When To Call it Quits

When I started this little blog 3 years ago I had much bigger hopes for it. I saw the success of many other bloggers out there and kind of wanted that too. However, for me this was a place to just pour out my thoughts. I never focused on one idea here like many successful bloggers do. I wanted this blog to be about me and my life. When I started this I had in mind posts of intrigue. I thought it would show the world this crazy, exciting, good, difficult and adventurous life that I would lead. I don't think I found that not honestly lived that. I'm not even sure how many people really truly read this blog. I appreciate everyone who did and hopefully in some way I changed you. As much as I love being able to journal my thoughts for the world to see, there always has to be an end. Recently, I've only been getting a post up every now and then. It's hard when you don't have immediate internet access and the last thing I want to do is be at Starbucks everyday trying to keep up with this blog. It has been a great outlet for me and I know I will miss it. For now, I need to focus on me and my non bloggin life. I don't know if I will come back somewhere down the road. I also don't want to delete this all together because I feel like I will be ridding myself of a 3 year journal but I feel that's the only way to close this chapter of my life. I will keep it up for a little so I can go and save the posts I connected deeply with. Right now I want to write in a real journal. Paper. Pen. 2015 for me is a year of resolutions I intend to follow through with. 2015 for me is a year about self discovery. For the last time...

Peace&Love
-l

Fall Fun

I can't begin to describe how much fall makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. It brings back days as a child getting excited for the major holidays ahead. This is the time of year where everything seems nearly perfect. The weather. The colors. The food. It almost seems calm. Life is supposed to slow down during the summer but for me fall does that. It's essentially the calm before the storm of winter. I am taking every opportunity to relax and enjoy my favorite season. Whether that has been hiking or reading a book outside. I think we've been blessed with a pretty wonderful September thus far. The leaves are changing but the sun and mid 70s have stuck around for most of the month. Yesterday a friend of mine from work and I went to our local farmers market which was amazing. There were so many local artists and lots of food. We headed to a local restaurant that has the best outdoor seating on the roof which unfortunately was closed yesterday so we sat out on the sidewalk patio instead. We had a couple beers and soaked up the sun and great conversation. After our relaxing morning we headed to the Fox River and rented some kayaks. I've decided I love it and hope to do more of it soon. We spent a few hour taking in the beautiful scenery and the last days of sunshine. After that we headed to her place for some light snacking and more talking. All in all I had a tremendous day enjoying my favorite season.


Peace&Love
-l

Time To Get Real

I've always been very honest and open with all of you here on the blog. I've written about my parents and the divorce and my relationships with each of them. I've written about my bad times like all my car troubles. I've gone in depth about ex boy and how much it hurt not to have him in my life. On the flip side I do write about good things and opportunities. I've thought long and hard about this decision in sharing something about me. A personal demon. I don't talk about it because I don't see it as a huge problem...right now. But I know exactly what it can do and I know it is a very real struggle for so many people. Alcoholism. The very word denotes a negative connotation. There is automatic judgment cast on those who deal with it. I've dealt firsthand with people who have addictions. To drugs. To alcohol. To work. And really the list could be comprised of anything we spend time obsessing over. Yes obsession is the key word.

