Fall Fun

I can't begin to describe how much fall makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. It brings back days as a child getting excited for the major holidays ahead. This is the time of year where everything seems nearly perfect. The weather. The colors. The food. It almost seems calm. Life is supposed to slow down during the summer but for me fall does that. It's essentially the calm before the storm of winter. I am taking every opportunity to relax and enjoy my favorite season. Whether that has been hiking or reading a book outside. I think we've been blessed with a pretty wonderful September thus far. The leaves are changing but the sun and mid 70s have stuck around for most of the month. Yesterday a friend of mine from work and I went to our local farmers market which was amazing. There were so many local artists and lots of food. We headed to a local restaurant that has the best outdoor seating on the roof which unfortunately was closed yesterday so we sat out on the sidewalk patio instead. We had a couple beers and soaked up the sun and great conversation. After our relaxing morning we headed to the Fox River and rented some kayaks. I've decided I love it and hope to do more of it soon. We spent a few hour taking in the beautiful scenery and the last days of sunshine. After that we headed to her place for some light snacking and more talking. All in all I had a tremendous day enjoying my favorite season.


Peace&Love
-l

Time To Get Real

I've always been very honest and open with all of you here on the blog. I've written about my parents and the divorce and my relationships with each of them. I've written about my bad times like all my car troubles. I've gone in depth about ex boy and how much it hurt not to have him in my life. On the flip side I do write about good things and opportunities. I've thought long and hard about this decision in sharing something about me. A personal demon. I don't talk about it because I don't see it as a huge problem...right now. But I know exactly what it can do and I know it is a very real struggle for so many people. Alcoholism. The very word denotes a negative connotation. There is automatic judgment cast on those who deal with it. I've dealt firsthand with people who have addictions. To drugs. To alcohol. To work. And really the list could be comprised of anything we spend time obsessing over. Yes obsession is the key word.

You may think what does a 26 year old know about being an alcoholic. How could you possibly be that way so young? Well I'm not an alcoholic to make it all clear. But I can tell you the thoughts of having alcohol seem to be more prevelant to me than ever before. I can't say that my life is horrible or beyond stressful but at times it is and it's easier to take the edge off by drinking a glass of wine or a bottle of beer, than it is to destress with exercise or healthy eating. So where exactly do these thoughts come from? Why do I feel the need to just have a drink when I know it's not going to solve the problems. I think if I look deep down inside is my happiness. I'm not the same person I was last year. 2 years ago or even 5 years ago. There is nothing wrong with change. We all go through times or things that change us. I can't remember the last time I did something for me. Yes ME! I'm not selfish person and you can ask anyone that. I've always looked out for others and their well being before my own. But I'm slowly beginning to realize I'm the only one who can dictate what I do in life.  If I'm not happy with some aspect of it I can change it. Although sometimes it's not that easy. I used to be more social and really enjoyed doing things. I hate sitting at home alone doing nothing every weekend. However I do like being alone from time to time to recharge. What I've learned as an adult making friends is a lot harder and so is maintaining those relationships. There are some ladies from work I get along with but most are married or have children or live too far away. So that make sit that much harder to do things. I want to go and do all these fun events but I don't want to do them alone. There in lies my pathetic reason to not be happy. I could just as easily join different groups that are interesting to me, like rock climbing and meet friends that way. Or volunteer. You get the picture. But it's not just my happiness with life in general it's my heart and soul is missing something. Something more like someone that I gave so much of my time and life to and to have my best friend just not be there anymore is still very hard to get over. If you haven't guessed it by now ex boy is who I'm referring too. I'm not saying that he had led me to drink like I do but I know me not getting over him is pouring into all other areas of my life. It becomes a domino effect of I don't want to do this because I was going to do it with him or it reminds me of him. Or the simple fact what if he magically shows up on my doorstep and I'm not there. So yes I'm being pathetic in wasting my life waiting for him. I'm also making the choice to start an addiction because I can't seem to find any other way to make things a little less painful or stressful.

I'm not saying I'm an alcoholic but I am saying I do have issues and this big demon to face. If I don't find alternative ways to make life better I may be setting myself up for failure and a life that I know I'm better than.


Peace&Love
-l

Fall Food

If you don't know I'm a huge fan of fall. It's by far my favorite season. I like the cooler, crisp air. Where it's still warm enough to wear jeans and a sweater without being too hot. It's a great transitional season for fashion. I love the leaves changing colors and the smells of the season. From the burning leaves outside to the pumpkin or apple spiced candles. I'm also a huge football fan Green Bay Packers of course. With football season being in full swing it gets me excited for football parties and the delicious food and beers associated with the game and the season.

Now that I'm living on my own and have my own kitchen appliances to put to use I'm even more excited to start cooking more hearty foods, especially in my crockpot. It's been unusually cool around here for this time of year so today I'm making chili. I've made a few in the past and have tried different receipes, still looking for the right one. I found this on Pinterest from shugarysweets.com. It was really simple to make which I love and somewhat healthy. I used ground turkey instead and a variety of canned veggies to make this chili. It took me about 15 mins to prep and now it's on low and will simmer for the next 6 hrs.

