A new discovery

I think I learned something about myself today, when I discover something that is good news, I should be happy right? When someone asks me if I'm interested in a job I should say heck yes and take an application and be happy right? When I discover that I really will graduate in May and I more than likely won't have to take a summer class, I should be happy right? WRONG!!!!

I came back from financial aid and cried. Then I thought to myself, why? This is exactly what you want and have been waiting for. I think I have learned that when things seem good and easy in my life I tend to run away from that ease and make it more difficult for myself. It is true of anything I have ever done. When I went to my first college, MLC, it was the place I had always wanted to go and be. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I don't know if I still want to be one, however I realize I still want to work with kids and now I'm in this hard place. I settled into MLC and it was easy and fun and then I left. I went to WLC, my second college. I met a few people and that was great, besides I was home and that felt good. But yet again I chose to pack up and leave to live hundreds of miles away from home and the people I knew and loved. I left that easy life and stepped out of my comfort zone.

Yesterday I was in Bath and Body Works and was talking with one of the ladies who worked there and she asked if I was interested in a job and I just stared at her and was like um not right now. Really?! I'm so desprate for a job and then I just say no. Is it because I was thrown off guard or because I was given this opportunity and to give myself some sort of income and that would have been too easy and I need to have my life be hard. Then today I discovered that there were classes I didn't need to take and I thought I did and I was in a panic to make sure I would be able to do them. I should have been ecstatic about it. But now I have to rearrange my entire schedule and figure out what classes I should take instead and hope to God they are open. But was I just frustrated because I have to essentially make a new schedule or was I just wanting it to be more difficult? Maybe its fear for what lies ahead. Once I graduate where do I go? What do I do? Should i go back to school and pursue something else? I don't usually make plans far into the future because it always changes. I usually don't panic about these things, because I have God with me and ultimately he will lead me to where he wants me.

Why is it so hard for me to just accept it when life is easy? Why do I always have to find the difficult sides? Thats not even normal. What human being would want to live life like that? Everyone wants life to be easy and fun. What is my problem? I'm just so mixed up. I guess the next few days will be organizing a new schedule and then the next few months will be figuring out where to go and what to do. I've been blessed with some amazing gifts and I'm afraid I'm not doing what I should be and living up to my potential. "Your talent is God's gift to you, what you do with it is your gift to God."