You may think what does a 26 year old know about being an alcoholic. How could you possibly be that way so young? Well I'm not an alcoholic to make it all clear. But I can tell you the thoughts of having alcohol seem to be more prevelant to me than ever before. I can't say that my life is horrible or beyond stressful but at times it is and it's easier to take the edge off by drinking a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, than it is to destress with exercise or healthy eating. So where exactly do these thoughts come from? Why do I feel the need to just have a drink when I know it's not going to solve the problems. I think if I look deep down inside is my happiness. I'm not the same person I was last year. 2 years ago or even 5 years ago. There is nothing wrong with change. We all go through times or things that change us. I can't remember the last time I did something for me. Yes ME! I'm not selfish person and you can ask anyone that. I've always looked out for others and their well being before my own. But I'm slowly beginning to realize I'm the only one who can dictate what I do in life.  If I'm not happy with some aspect of it I can change it. Although sometimes it's not that easy. I used to be more social and really enjoyed doing things. I hate sitting at home alone doing nothing every weekend. However I do like being alone from time to time to recharge. What I've learned as an adult making friends is a lot harder and so is maintaining those relationships. There are some ladies from work I get along with but most are married or have children or live too far away. So that make sit that much harder to do things. I want to go and do all these fun events but I don't want to do them alone. There in lies my pathetic reason to not be happy. I could just as easily join different groups that are interesting to me, like rock climbing and meet friends that way. Or volunteer. You get the picture. But it's not just my happiness with life in general it's my heart and soul is missing something. Something more like someone that I gave so much of my time and life to and to have my best friend just not be there anymore is still very hard to get over. If you haven't guessed it by now ex boy is who I'm referring too. I'm not saying that he had led me to drink like I do but I know me not getting over him is pouring into all other areas of my life. It becomes a domino effect of I don't want to do this because I was going to do it with him or it reminds me of him. Or the simple fact what if he magically shows up on my doorstep and I'm not there. So yes I'm being pathetic in wasting my life waiting for him. I'm also making the choice to start an addiction because I can't seem to find any other way to make things a little less painful or stressful.

I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic but I am saying I do have issues and this big demon to face. If I don't find alternative ways to make life better I may be setting myself up for failure and a life that I know I'm better than.


Peace&Love
-l

Fall Food

If you don't know I'm a huge fan of fall. It's by far my favorite season. I like the cooler, crisp air. Where it's still warm enough to wear jeans and a sweater without being too hot. It's a great transitional season for fashion. I love the leaves changing colors and the smells of the season. From the burning leaves outside to the pumpkin or apple spiced candles. I'm also a huge football fan Green Bay Packers of course. With football season being in full swing it gets me excited for football parties and the delicious food and beers associated with the game and the season.

Now that I'm living on my own and have my own kitchen appliances to put to use I'm even more excited to start cooking more hearty foods, especially in my crockpot. It's been unusually cool around here for this time of year so today I'm making chili. I've made a few in the past and have tried different receipes, still looking for the right one. I found this on Pinterest from shugarysweets.com. It was really simple to make which I love and somewhat healthy. I used ground turkey instead and a variety of canned veggies to make this chili. It took me about 15 mins to prep and now it's on low and will simmer for the next 6 hrs.

Peace&Love
L

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Everyone knows that old adage. But sometimes you wait and wait and nothing happens. I also think that if you wait nothing will ever get done. You can't sit around and wait for someone else to do something for you or wait for life to do something for you. You have to make the choices in life to receive anything good. I don't like to complain about my life. I haven't had the easiest year thus far. It has been a lot about learning and finding myself. I had a car accident. I had to move again, alone. I lost some friends, which was more of a weight lifted off my shoulders than anything else. Boy and I were together than not and together than not. You know that general gist of that story and I'm not opening that can of worms up. I've struggle to find my place at work and where I fit. I've struggled with the idea of finding something else completely. I've put consideration in going back to school, if things didn't start turning around. There is still a lot of confusion going on in my life and I need some time to figure everything out. I had a few interviews for a higher up position at work and I'm not sure where I stand yet in that process. I can say all things considered, things went well, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'd like to move on with it and either have it or not, so I know what to start focusing on. The decisions haven't been easy because of where boy and I stand. Going back to my car accident...I had kind of forgotten I started a lawsuit. And my lawyer called and said I'd be getting a substantial amount of money back, which was unexpected, but I'm grateful for it. That's all that's been going on in my life as of late. I'm planning a mini trip for just myself soon. Details later.


Peace&Love
~L

On Turning 26

Today is my birthday and to me it doesn't feel like it is. I remember as child getting excited for the parties I would have with my current grade school buddies. The pizza eating. The slumber parties. The gossip and boy talk. There was always a family party too that was usually combined with everyone else's because we all were born in this month. As the years have gone on the celebrating has become less and less and the excitement for a birthday is all but gone. I'm not afraid of getting older. Age doesn't scare me. What scares me is not living life and enjoying the time I'm given. I like having a more relaxing laid back birthday as opposed to a big celebration. I've never been one to be the center of attention in fact I shy away from the spotlight. When I'm complimented or receive credit and praise I say thank you it wasn't a big deal seriously. As much as I'd like to celebrate big and lavishly, it's just fine with me to keep things low key.

