Bad bad bad naughty thoughts. I should preface this by saying that ex-boy and I are back together again. I have a post saved that I never published describing how that came to be. It's everything that I've wanted and been waiting for I should be over the moon happy, but still I sit here with thoughts eating away at my brain. Is he just doing this to make me happy? Is he just settling because he can't or doesn't want to find someone else? I see tweets of his about checking out other females...and I know he just does that as a joke...and talking to other females. I'm not typically the jealous type. I don't care if he talks to females, but if you know the reason why we broke up in the first place, you would understand my concern. I spent the night at his place on Friday and he was telling me how happy he is we are back together. He told me he knew I was the one, when we weren't together and he couldn't go a day without wanting me there. He said he thinks it was good to be apart so we both could figure out what we really wanted and if this was it. In the middle of the night he rolled over popped up and said, you are the love of my life. It's just you and me til the end. Forever and always. So you wonder why I would ever question or doubt him...I wonder the same. Maybe this time I'm too scared to go all the way in. Maybe this time it feels different. I still have to trust him. I don't ever want to hold what he did to me over his head. I feel like our relationship will never grow if I can't move past it. Maybe its things like him texting me...our first time around he texted me morning, noon and night, now its a rarity and if he does it's basically asking me how my day was and that's it. I told myself this time through I wouldn't be as clingy as I feel I was the first time. I want to spend time with him, but he should be able to spend time alone and with his friends too. But I feel as though he still doesn't understand that I want time with him too. I don't always want to hang out with his friends and family every weekend. And maybe because we know each other this time around we don't have to put on a front to try and win the other person over. And maybe I'm just overthinking and overanalyzing everything like I always do and I simply can't let it be what it is. I think the hardest part right now is he asked me to do this again and I agreed to it, but I feel like we still haven't discussed what we want to do differently in our relationship this time. Obviously I want him to be open and honest with me and not lie to me. But most of all even though we are starting all over again so to speak, and the fiery passion is there and playfulness is there, it went away last time we did this and I think that's what started our downward spiral. This time when it starts to fade, we have to be willing to stick together and not run away. We have to find things to do that ignite that passion and playfulness. I know and understand that I'm going to hurt him and he will hurt me at some point in our relationship. We aren't perfect. I also know we will fight. But through all of that I don't want us to ignore whatever happened or walk away from each other. I want us to talk and work through it, otherwise this relationship is never going to happen. I know he talks about moving in together and how he really means it this time. I do believe him. But we have to find a balance and not be afraid to talk to each other.
Anyways this is it in a nutshell: I do love him with all of my heart and I couldn't imagine my life without him, but I am afraid to do this all over again, for fear of my heart being broken more than it ever possibly could again. This is exactly how I feel, quote from HIMYM "Being in a couple is hard, committing, making sacrifices it's hard. But if it's the right person, its easy. Looking at the girl (or my case man) and knowing she's all you really want in life that should be the easiest thing in the world. If its not like that then she's not the one." It really is that simple, he is all I really want in life. Period.
Sorry for my crazy word vomit and emotional thoughts.
Peace&Love
~L
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