he decided to try it. He's been talking with girls and met one of them. He apologized sincerely. I know he is hurting on the inside. He told me he meant everything he said about us and it was all real. He says I don't deserve him, I deserve more and better and he understands what he did was wrong and he understands if I never forgive me. Or trust him. He knows he gave up all of that. He wishes more than anything he could go back and not do any of it. I asked him what he wants, he says he just wants me to decide what I want. I asked him if he wants me in his life. He said I think you know that answer, when I'm with you I'm happy. But I'm the one who f'd up. You just need to think about all of this and don't make any decisions you might regret. I know this isn't easy. The trust is obviously gone and if I give him a second chance it would take a long time for me to trust him again. But I love him enough to give him that chance. It won't be easy. He is afraid I will always look at him as a cheater. I'm sure there will be times I question him, but I have too big of a heart and sometimes I forgive too easily. I guess it's a blessing and a curse. Either way I look at it, I have to make a choice that could potentially hurt me. I'm not ready to give up on him. He thinks that I will regret getting back together and that we may never be who we were before. I see it as this either I don't take him back and always wonder what would have happened if I gave him a try or I get back together with him and somewhere down the road it doesn't work out. But how will I ever know if I don't take that chance? I know he cares about me and just wants me to be happy. But with him I am happy. I know theres a lot of emotions going on in my head right now and I shouldn't just jump in to anything. I've been taking suggestions. Some say try it others say take a break and if you realize you both love and miss each other you are meant to be. I'm just not ready to give up that easy. I know its hard to go from talking to each other everyday and spending every weekend together to giving each other a little space. I don't know where we stand. I guess the cards are in my hands. I know what I want and how I feel. And I don't think anyone can change that. None the less as I ponder and mull over it, it still hurts.


Peace&Love
~l