So here is to another year. 26 I hope you are good to me and bring me adventures beyond what I could ever imagine.

Peace&Love
-l

My Wandering Thoughts

I know it's been awhile and needless to say that life wasn't terribly exciting during that absence. I need go to the state fair which is a big deal around these parts. You get to spend a hot day with thousands of strangers eating expensively strange things on a stick. It's never a dull atmosphere that's for sure. When the fair is over you can pretty much say summer is done too.

Last Thursday we had an end of summer work party at a local bar and said goodbye to our summer staff. As we once again prepare for the work overload of having no staff but somehow we always make it through.

I've picked up running again. I'm running on average 17-20 miles a week. Which for most people may seem like nothing. But I've got to rebuild the stamina. And I'm picking up more hours again from job 2 so I'm back to 12 hour days. But the running has been good and it's been great to see my slight improvements as the days go on.

Final thought today, I hate spiders! They creep me out beyond words but the place I live in seems to be infested with big, nasty ones. I'm not sure why they like it here so much as I keep it very clean and bright. But I've come faced to face a few times with some about the size of a quarter or slightly larger that I've had to get rid of on my own. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm finally learning to face my fears.

Peace&Love
-l

Trusting Your Gut

You have all heard the saying 'trust your gut'. Mainly because it's true. When you feel something is not right you are probably right about that. If you feel something is right it probably is. Sometimes life gets confusing and it's hard to trust our gut or know if the choice we are making is the right one. But trusting your gut goes beyond just making decisions in life. It's applicable to relationships.

Not too long ago I wrote about the boy. I said things felt off or different. It wasn't that I wanted to feel that way sometimes it's natural. I feel like I've written this same sad story more often than I should. I don't want people out there to judge me for the choices I made. Long story short him and I had broken up twice already. The first time was a more complicated reason than the second. The second time was because he wasn't happy with everything in his life including our relationship yet he couldn't seem to stay away. Maybe he was drawn back because he did miss me. Maybe he liked the complacency and comforts that our relationship brought. Maybe he never gave himself time to get over me. When we got back together this last time. He talked about how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. He wanted to move in and showed commitment. But yet there were all these inner demons he was harnessing from why we broke up the first time and previous relationships. Things going on his family life and he couldn't see or understand how someone could forgive and love him after all he has done. I told him that's what being in love is. But no matter what I said or how much I begged him to stay and simply understand that, nothing was going to change. I know he needs to make himself better and be happy whether that includes me or not. But he said he always knew it was me. That I was the one. That maybe somewhere down the road we will run into each other and it will be perfect. The timing will be right. He will be ok with himself. It will give us time to really miss each other. Not to mention we made a pact that if we were both still single at 30 we would marry each other. Ha! This doesn't bring me much comfort though. I know this is still all fresh and getting over someone takes more than a day. But I will always feels for him different than anyone else. He was my best friend/soulmate. Maybe it's in the cards for us but right now I don't want to think about the future I want to live for now and feel every hurt and remembering every good memory between us. He told me to call if I ever needed him and that he will always be around. So I know he cares but there is always that part of me that knows I won't fully stop loving him and that I will always hold out for him only for him to find someone else. But I have to be ok with whatever happens. I do want him to be in my life at some point. Maybe I'm believing in fate.

What I believe: and even if we never talk again I want you to know that I will never love anyone like I loved you and I am forever altered by who you are and what you meant to me.


I miss him so much and I hope God brings us together again.

Peace&love
-l

Summer is Here!!!

It's finally summer here in the good ole Midwest. Unfortunately, not for long. Today is the first day we have topped 90 all year! Although, up here in Wisconsin we don't typically see 90 very often. Maybe for a few days during the summer and that's it. Around here we've had a rather cool summer, barely even reaching 80. I can't really complain about that. I hate days when its that hot out. I prefer to have temps in the 70's.


Other than the weather not much new or exciting is happening in my life. I guess that is a good thing. I've been busy enjoying the weather and having another baby shower. I feel like babies are popping up everywhere. Work is going to start picking up here again and its going to be really stressful. That is all for now. Hopefully soon I will have some great exciting things to share with you all.


