Yes I'm having a pity party for myself. I shouldn't. There is no reason to at all. I just am in one of those moods. I have an instagram account and who these days doesn't? I follow some family and friends and I guess you could say I'm envious of their lives. I feel like these people have the best lives. They are hanging out with their friends from highschool and college and I don't even know that I have friends. I've always been cautious about who I let in my life because I have this trust issue. I feel like I've turned away from a lot of my friends from college because I don't want people to judge me for the person I've become. They are all very religious and I find that great and amazing, but I have slowly walked away from practicing religion and moved more to I accept what other people believe. I believe in God and what he has done for me, but I no longer attend church. I've had many a discussion with a girl from one of my jobs who is a devout Christian, think Duggar family. It's not that I don't care or don't believe, because I do, I've just become more worldly. I'm not sure that is necessarily better. I know that was a long tangent that almost has nothing to do with me being lonely, but their is a connection, because it wasn't too long ago I was very serious about my faith and practicing and these people, these friends were the core and the encouragement I needed to keep going. I've pushed a lot of people away and I'm not proud of that fact.
I do also realize that people get older and change. Most of my friends are married and have children or don't even live in the state, making it very difficult to maintain relationships. I haven't really stayed in contact with anyone via email or text, mainly because I don't know what any of their phone numbers are. I've pushed my best friend from high school away because I knew how avid a Christian she was and I didn't want her to scare away the boy at the time. Maybe you could say I was living a double life. I told him that I didn't really go to church anymore, which was true and that I still had beliefs, he however didn't, and maybe I was so sucked in to him and wanting to be with him that I changed that huge part of my life. Now realizing how lonely I am, I find myself turning to the person who I abandoned above all others, God. I knew deep down inside I still carried some sort of faith. But that hasn't been put into practice recently. In the past few weeks, I've realized how much I want God to be a main focus in my life again. Whether boy approves or accepts of that is on him. I would love for him to practice and try going to a church with me. But I know that's a long shot, since he never grew up in any sort of religion. I feel like I wouldn't feel so lonely if I brought God back into my life. I know right now, its going to be predominately prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit.
Wow this has really gotten off topic, but my point here is maybe reconnecting with God will help be reconnect with some of the friends I lost along the way. I don't want to just sit and waste my life away alone and bored. I know I have to be willing to put myself out there and be willing to meet new people who share similar interests as me.
I'm done having a pity party now.
Peace&Love
~l
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