I've always been very honest and open with all of you here on the blog. I've written about my parents and the divorce and my relationships with each of them. I've written about my bad times like all my car troubles. I've gone in depth about ex boy and how much it hurt not to have him in my life. On the flip side I do write about good things and opportunities. I've thought long and hard about this decision in sharing something about me. A personal demon. I don't talk about it because I don't see it as a huge problem...right now. But I know exactly what it can do and I know it is a very real struggle for so many people. Alcoholism. The very word denotes a negative connotation. There is automatic judgment cast on those who deal with it. I've dealt firsthand with people who have addictions. To drugs. To alcohol. To work. And really the list could be comprised of anything we spend time obsessing over. Yes obsession is the key word.
You may think what does a 26 year old know about being an alcoholic. How could you possibly be that way so young? Well I'm not an alcoholic to make it all clear. But I can tell you the thoughts of having alcohol seem to be more prevelant to me than ever before. I can't say that my life is horrible or beyond stressful but at times it is and it's easier to take the edge off by drinking a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, than it is to destress with exercise or healthy eating. So where exactly do these thoughts come from? Why do I feel the need to just have a drink when I know it's not going to solve the problems. I think if I look deep down inside is my happiness. I'm not the same person I was last year. 2 years ago or even 5 years ago. There is nothing wrong with change. We all go through times or things that change us. I can't remember the last time I did something for me. Yes ME! I'm not selfish person and you can ask anyone that. I've always looked out for others and their well being before my own. But I'm slowly beginning to realize I'm the only one who can dictate what I do in life. If I'm not happy with some aspect of it I can change it. Although sometimes it's not that easy. I used to be more social and really enjoyed doing things. I hate sitting at home alone doing nothing every weekend. However I do like being alone from time to time to recharge. What I've learned as an adult making friends is a lot harder and so is maintaining those relationships. There are some ladies from work I get along with but most are married or have children or live too far away. So that make sit that much harder to do things. I want to go and do all these fun events but I don't want to do them alone. There in lies my pathetic reason to not be happy. I could just as easily join different groups that are interesting to me, like rock climbing and meet friends that way. Or volunteer. You get the picture. But it's not just my happiness with life in general it's my heart and soul is missing something. Something more like someone that I gave so much of my time and life to and to have my best friend just not be there anymore is still very hard to get over. If you haven't guessed it by now ex boy is who I'm referring too. I'm not saying that he had led me to drink like I do but I know me not getting over him is pouring into all other areas of my life. It becomes a domino effect of I don't want to do this because I was going to do it with him or it reminds me of him. Or the simple fact what if he magically shows up on my doorstep and I'm not there. So yes I'm being pathetic in wasting my life waiting for him. I'm also making the choice to start an addiction because I can't seem to find any other way to make things a little less painful or stressful.
I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic but I am saying I do have issues and this big demon to face. If I don't find alternative ways to make life better I may be setting myself up for failure and a life that I know I'm better than.
Peace&Love
-l
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