Peace&Love
~L

Progress

If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you know my live/hate relationship with exercise. Most of the time I love it because I'm sort of a health nut. I'm cautious about what I put in my body and want to keep it as young as possible by exercise. Recently I've been in a rut. After staying at someone else place in between moves for nearly a month I maybe ran once. When I moved into my now place, initially it was hard to get moving again. Baby steps.

I've never been an avid runner mainly because I find running boring at times and also because it hurts. I used to run a lot more often and actually did fall in love with it but it's been hard to get out and do it. I'm not entirely sure why. A couple of years ago I bought the Insanity workout program and lived it. I did it with a friend the first time through. It was great to have someone hold you accountable. I lost a lot of weight after the first go round. Then a few months later I decided to do it again. And still saw results. Neither time did I follow their food program. I just chose the right foods to eat. I also never really had a sweet tooth and therefore sugary foods were never a temptation for me. Luckily, they still aren't. After struggling a few months ago to find a program that I loved I decided to give T25 a shot. I knew working 12 hour days M-F I needed something short but still felt like work. I started it about a month ago and haven't seen tremendous results. I feel more energy but that's about it. I also push myself through the whole workout. Maybe it's because I've done insanity multiple times my body has reached it's plateau or I need to keep pushing through the next couple of weeks to see results. Perhaps it's also the way I'm eating. I'm not eating horribly but it hasn't always been the best. That is something I need to work on. Baby steps.


Peace&Love
-l

I Feel All Alone

Yes I'm having a pity party for myself. I shouldn't. There is no reason to at all. I just am in one of those moods. I have an instagram account and who these days doesn't? I follow some family and friends and I guess you could say I'm envious of their lives. I feel like these people have the best lives. They are hanging out with their friends from highschool and college and I don't even know that I have friends. I've always been cautious about who I let in my life because I have this trust issue. I feel like I've turned away from a lot of my friends from college because I don't want people to judge me for the person I've become. They are all very religious and I find that great and amazing, but I have slowly walked away from practicing religion and moved more to I accept what other people believe. I believe in God and what he has done for me, but I no longer attend church. I've had many a discussion with a girl from one of my jobs who is a devout Christian, think Duggar family. It's not that I don't care or don't believe, because I do, I've just become more worldly. I'm not sure that is necessarily better. I know that was a long tangent that almost has nothing to do with me being lonely, but their is a connection, because it wasn't too long ago I was very serious about my faith and practicing and these people, these friends were the core and the encouragement I needed to keep going. I've pushed a lot of people away and I'm not proud of that fact.


I do also realize that people get older and change. Most of my friends are married and have children or don't even live in the state, making it very difficult to maintain relationships. I haven't really stayed in contact with anyone via email or text, mainly because I don't know what any of their phone numbers are. I've pushed my best friend from high school away because I knew how avid a Christian she was and I didn't want her to scare away the boy at the time. Maybe you could say I was living a double life. I told him that I didn't really go to church anymore, which was true and that I still had beliefs, he however didn't, and maybe I was so sucked in to him and wanting to be with him that I changed that huge part of my life. Now realizing how lonely I am, I find myself turning to the person who I abandoned above all others, God. I knew deep down inside I still carried some sort of faith. But that hasn't been put into practice recently. In the past few weeks, I've realized how much I want God to be a main focus in my life again. Whether boy approves or accepts of that is on him. I would love for him to practice and try going to a church with me. But I know that's a long shot, since he never grew up in any sort of religion. I feel like I wouldn't feel so lonely if I brought God back into my life. I know right now, its going to be predominately prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit.


Wow this has really gotten off topic, but my point here is maybe reconnecting with God will help be reconnect with some of the friends I lost along the way. I don't want to just sit and waste my life away alone and bored. I know I have to be willing to put myself out there and be willing to meet new people who share similar interests as me.


I'm done having a pity party now.


