What Has Happened

Everytime I've brought up this page to inform all of you whats been happening currently in my life, I start crying and close out of the page. Today I'm doing my best to fight back the water welling in my eyes. I'm stronger than I was yesterday, but the pain is still very much here. As you know boy and I had some issues, I met with him last week to give him another chance. Take things slow. Baby steps as it were. I texted him all weekend like nothing was different between us. He invited me over to his place for dinner this past Monday night. When I arrived he was very quiet and couldn't look at me. I asked him what was wrong. He responded with nothing. I said see this is what got us in problems before. He took a collective sigh and let it all out. I've never seen him cry so much and honestly hurt so much. He told me he can't look at me without being reminded of the pain he caused me. He can't eat nor sleep. He works longer hours and stays at the gym as long as he can to avoid any down time so he doesn't have to think about what happened. He said he thought he could take baby steps, but can't because I deserve someone better and he's not the person I fell in love with. But I kept telling him, how can you say these things when you are the only thing that makes me feel alive and happy? Do you not feel this towards me? He said you know I love you with everything I have thats why I need to do this. I need to let you go and try and be happy with someone who will treat you better than I ever could. You are my best friend. You knew me better than anyone else. I fucked up. None of this is easy. No break-up ever is. I don't even like to call it that, because I believe deep down inside, we will get past this and that our love is stronger than anything. I respect he needs to work on himself and forgive himself before he moves on. I'd rather give him that than try to force him to make things work, because than they won't. I told him to promise me one thing: that whenever he gets over this and forgives himself to call me so we can get together. He said he would. He told me to promise him: to be happy. I told him I would, but as stated above, I'm happy with him. How long this takes I'm not sure? I wish it would be over tomorrow, but I'm being realistic, it may take years. But he said we will see each other again, because he wants to still be friends at least. I would hate to only be friends because what we had was so special and so uniquely us, I don't think either of us would find that with anyone else.

Never has this been more truer. He cried for a long time he did. Never have I seen such pain and sorrow in anyone's eyes than his. I believe that I saw that night that he has never loved someone so much as me ever and he managed to screw it up and realized that he had to do what was best. It sucks.


Peace&Love
~L

A Walk Through the Woods

I feel like I've been cooped up inside for days on end. I suppose thats partially true. It sucks when boy and I can't get together to do stuff, he's been doing his bathfitters stuff this weekend. I know he's not having much fun doing that either. Not that that makes me feel much better. Yesterday I was up at the butt crack of dawn so I was trying to find things to do. I went to Barnes and Noble and killed about an hour of time there, I went to Starbucks and got my fix, went to Kohl's and then T.J. Maxx looking for that perfect purse and have yet to find it. Maybe it's because I found a few online that are only a couple of hundred dollars a piece. Yeah and then there is that one perfect purse that has it all: the color, the style, everything and I just can't afford it. It's hard to shake that from my mind. Anyways, yesterday was a long day, but I don't feel like I did anything. Today I was up at 7 a far cry from yesterday. I decided to drive down to Warnimont Park along the lake and take a hike and take pictures. It was not too bad weather wise. But I only killed about 2 hours of time. I've been watching some more Resuce Me and start season 4 next. I just feel so bored, but have nothing really to do. So here are some pics from earlier today.

The winter and snow will be gone soon. And by that I mean tomorrow when it will be near 50 and Tuesday when it will be near 60.

