It is hard for me to think about where Im going in this life. I live life day to day and try not to think about what the future holds. This has been hard to do especially recently. Time to get a little graphic here...
About 6 months ago I started developing pain in my lower stomach/uterian area. I chalked it up to menstrual cramps and moved on with life. However, the pain started to get more severe and more frequent. This concerned me because growing up, I guess you could say I was blessed, but I never had bad cramps and my periods lasted for about 4 days and were done. Now I was looking at longer and heavier ones. My cramping was so bad days prior to having my period that I physically had a hard time doing anything. I went to my doctor immediately and she discussed my options. Which at the time, I was too scared to ask questions or push for tests, even knowing my family history of uterian cancer. She told me I could either go on a low dose birth control pill to help regulate everything and hopefully take away the pain or just take lots of pain meds prior to my period instead of taking the pill. I decided to at least try the pill. Now here I am 3 months later and probably in the most severe pain Ive been in my whole life. It has gotten to the point where I call in to work because otherwise I would be keeled over in gut wrenching pain. At points, I have to vomit because of that pain. I have no appetite or desire to put anything into my body. Whats worse is the pain comes suddenly and lasts for hours. Yesterday, the pain hit and it hit hard. Thoughts swirled in my head of all the potential things it could be. It made me mad at my doctor for thinking just a pill was going to help and when I called her awhile back to ask her what to do, she said to try at least another month. Here I am half a month into her request to finish out the month and I just dont think I can. I called my mom, who had her uterus removed because of a tumor and asked what she felt. Was I feeling that as well? My cousin had to at an early age remove hers because of cancer and had no chance of having children. Im 27, not married and have no children. I have been happy living this way, because Im not ready to have a child and I havent found the one to settle down with and make that happen. But the possible idea of not being able to create that miracle scares me to no end. I think about how Im too young. How its not fair I have to go through this. And most of it Im going through completely alone. The endless online searches to self diagnosis all the possibilities, when in fact I have no clue. I just have to take a step back and start over. Find a new doctor. Pray on it. Get all the proper tests and procedures. Pray on it. Not jump the gun on thinking it could be my death sentence or that my opportunity to have children has been taken away from me. I know how strong I am and how strong I can be. This is the ultimate test of bravery. Whatever the outcome is, good or bad, how will I react?
Peace&Love
-l
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