Peace&Love
~l

Feelings of Jealousy

I admit that I feel this way. I don't like to say that I'm jealous of people because I like supporting and being happy for people. I shouldn't feel jealous at all but I do. A few months ago I was promoted at work. I became health and safety coordinator. One step lower than assistant director. Basically, I am third in command. More responsibility has been delegated on me and I also am opening manager. However, I have felt that this responsibility is shifting and being given to preggers. I love her as a friend and I get her being 8 months pregnant it's hard to do much anymore other than mainly sitting in the office doing that kind of work. Our director and assistant director have been off a lot recently so they like having the extra help when the other one isn't around. All of this is fine and dandy but I feel as though being third in command I should be the one pulled out of the room to get to do this stuff. Next week our director is gone for a conference leaving just the AD and I know preggers will be her second in command all week. Especially on Monday when both of them are out of the building I should have been designated the task of being in charge but instead preggers is and I don't find that to be fair. Again I understand she is limited because of her pregnancy but then don't tell me im going to be in charge and then take that away. I know it shouldn't be something I get upset about but she is getting trained to do all of this stuff that I thought I'd be learning and start getting trained in. I don't know what to do or if I should say how I feel about the situation because I already know what the answer will be. She's pregnant. She can't do much else. It's almost like she is part of the club and in with the higher ups by simply being pregnant. Would things be this way if she wasn't? I guess I can't think like that. I suppose this gives me more reason to find a better job.

Peace&love
L

I've Been Gone For Too Long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything. As you know I left on my last post on a down note. Things weren't going so well for me. I can't say things have gotten worse but things aren't totally making me happy. Let me try to catch you up to speed as to where I am right now. (Excuse me if things are not typed correctly I'm using my phone. I am currently without internet so it becomes more of a hassle to go elsewhere to get internet.) everything that happened with my living situation luckily to care of itself quickly. I looked at a few places in my price range and settled on a small one bedroom not too far from where I work and easy access to everything. I wasn't able to move in until the middle of May but was fortunate a friend from work and her husband took me in for 3 weeks. That was a fun time with them and I appreciate getting to spend more time with her. More on her later in the post. I had help from my dad and ex boy moving me in and reality set in... I was living alone. For the first time ever in my life. I was severely independent from a young age and that hasn't changed. I had always wanted to live alone but could never afford to. I didn't think I could this time either but watching my finances has helped. Ex boy has gone through a lot of personal/emotional issues as of late wanting to get back together and then not. We are currently together and I'm happy to a degree. He for awhile was happy to be together and wanted to marry me. Up until last week things seemed to be going well. However, he has seemed really distant and seems to be doing the opposite of what I loved about him. I'm trying to change in order to make it work but he seems so set in his ways nothing will change him. I just have to be careful and guarded. I do love him and always will but right now something seems to be missing and that is lack of communication on his end. Trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth. Above all I want to be happy. I am happy when I am with him and look forward to our time together but lately he is making me question everything and maybe it's time to move on. Let him find himself first.

That's pretty much the big news in my life this far most everything else has been small details. Becky as mentioned above is super pregnant and will be having a boy in August. We had a surprise baby shower for her which she almost ruined. I reconnected with my best friend from highschool and hopefully we can start doing more together. My grandparents celebrated 65 years of marriage and we had a wonderful weekend celebration for them. I've done lots of beach time and weekend relaxing but right now I'm needing a week long vacation away from this state. Whether it's me a lone or with a friend or with boy. I also hope to start keeping up with this blog. It's a great release for me.


Peace&love
L

Life is Chaos

You never really know how strong of a person you are until life just keeps handing you obstacle after obstacle and you are standing there incapable of stopping it. The weight of the world is crushing down on you and you are completely helpless. No one ever asks to be given struggles in life. No one likes having to deal with hardships. Life isn't easy. I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but the reasons for me not being on here or taking the time to make this blog become something more, is because life has got the best of me. Just when I think I'm going to catch my breath from that one difficult period, life laughs at me and says, 'oh sweetie, we are just getting started on the bad things.' Better saddle up and enjoy the ride, looks like this is going to be the year of struggles. I feel like I've had struggles every year and I always think that year, man this year has been tough, but honestly, this one has been by far the toughest I can remember. We are only 4 months in and I'm ready for a fresh start a new year. I know I shouldn't just look at the bad things, but my blessings as well, but right now, I can't remember the last time something good happened. So far this year...car accident, all the stress of buying a car and now paying car payments, still working 2 jobs-was hoping to put that second job to rest, but can't now because I need to find a place to live in less than 3 weeks, my boyfriend dumped me, but not for a very good reason, and in the past 2 weeks I've spent a majority of my time in the hospital/doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me.