Peace&Love
~L

Dr. Seuss

I never thought I would say this, but I love the man. I never used to like his books as a kid, but have grown to love them now as an adult. I don't know if they just have a deeper meaning to me now, but whatever it is, I love him. I love reading the books and the crazy words he uses and the illustrations are quite out of this world. I went to Barnes and Nobles today and walked to the children's section proudly and in search of Dr. Seuss. I spotted a few of my favorites and cracked them open. Here are a few of my favorite Seuss quotes:

Peace&Love
~l

Attack of the Zombies

No really...I know believe they exist. My toddlers at daycare have seriously run-a-muck the past 2 days. They have all been acting ridiculous, crying and screaming, demanding to be held or they are destroying the room and laughing about their naughty behavior. All the while, spiking 103 plus degree fevers that were sudden onsets. Their noses are nasty and running. Their coughs sound like they've been smoking for decades. Then they think its necessary to come rub their little noses all over you. If I only watched Walking Dead I would know how to get rid of these little buggers, before they pass their insanity on to me. As long as they don't bite me, I'll be fine right? WRONG!!! I too have been struck with whatever they are experiencing. Not quite to their level, yet. But the runny nose and cough has struck me now. It seems as though I've been sick this entire month and I'm so ready to not be sick. And although I'd like to blame the little zombies for it all, I also blame the fact my house never has heat at night, it just likes to heat us during the day. So when the temps are below zero our house gets down to near 50, and I'm sorry folks, but that is too cold and not very safe. I think my fingers are getting frostbite, so for now I close this post, before they fall off.


Peace&Love
~L

Where Do We Go From Here?

I know this is only coming a day after a horrible thing happened. But I did sit and think about it all day yesterday and from time to time today. I wrote the boy a note last night in great detail about how I feel and what I think. I'm going to meet up with him on Thursday to talk and let him read it. I know it is not going to be easy to work on this relationship since the trust is MIA. But from this moment forward I just want to look past it and give him another chance. Thats how much I love him and care for him. I looked back on our time together especially recently and realized there were a lot of factors going on and I can't entirely blame him for what he did. Is what he did right? Absolutely not. But I'm also giving him the benefit of the doubt. He made a mistake, a bad choice, stemming from years of bad relationships and his parents divorce. He knows he always looks back on those relationships and sees how they didnt turn out so he finds ways to make ours fail too. Because he doesn't know what a good relationship is. All I want is to try this again and go back to us. End of story.


Peace&Love
~l

Post Talk

Well I got a lot of things answered today, but I'm still nowhere near making a decision on this. He admitted to having doubts and asked what he should do about it, and one buddy said start dating other girls behind my back. Genius, I know. So contrary to his beliefs and values he decided to try it. He's been talking with girls and met one of them. He apologized sincerely. I know he is hurting on the inside. He told me he meant everything he said about us and it was all real. He says I don't deserve him, I deserve more and better and he understands what he did was wrong and he understands if I never forgive me. Or trust him. He knows he gave up all of that. He wishes more than anything he could go back and not do any of it. I asked him what he wants, he says he just wants me to decide what I want. I asked him if he wants me in his life. He said I think you know that answer, when I'm with you I'm happy. But I'm the one who f'd up. You just need to think about all of this and don't make any decisions you might regret. I know this isn't easy. The trust is obviously gone and if I give him a second chance it would take a long time for me to trust him again. But I love him enough to give him that chance. It won't be easy. He is afraid I will always look at him as a cheater. I'm sure there will be times I question him, but I have too big of a heart and sometimes I forgive too easily. I guess it's a blessing and a curse. Either way I look at it, I have to make a choice that could potentially hurt me. I'm not ready to give up on him. He thinks that I will regret getting back together and that we may never be who we were before. I see it as this either I don't take him back and always wonder what would have happened if I gave him a try or I get back together with him and somewhere down the road it doesn't work out. But how will I ever know if I don't take that chance? I know he cares about me and just wants me to be happy. But with him I am happy. I know theres a lot of emotions going on in my head right now and I shouldn't just jump in to anything. I've been taking suggestions. Some say try it others say take a break and if you realize you both love and miss each other you are meant to be. I'm just not ready to give up that easy. I know its hard to go from talking to each other everyday and spending every weekend together to giving each other a little space. I don't know where we stand. I guess the cards are in my hands. I know what I want and how I feel. And I don't think anyone can change that. None the less as I ponder and mull over it, it still hurts.


