Boy Talk

Lets just say if I thought I was doing good masking my emotions and getting over ex-boy, well all of that has just resurfaced. As you know I met up with him on Friday night. Things were awkward at first, well the whole night actually. We basically talked about what we had been up to and if we were seeing anybody and what we had going for us in the near future. Not once did we ever talk about what happened between us and why he chose to meet up at that place and time. I know we both wanted to talk about it, but I think we both were unsure how to bring it up and not make an unserious time, serious. So then yesterday morning I decided to text him and ask him why now? What made you decide to have dinner with me then? What exactly are we doing here? He responded with this is not the venue for this conversation but long story short I was no longer self loathing and in that darkness, but we can talk about this some other time. Ok fine. But I can't help but wonder if that some other time exists. We texted periodically throughout the day yesterday, just about random things. But I need to know some answers. As much as hurts to see him doing so well and apparently he has gotten over me relatively easy, while I apparently put on a good front, because he thinks I'm doing so well also. Deep down, none of this has been easy and the fact it hasn't even been 2 months yet I don't know where my head is at. It is all sorts of lost and confused. Everyone keeps telling me to be careful and not get my hopes up for something more to happen. And yes I was the one who asked him to promise to contact me when he was ready, but honestly, I didn't think he would, let alone that soon. And maybe that proves something there. I don't want to read into it though. My hopes aren't up for us ever getting back together. As friends, I might be ok with that, but even that for me would still take time. But I need to know what he wants. I don't want to be strung along either way. I feel like he is still not done partying, and drinking, and whatever else he tends to do. I have no problem with him doing those things if he so chooses. But I'm not sure he will ever grow up and stop doing those things.

I had a good conversation with my cousin Kate last night about all of this. She said her husband did the same sort of thing. They had been dating about a year and he just up and left and she was all up in arms about it, much like I was with boy. Then about 3 months later she got a call from him crying saying he was so sorry and how much he messed up and how he only wanted to be with her. Kate said that maybe boy is doing the same thing. That he may be reaching out, but doesn't know how to vocalize what he is feeling. And maybe he does miss me and want me back, but I deserve to know an answer, none of this beating around the bush crap.

I never wanted to get back to here. The pain I felt the first time through was horrible, but seeing him again, made all of those feelings come back. Then listening to him speak about his past month and a half, I couldn't help but think he really only cared about himself and got himself in crazy drunk situations. He was putting himself out there in a matter of speaking, but according to him not hooking up with anyone. And maybe the pain is harder for me, because I was so eager and willing to give him another chance which he turned down. And the potential of him moving on with his life and possibly finding someone else would probably send me to a point of pure anger and something in me just very well might die. Don't get me wrong, I do want him to be happy in his life and he needs to do what is best for him, but the whole situation has never been fair to me. The reason why we broke up in the first place was on him, and not accepting another chance is on him. But I did nothing wrong to deserve any of that. I wanted him then even through the pain and the heartbreak. After seeing him again, I miss us. I miss how we used to be. I had a life with him. And that just makes me want him all over again, but maybe I'm not meant to have him again. And I know at some point I just have to be willing to give it all up and stop being so desperate for something that will never happen or be good for me. I don't want to spend my days wasting away pining for him, but I thought I could handle this and maybe I can't. Maybe we can't just be friends, because I want something so much more. I wish he would just talk to me about this. I wish this was easier. I never wanted to be this girl that keeps crawling back to that boy. I miss him so much it sucks because I feel I'm walking a one way street here. None of this makes sense and I wish I had all of the answers but I don't.

Wow this got really long and deep really fast!

Peace&Love
~L