The looking for a place to live was all just brand new stuff that my roommates decided to spring on me 2 days ago. I was unaware however, how much time I would have to get out of here. I figured they would wait til their lease was up at the end of May, but it looks like they will be gone on the 9th. They haven't actually told me that, just overheard it in a conversation they had. All of this was made possible because he decided to take forever and wait to renew his nurse's license. Apparently, the company never received his app renewal, and since he didn't bother looking for a temp job in the mean time, they are relying on her income only to pay the bills. Well obviously, her money won't take them far, so they decided it was time to move back to Michigan. They were going to stay with family for free until they could get back on their feet. I initially understood they needed to do what was best for them. However, after overhearing their conversations with family, all of it was a lie or at least partial truths. Apparently, they already have a place lined up to live in when they get there and have jobs already lined up. It's almost as if they knew months ago they were going to be moving, but never had the balls to say anything to me. It's shady. I hate shady people. You cross me once and I wash my hands of it. I thought things would be ok, but now there will be no relationship between us. I have to look out for me and my well being. I have to ask others to help me and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry if I have to tell people at work before you get a chance to. I was given no time to find a place. So now this is the payback you get. I never asked for it to get ugly, but if you aren't going to be honest and open with me, I won't care about you. I can play dirty too. This is almost exactly what happened last year at this same time. No more can I trust people. I need to be looking out for me and only me. I appreciate the people who have offered a temporary place for me to stay.


I know I shouldn't complain about things that are happening to me. There are far worse things that I could be going through. But all I ask is that once, just once I can get through a month without something major happening. I just want something good to happen for me. I want to not be stressed. I want to be able to navigate through this and be done with it. I just need some strength to get through.


Peace&Love
~L

On Hiatus

Sorry for the long time off, trust me it is probably not the only time in the next few weeks will be gone for a long period of time. As you can see I have my own space now a .com! I'm trying to seriously figure out how to get a better looking blog and perhaps get it off of blogger. Don't get me wrong I love blogger, and the free hosting, but as of recently, I've had too many problems to count. It's definitely time for a change around here. I'm ready to take this to the next level. But I'm about as clueless as they come for what I need to do next. I've got my domain name. Now I'm stuck. I'm reading up on things as much as possible, but sometimes the good ol' internets doesn't help me. Anyone have suggestions? I'm in dire need of them.


I don't even know where to start with what has happened in the past month. I thought that this year was going to be a good one, and we all know how well that started off. The hits just kept on coming. There is one major thing that happened, that I'm not quite ready to share or go into detail, since it breaks my heart to think about it, or say it. I'm not ready to breach that topic and I'm not ready for that chapter of my life to be over. So that has got me stressed and sad. Work has been harder. It gets more difficult everyday, mainly because I don't want to be there anymore. We are still in winter around here. Thankfully there is not much snow left, but it is freezing cold. That certainly doesn't make anything better. Especially on weekends, being cooped up inside constantly being forced to think about everything. I've also been toying with the idea of moving on my own. As much as I probably can't afford that right now, I need the time away from other people. I live with a pretty much married couple, which is alright, but I feel awkward 90% of the time and they feel more like parents, questioning where I'm going. I just want to be able to leave and come as I choose to.


I don't want you to think that all of it has been bad the past month, because it hasn't. I got 'promoted' if you will at work, to opening manager. So I get to be boss for about an hour. No raise though. I also am doing Learning Adventures, which is an extra curriculum for students to have more one on one focus. I also went to the St. Patty's Day Parade with Kelly in MKE, which was a lot of fun. Lots of people, cold weather, but good company. I know nothing terribly exciting, but its hard when my close friends aren't around or have their own lives.


This is probably my only post for awhile, while I get this whole blog thing set and going!


Help is always welcome!