Peace&Love
~l

This is How My Heartbreaks

I don't even know where to begin, and maybe I will regret writing this post in a week or a month from now. All I know is I've experienced heartache before, but nothing like this. As you might guess the boy and I are on the rocks, we haven't officially broken up yet, but I'm guessing after we meet in 40 minutes I will have an answer for you. We've had our moments no doubt. And with this new job of his, it's like he has been pushing me away. I brought it up and he yelled at me for even thinking like that. How could I question his commitment to me. Well when over the past month we have maybe seen each other 4 days when normally we see each other more than that. So naturally I start questioning things. Yesterday I hung out with him and everything seemed fine. Although I noticed he was less touchy feely with me. He's been like that before so I didn't pay much attention to it. Well last night we were watching Looper and I fell asleep half way through. I woke up again around 11 to some weird noise coming from his side of the bed, pretty sure he was well you know jacking off. He was also looking at his phone. I decided to get up and go potty. I came back and he looked panicky. He was like what are you doing awake? Go back to sleep. Well hun, I can ask you the same question. He passed out within minutes so my curiousity got the best of me. I know I shouldn't have, but I snooped through his phone. Honestly, I thought he was looking at porn, which  I wouldn't have been super happy about, but forgivable. No what I found instead was texts from about 7 girls and then noticed he was back on a dating site and talking to about 10-15 more females on there. He even met with one of them this past Thursday and told me he was meeting a friend from highschool. When in fact he was meeting this girl. He took her to our place. Just jab that one in a little bit further. Make me feel that much better. And then he came over after his dinner with her and yelled at me for not trusting him and told me he loves me and wants to be with me and everything will be fine. Are you kidding me? I feel like such an idiot. How did I not see this? So I was lied to for god knows how long, he emotionally wrecked me, and worse made me feel that there is something wrong with me that he has to secretly meet and talk with other women. The worst part was I honestly loved him with all I had and this is all I get in return. I will update you after the talk we are having here shortly. I'm sure he will spin it to make it my fault.


Peace&Love
~l

It's Going to be a LONG Day

Needless to say for whatever reason I could not fall asleep last night. If you know me, I'm in bed at 9 and asleep shortly thereafter. Last night I was in bed at 930, couldnt fall asleep. Last time I checked my phone it was 1030. I woke up at 340 and couldn't fall back to sleep. So at around 6 I just decided to get up. No point in just laying there. But now I suffer the consequences for a bad night of sleep: a pounding headache and crabbiness. Can't wait for a long day of work ahead of me.


Peace&Love
~L

Who Turned Off the Heat?

If you know anything about the midwest during the wintertime you know it gets cold and sometimes very cold. You also forget sometimes how precious having heat is. Currently, I have none. The temperature indicates its only 55 and its holding steady for now. Recently, we've been having trouble with the heat where it will be on, but only be at 63 and won't get warmer than that. Usually we have it set at 68. However the past couple of days it won't work at all during the day and then magically during the night it turns itself back to normal. I think we have finally reached a point where its just simply done for. Let me tell you its really not all that fun to be in a freezing cold house. Taking a shower isn't very fun. Just sitting watching tv requires layers of clothes and blankets. And according to the forecast we are headed into a deep freeze. Looking at highs in the single digits during the day and highs in the negatives at night. Lets just say if this is not taken care of by the end of this week, next week is not going to be much fun. I might as well live on the street at that point. So I'm begging whoever turned the heat off to turn it back on. Greatly appreciated!


Peace&Love
~l

Disappointments

Disappointments. They are a part of life. We have our good days and our bad days. So far I've had 2 relatively bad days in a row and just when I think it can't get any worse it does. It's all just pitiful and ridiculous stuff that adds up to make me feel like I'm having a horrible day. I'm regretting making the decision to work at the daycare I work at. You have to take a leap to know if it will work out, you never know unless you try. I just feel like I'm getting the run around and I'm not getting anywhere. Time for a new job, pronto.

