Have I gone away to do what I said I would? Clear my head? Get back to me? Find my inner free spirit? Did I find the girl who doesn't settle and take no for an answer? The girl who has a constant itch to try something new or be on the move? I'm not sure I have. I feel more foggy and confused than I ever have.
I started writing the above a little over a week ago and knew there was still so much to think about and I couldn't share it yet.
Yes I'm still as clueless as I was before the hiatus. I've realized a few things though. 1) I have a powerful personality and sometimes it comes across as being mean or having an attitude and by no means am I trying to do that. I'm naturally sarcastic and many people don't understand that. 2) I want to be free more than anything else. I don't want to be tethered to something. I want to love my job, but I don't want to be so committed that if another opportunity presents itself I can't do it because I don't want to take the risk. That's just it I'm a risk taker. I have no commitments that are keeping me stuck. 3) I want to travel. And learn. Immerse myself in another culture. I want to keep learning. Sometimes the best way to learn is from someone else somewhere else. 4)I still haven't let go of ex-boy. Maybe that's my biggest problem at current. I still talk and hang out with him. I love him. Maybe I'm confusing loving him and being IN love with him. He broke my heart. Period. The fact that I forgave him and moved on and can still be friends with him is pretty impressive. But I think about the future...what if I'm offered a job or find another job in another state? What if I go abroad for a few months and have no contact with him? Should I be that person that waits for him or have him have such a hold over my life? It is MY life and no one person should dictate what I do or where I go. But I can't or maybe I don't want to see what my life would be like without him. And maybe it's selfish of me to think of the what ifs to our relationship. What if he never did what he did? What if he was just honest about how he was feeling? What if we stayed together after all of the stuff that happened? What if we could go back to the beginning of it all? But the what if's aren't getting me anywhere. Because what happened has happened. No matter how much I wish it didn't. 5) I don't have much time before I have to find a new place to live. In many ways I'm so ready to move out of this shit hole. But I'm ready to be able to live on my own. I just want my own place. I want to decorate it how I want it. I want it to look clean and nice and inviting. But I can't financially afford that and so I need a roommate. I do love my current roommate, we generally get along. But because of how much I just want to live alone...I feel like I'm pushing her away a little. 6) I want to go back and get my master's. But all I see are problems. Money. Where would I go? Will there be a better paying job in what I want to do on the other end? Leaving ex-boy(see #4 above). I'm very comfortable just upping and leaving and moving out. I've done it a few times before. I'm very strong and independent that way. 7) Somewhere in the past few years, maybe more or less months, I've lost my relationship with God. I do believe in him and what he has done for me. I just don't practice anymore. Maybe it's me believing in God and not religion. I don't want to be that person that says, well so much shit has happened to me recently and I blame God. Well, shit has happened no doubt, but I've never been one to dwell on the negatives and question why they happen to me. I usually take it as a lesson and move on. I've been blessed with being a strong person. But I used to be so confident in all that I believe and I never used to shy away from it. Now I feel like I don't know who or what I am in God's eyes. And I do know a lot of ways to fix that relationship. Prayer. Studying. Church. Forgiveness.
Here's what it comes down to: I'm still a very confused individual who has a lot to sort out and think about. Maybe in a month's time after my vacation and I move out of this current place, things will start to be less foggy. Maybe things will be a little easier and understandable. Maybe things with ex-boy will change and the romantic feelings I still have for him can be fully submerged. I have to understand that I don't know 100% what he wants out of this and if he ever wants us to get back together romantically. If he doesn't I have to accept that. All I know is I have to keep being that independent and strong willed woman and keep trusting in the choices that I make.
Just some quotes that are getting me to think.
Peace&Love
~L
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