Peace&Love
~L

The Winter That Never Ends

Seriously though?! The dumping we have all been waiting for here in good ol' Wisconsin has finally made its way to us. At one point early on this winter, back in December it seemed that it snowed every other day. We would get 3 inches sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. But you know that begins to add up over time. Then it stopped. It didn't snow anymore. It just got very cold. Once in awhile we'd get an inch or a little dusting. But the snow from early on just stayed around. It never got warm enough to melt some of it away. Then the epic storm we have at least once a season hit today. 5-7 inches across the land. The nice thick, heavy stuff. You know the kind where you can make snowmen out of. So now it seems that this snow will stay forever. The next few days show signs of promise and of spring, but with rain forecasted and the warmer temps that will not make for a nice time around here. Flooding anyone? And then the bottom drops out again and we will be back to single digits and teen temps around here. I feel as if this has been one hell of a long ass winter. But I think we have been spoiled the past few years. Not much snow. Not much freezing cold days. We've lost our toughness and grit. We've forgotten what winter in the upper Midwest is really like. It sucks that we have been so spoiled. The feeling that the winter will at least go on for another 2 months makes my head hurt, my body is just ready for it to be over. The days are getting longer and that always makes me happy, but seeing the blanket of snow and seeing the forecast for colder weather doesn't.


Peace&Love
~L

At the End of the Rope

This past week, nearly 2 weeks, have been some of the most difficult and trying times of my life. Getting in a car accident, having to rent a car and stress about that, then having to find a car in limited time with limited funds has got me stressed beyond belief. We also had a shooting right outside our apartment a couple of nights ago, which has made everything that much more tense. I'm really trying to balance everything in my life. I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for a car, on top of everything else I was already struggling to pay. I know in the long run, this will all work out and be better for me. I will have a nice car. I hope to have nice easy payments on the car. I don't want to get behind on paying for student loans or anything like that either. I am just struggling over here. Hanging on with one hand, probably just one finger and I'm about ready to let go. But I have to keep trusting and have faith that God has this all figured out.




Peace&Love
~l

How to End a Month With a Bang

Let me tell you how to end a rather dull, long, boring month with a bang. You are probably thinking to yourself, 'she went on an awesome vacation to some tropical beach' or 'she went to an amazing concert' or even perhaps 'she scored tickets to the superbowl'. Unfortunately it was none of those things.


This past Wednesday I was in a car accident. Not my fault. I was rearended by a woman who was not paying attention to me. She was too concerned about the other drivers turning than the one car she should have been paying attention to. I happened to be the lucky soul who got to deal with this women's lack of attention. This is my first major accident. My car is no longer my car. My car and I have been through a lot of stuff and most of it not good over the past year. So I can't help but think that this is a blessing in disguise. As much as the situation sucks, because I already have plenty of bills to pay a month and car payments are not something else I would like to have. My car was paid in full and I was hoping to make it at least another 5 years on that baby. I was an emotional wreck that night and couldn't help but think, when is it going to be my turn for something great to happen?! I feel like I give and give of myself and help and am kind to those around me, but yet I keep getting the short end of the stick. I also want to just go back to that day and not be ahead of her. I always think when I drive past accidents, 'thank God it wasn't me' or 'just a few minutes earlier that could have been me.' Well, now it is me and I get to deal with all the messy insurance companies and possible lawyers as well as trying to find a car for cheap. I also need a way of getting around, because currently, I feel like I'm on house arrest. But I shouldn't complain, I was seriously injured, nor am I dead. Worse things could have happened.


The next day boy and I got into a huge fight and said things we shouldn't have said to each other. I more than him and still feel utterly horrible about it. I apologized over and over and I know he is still holding a grudge about it. But I know he still loves me and cares because he picked me up yesterday and he didn't have to and then spent countless hours with me at the hospital. I could tell he was still mad, but the fact he did those things through his anger, shows me how much he loves me.


Yesterday morning, my ride to work in the morning got pulled over for not stopping completely at a stop sign. At this point, I was laughing hysterically, because that was really what I needed to cap off a wonderful week. I had my pity party for myself and all I want right now is a car. I hate relying on other people for anything, and its going to be hard to suck up my pride and allow people to help. I'm hoping I get a car soon. I'm also hoping I'm not fearful of getting behind the wheel of a car and being able to drive.




Peace&Love
~l

Polar Vortex Part ?