Update on the boy's job: he declined and is really upset about it. I want to know what made him decide so quickly and what made him so upset. He needs his space to think about it. I feel really bad for him. I want to be there for him. I hope this is something he won't regret everyday for years to come, if so, its just going to bring him down and change him. He made the choice on his own terms and honestly I thought he would take it. Something someone said to him made him suddenly make this choice and its going to bother him for a long time to come. Another disappointment.

And even though we both made choices that we thought would better us or did it because it would make someone else happy, there has got to be something better that comes out of each situation.


Peace&Love
~L

My Heart and My Mind

I read somewhere that you should never talk bad about your husband to anyone, for they will always look at him in the way you have described him, bad. Clearly, I'm not married, so this applies I suppose to my boy. I could never speak badly of him, since he hasn't done anything to deserve that. Sure we've had our arguments thats normal, but as of late I feel like he has been distancing himself from me. I know this isn't true. I know we've both been busy or sick and really haven't hung out, but not because we chose not to. This weekend I really only hung out with him yesterday, even though I was at his place on Saturday. He told me some news I wasn't quite ready to hear, but had to be told. It's nothing bad, so I don't want anyone to think like that. My heart says one thing and I believe following my heart over my head is the better choice in our situation. I know I should think with my head, but it is hard when my heart is 100% involved. And I feel that I'd rather take the risk and find out, than have used my brain to logically think through this and regret not doing it.

Sorry this has been all rather vague and unclear. I promised all of you that I'd be open and honest and raw about me and my life. I will keep you posted on all of this as it comes to light and choices and decisions are made. Until then, thanks for putting up with this rather lackluster post.


Peace&Love
~L

Inspiration or Lack Thereof

I really have nothing of importance or interest to share with you all. It's been a long, hard week back at work since the holidays and being sick. I have nothing to report to you. Typically on a Friday night after work I'd be with the boy, but he works early tomorrow morning and all day, so there wasn't much point in going to stay over at his place. Tonight it's just going to be me and a movie that I rented from Redbox. Perhaps a pint of custard from Kopps if I'm feeling daring enough. Who knows where this night will lead me! Let's not kid ourselves, I will be in bed before 10 as usual.

I hope to find inspiration or something of interest to share with you all soon. My life is rather boring at the moment, but I promised me in this blog. And sometimes, I'm rather boring and uninspired. I guess that means it is time to get out and be inspired by something!

Peace&Love
~L

Ice Ice Baby

I've had a lot on my mind recently. I've been doing lots of thinking and trying to sort it all out. I know I said I would share with you all my deepest darkest thoughts and secrets, but this life changing event is not something I'm quite ready to share until it actually happens. Basically the boy has a job offer on the table that would move him and potentially myself to another state, and one that I would not be really excited to live in. Being with him would be the best thing for me and I'd go no matter where he went. I don't want to go into too much detail, until the time approaches when he makes a decision. Unfortunately, he still has some interviews and has to fly out to the potential place to check it out, so none of this stuff will be settled until the end of the month. I've known about it since mid December and I've been able to tuck it away and not think about it, but as it gets closer and closer it becomes more real. He is obviously weighing his options and has a lot to think about. I support him no matter what he chooses. Anyways, with us not going to Chicago this past weekend, and his bathfitters gig starts up again at the end of the month and realizing our 1 year is the first weekend of February I'm just afraid I'm going to get lost in the shuffle of it all. I feel like I'm being put towards the back of his mind, instead of being included in anything. He has asked for my input, and I know he appreciates it and I know he is stressed out with everything, that I'm not exactly priority in his life at the moment. Long story short, I took a nice walk this morning to think about ALL of this and realized it was super icy. I slipped a few times, but luckily I've got quick reflexes and managed to stay upright the whole time. Still a little under the weather but I'm happy to at least get that walk in to help me clear my head a little.

