This is How My Heartbreaks

I don't even know where to begin, and maybe I will regret writing this post in a week or a month from now. All I know is I've experienced heartache before, but nothing like this. As you might guess the boy and I are on the rocks, we haven't officially broken up yet, but I'm guessing after we meet in 40 minutes I will have an answer for you. We've had our moments no doubt. And with this new job of his, it's like he has been pushing me away. I brought it up and he yelled at me for even thinking like that. How could I question his commitment to me. Well when over the past month we have maybe seen each other 4 days when normally we see each other more than that. So naturally I start questioning things. Yesterday I hung out with him and everything seemed fine. Although I noticed he was less touchy feely with me. He's been like that before so I didn't pay much attention to it. Well last night we were watching Looper and I fell asleep half way through. I woke up again around 11 to some weird noise coming from his side of the bed, pretty sure he was well you know jacking off. He was also looking at his phone. I decided to get up and go potty. I came back and he looked panicky. He was like what are you doing awake? Go back to sleep. Well hun, I can ask you the same question. He passed out within minutes so my curiousity got the best of me. I know I shouldn't have, but I snooped through his phone. Honestly, I thought he was looking at porn, which  I wouldn't have been super happy about, but forgivable. No what I found instead was texts from about 7 girls and then noticed he was back on a dating site and talking to about 10-15 more females on there. He even met with one of them this past Thursday and told me he was meeting a friend from highschool. When in fact he was meeting this girl. He took her to our place. Just jab that one in a little bit further. Make me feel that much better. And then he came over after his dinner with her and yelled at me for not trusting him and told me he loves me and wants to be with me and everything will be fine. Are you kidding me? I feel like such an idiot. How did I not see this? So I was lied to for god knows how long, he emotionally wrecked me, and worse made me feel that there is something wrong with me that he has to secretly meet and talk with other women. The worst part was I honestly loved him with all I had and this is all I get in return. I will update you after the talk we are having here shortly. I'm sure he will spin it to make it my fault.


Peace&Love
~l