Every year without fail, I say I'm sick of winter or can't stand the cold. But no winter has ever compared to the winter we are in right now. I know we live in the upper Midwest, this should be something we are used to. But I'm here to tell you on behalf of everyone, that this is not normal. This winter has been anything but normal. I'm really sick of having to bundle up to the extreme just to walk out to my car. I'm also sick of worrying that my car may not start the next day, because of these insane temperatures. I'm beyond ready for spring to be here and unfortunately in this state we have at least another 2 solid months of winter. If it's going to be a continual polar vortex from here on out, its going to be one miserable winter. But if I can say anything positive about this weather...its making me pretty tough and hardy. So when it actually does decided to be above zero someday, I will actually think its pretty warm out.


Peace&Love
~L

These Feelings

Why can't I shake these feelings? Why do I feel that I'm not good enough/will never be good enough? I feel like I'm always having to compete or one up someone. Why can't people just accept me for who I am without question? Why do you need to judge me? Why do I feel like I'm losing boy all over again? One day for weeks on end he is professing his undying love for me and making big promises and being super sweet and the next day for the past few weeks he is being really sketch about a lot of things and doesn't even seem to be fully in this thing. I don't get it. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel hopeless. I can't seem to do anything right to please anybody. I've got issues going on at work. I'm trying to go for this Health and Safety Coordinator position and I think that would definitely benefit me in where I need to be in the next phase of my life. But of course, one of the other teachers all of a sudden decided that she would also like to be it, because it would help her for her future job. She doesn't want to be in the health sector and I do. Not much has been said about this at work, but I know no matter what happens neither of us will like the outcome. Now there are talks about both of us being interviewed by one of my good friends at work. All I can hear now is if I get it, the reason is is because I'm friends with her. If I get it, this other girl will be super mad. Just like how I went out with that good friend, who also happens to be my boss, last night for a few drinks and just to talk. The other girl is super pissed about it, but of course she won't talk about it. I just have to deal with the awkward situation since I also live with her. I'm just sick of being around stupid juvenile drama. I stopped acting that way a long time ago, and I assumed that everyone else did too, but clearly I was wrong.


Then I've got whatever happening with my boyfriend. We talk, but it doesn't feel like it did a few weeks ago. I know he is stressed out with work, but that's not a good enough reason to stop talking to me, or telling me you miss me, love me or simply calling me babe or beautiful. Last night he went out with his brother and some guy friends, and I trust him. I know he did some stuff last night that could have hindered his judgment and conveniently enough his phone died part way through the night. He has been texting me a little today, but not leading on to what happened last night. Even though I'm trying to figure out what went down. So then that makes me feel like something happened and he doesn't want me to find out or talk about. I guess I don't know what I did. How come I can be so affectionate and loving to him all of the time, but he can only do that in return some of the time, when it seems to work best for him? And anytime I talk to him about this he thinks I'm stupid. And maybe I am, but I know what I should deserve. Not half-assedness.




I hate being alone with my thoughts.


Peace&Love
~l

Time to Cross Off #6

I can't believe it finally happened. It happened in the least expected way and rather sudden. I went to my first ever professional football game, and a Packers one at that. To top that off, it was a wildcard playoff game. I didn't have very high hopes for a victory, since we barely squeaked into the playoffs, and sure enough we did lose. The experience however, is indescribable.


The great state of Wisconsin, among plenty of others, were experiencing what has been called a polar vortex. Basically super cold air that was keeping temperatures below zero with even worse wind chills. Imagine going to a football game in that kind of weather. Layers upon layers would not be enough for this poor body of mine. We lasted until midway through the second quarter when we knew it was time to leave. It was surreal. Being surrounded by thousands of fans who are just as crazy as you are about a team, maybe even crazier. The green and gold and the unofficial color hunter's orange were seen throughout the stadium.


How we scored the tickets to the playoff game was rather simple, boy's boss won them in the lottery system and offered them up to him, for a pretty price of course. But he wasn't about to turn down tickets to a playoff game, and I'm glad he didn't and invited me to join. Although I wish the weather was warmer, the experience was great. And I'm glad I get to cross that off the list.








I wrote this a few days ago and tried uploading photos but this here blogosphere had other thoughts. (This is what I get for not switching to .com yet)


Peace&Love
~L