Peace&Love
L

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait

Everyone knows that old adage. But sometimes you wait and wait and nothing happens. I also think that if you wait nothing will ever get done. You can't sit around and wait for someone else to do something for you or wait for life to do something for you. You have to make the choices in life to receive anything good. I don't like to complain about my life. I haven't had the easiest year thus far. It has been a lot about learning and finding myself. I had a car accident. I had to move again, alone. I lost some friends, which was more of a weight lifted off my shoulders than anything else. Boy and I were together than not and together than not. You know that general gist of that story and I'm not opening that can of worms up. I've struggle to find my place at work and where I fit. I've struggled with the idea of finding something else completely. I've put consideration in going back to school, if things didn't start turning around. There is still a lot of confusion going on in my life and I need some time to figure everything out. I had a few interviews for a higher up position at work and I'm not sure where I stand yet in that process. I can say all things considered, things went well, but I haven't heard anything yet. I'd like to move on with it and either have it or not, so I know what to start focusing on. The decisions haven't been easy because of where boy and I stand. Going back to my car accident...I had kind of forgotten I started a lawsuit. And my lawyer called and said I'd be getting a substantial amount of money back, which was unexpected, but I'm grateful for it. That's all that's been going on in my life as of late. I'm planning a mini trip for just myself soon. Details later.


Peace&Love
~L

On Turning 26

Today is my birthday and to me it doesn't feel like it is. I remember as child getting excited for the parties I would have with my current grade school buddies. The pizza eating. The slumber parties. The gossip and boy talk. There was always a family party too that was usually combined with everyone else's because we all were born in this month. As the years have gone on the celebrating has become less and less and the excitement for a birthday is all but gone. I'm not afraid of getting older. Age doesn't scare me. What scares me is not living life and enjoying the time I'm given. I like having a more relaxing laid back birthday as opposed to a big celebration. I've never been one to be the center of attention in fact I shy away from the spotlight. When I'm complimented or receive credit and praise I say thank you it wasn't a big deal seriously. As much as I'd like to celebrate big and lavishly, it's just fine with me to keep things low key.

So here is to another year. 26 I hope you are good to me and bring me adventures beyond what I could ever imagine.

Peace&Love
-l

My Wandering Thoughts

I know it's been awhile and needless to say that life wasn't terribly exciting during that absence. I need go to the state fair which is a big deal around these parts. You get to spend a hot day with thousands of strangers eating expensively strange things on a stick. It's never a dull atmosphere that's for sure. When the fair is over you can pretty much say summer is done too.

Last Thursday we had an end of summer work party at a local bar and said goodbye to our summer staff. As we once again prepare for the work overload of having no staff but somehow we always make it through.

I've picked up running again. I'm running on average 17-20 miles a week. Which for most people may seem like nothing. But I've got to rebuild the stamina. And I'm picking up more hours again from job 2 so I'm back to 12 hour days. But the running has been good and it's been great to see my slight improvements as the days go on.

Final thought today, I hate spiders! They creep me out beyond words but the place I live in seems to be infested with big, nasty ones. I'm not sure why they like it here so much as I keep it very clean and bright. But I've come faced to face a few times with some about the size of a quarter or slightly larger that I've had to get rid of on my own. Maybe that's a good thing. I'm finally learning to face my fears.

Peace&Love
-l

Trusting Your Gut

You have all heard the saying 'trust your gut'. Mainly because it's true. When you feel something is not right you are probably right about that. If you feel something is right it probably is. Sometimes life gets confusing and it's hard to trust our gut or know if the choice we are making is the right one. But trusting your gut goes beyond just making decisions in life. It's applicable to relationships.

Not too long ago I wrote about the boy. I said things felt off or different. It wasn't that I wanted to feel that way sometimes it's natural. I feel like I've written this same sad story more often than I should. I don't want people out there to judge me for the choices I made. Long story short him and I had broken up twice already. The first time was a more complicated reason than the second. The second time was because he wasn't happy with everything in his life including our relationship yet he couldn't seem to stay away. Maybe he was drawn back because he did miss me. Maybe he liked the complacency and comforts that our relationship brought. Maybe he never gave himself time to get over me. When we got back together this last time. He talked about how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. He wanted to move in and showed commitment. But yet there were all these inner demons he was harnessing from why we broke up the first time and previous relationships. Things going on his family life and he couldn't see or understand how someone could forgive and love him after all he has done. I told him that's what being in love is. But no matter what I said or how much I begged him to stay and simply understand that, nothing was going to change. I know he needs to make himself better and be happy whether that includes me or not. But he said he always knew it was me. That I was the one. That maybe somewhere down the road we will run into each other and it will be perfect. The timing will be right. He will be ok with himself. It will give us time to really miss each other. Not to mention we made a pact that if we were both still single at 30 we would marry each other. Ha! This doesn't bring me much comfort though. I know this is still all fresh and getting over someone takes more than a day. But I will always feels for him different than anyone else. He was my best friend/soulmate. Maybe it's in the cards for us but right now I don't want to think about the future I want to live for now and feel every hurt and remembering every good memory between us. He told me to call if I ever needed him and that he will always be around. So I know he cares but there is always that part of me that knows I won't fully stop loving him and that I will always hold out for him only for him to find someone else. But I have to be ok with whatever happens. I do want him to be in my life at some point. Maybe I'm believing in fate.

What I believe: and even if we never talk again I want you to know that I will never love anyone like I loved you and I am forever altered by who you are and what you meant to me.


I miss him so much and I hope God brings us together again.

Peace&love
-l