Peace&Love
~l

The Shoes

I've been waiting for these shoes forever. I had a pair of converse last year that were from Target, but they were not the ones I had been looking for, so I settled for the cheap ones then. Finally, today, with Christmas money I bought them. I know I could have used that money for other things, but I rarely get to treat myself. So here they are my new, beautiful white Converse All-Stars pictures taken with my new easy to use camera:

Love my new kicks!

Peace&Love
~l

New Look

As you should be able to tell, I've completely updated the blog. I've spent the better part of this morning looking for a perfect background, something light and fresh. I still my fiddle around with some stuff, but this is the look for now. I've updated my profile and my tabs.

I also want to keep my blog as it was before, a place for me to share about my life and my secrets and my deep thoughts. I want to keep it real as I discover myself. I want to keep it about life.

I want to remember these quotes as I write my posts:

 "Life is hard, yet so very beautiful".

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours- it is an amazing journey- and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins." ~BM


Get ready for MY life, pure and real.

Peace&Love
~l

Being Sick Equals Ruined Weekend

After being out of commission for over 3 days I'm finally feeling a little bit better. I went to the doctor last night and they informed me that I had a sinus infection. Such a lovely little thing. They gave me a high dosage of antibiotics to knock it right out. Last night I woke up a few times in a pile of sweat, so I'm pretty sure I burned it out. In a way being sick was nice, I got to enjoy a few more days off of work, without pay, but I needed to rest and get better. However, being sick does not come without its vices. The boy and I had planned for about a month now to go to Chicago this weekend. We already had a hotel booked, a list of things we wanted to see and do and I was really excited to get out of dodge for a few days. The boy called the hotel yesterday to cancel, because I was still very sick. I asked him if he could look into next weekend and he said he did but there was nothing available. So according to him the next best time to go is a whole month from now. Or possibly longer. He's supposed to come over tonight so hopefully I can convince him to check out another hotel so we can still go in the next month. I'm really getting antsy to do something outside of the city of Milwaukee. (Not to mention I was really looking forward to using my new camera my sis and bro-in-law got me for Christmas.)



Peace&Love
~L

Plans for 2013

As promised here are things that I plan on doing for 2013. I'm ready for whatever this year brings, good and bad. Luckily, 2012 brought me more good things. So I could go for a repeat year with even more life changing experiences.

I've sort of forgotten about my bucket list so I want to revisit it and cross at least 5 things off that list this year. What those things are, are yet to be determined.

I want to do more blogging and have more people read my blog. I want to have at least 15 more followers by the end of the year.

I want to do more reading. For quite a while I had been reading anything. Recently, especially since I'm no longer in school I've neglected to pick up a book. I feel it is time to change that. My brain could use some more knowledge.

I want to run in at least 5 races this year.

I want to get back to a regular workout routine as towards the end of 2012 I basically stopped doing anything.

I want to take more pictures of family gatherings and places I go. I failed miserably on that last year.

At some point this year I would love to make it out of the country. And I don't just mean to Canada or Mexico. I mean Costa Rica or England, or anywhere else.

I would also like to start documenting the highlights of my month or day. So at the end of the year I can reflect on all that I've done and can say "Hey I did that this year!"

Here are some ideas from Pinterest on how to do the above:

Peace&Love
~L

Let's Recap

Yes it is one of those typical posts about the end of the year and the start of a new one. Reflecting on the good and bad and preparing for the year ahead. I'm not going to give you resolutions for the new year until tomorrow, since currently I'm very much under the weather and can barely think straight as it is. My year simply summed up goes like this: girl meets boy, girl and boy spend lots of time together getting to know each other, they fall in love, and ring in the new year together. I told you it was simple. If I went into each month and pulled out the highlights I don't think that I could. We would be here forever. I'm going to rest this weary body and hopefully a good night's sleep can knock this out pretty quick!


Happy New Year!

Peace&Love
~L