These Feelings

Why can't I shake these feelings? Why do I feel that I'm not good enough/will never be good enough? I feel like I'm always having to compete or one up someone. Why can't people just accept me for who I am without question? Why do you need to judge me? Why do I feel like I'm losing boy all over again? One day for weeks on end he is professing his undying love for me and making big promises and being super sweet and the next day for the past few weeks he is being really sketch about a lot of things and doesn't even seem to be fully in this thing. I don't get it. I feel lost. I feel confused. I feel hopeless. I can't seem to do anything right to please anybody. I've got issues going on at work. I'm trying to go for this Health and Safety Coordinator position and I think that would definitely benefit me in where I need to be in the next phase of my life. But of course, one of the other teachers all of a sudden decided that she would also like to be it, because it would help her for her future job. She doesn't want to be in the health sector and I do. Not much has been said about this at work, but I know no matter what happens neither of us will like the outcome. Now there are talks about both of us being interviewed by one of my good friends at work. All I can hear now is if I get it, the reason is is because I'm friends with her. If I get it, this other girl will be super mad. Just like how I went out with that good friend, who also happens to be my boss, last night for a few drinks and just to talk. The other girl is super pissed about it, but of course she won't talk about it. I just have to deal with the awkward situation since I also live with her. I'm just sick of being around stupid juvenile drama. I stopped acting that way a long time ago, and I assumed that everyone else did too, but clearly I was wrong.


Then I've got whatever happening with my boyfriend. We talk, but it doesn't feel like it did a few weeks ago. I know he is stressed out with work, but that's not a good enough reason to stop talking to me, or telling me you miss me, love me or simply calling me babe or beautiful. Last night he went out with his brother and some guy friends, and I trust him. I know he did some stuff last night that could have hindered his judgment and conveniently enough his phone died part way through the night. He has been texting me a little today, but not leading on to what happened last night. Even though I'm trying to figure out what went down. So then that makes me feel like something happened and he doesn't want me to find out or talk about. I guess I don't know what I did. How come I can be so affectionate and loving to him all of the time, but he can only do that in return some of the time, when it seems to work best for him? And anytime I talk to him about this he thinks I'm stupid. And maybe I am, but I know what I should deserve. Not half-assedness.




I hate being alone with my thoughts.


Peace&Love
~l