Realization

Somewhere between wanting to be free, young, wild and crazy and reconnecting with him and losing him all over again I lost some of myself trying to figure it all out. As if I needed answers to everything right away. I was holding on so desparately to something that was toxic to me. I wanted so badly to just be with someone. Someone who would take away the hurt, the sting of loneliness, but instead I was getting more hurt, confused, and lonely. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? Perhaps I was just blind by my own ignorance and love. But I was never getting the full truth and sometimes I would just brush things under the rug, because I didnt want to believe those things or that they werent big enough to face. I didnt realize it until recently, how much I was being used and walked all over. How much I never knew what was actually going on. Not once and probably more than twice, I was cheated/dumped on because I was too boring. I should have left the first time. I should never have let that continue, because it only got worse. But there I was crying nearly everyday because I never felt good enough, but I wanted him more than anything. Ladies, you should never have to put yourself through that emotional pain. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean they love you back the same or at all. I was used to that pain. I was comfortable with him. Afraid to let him go. He was my best friend and maybe that was the biggest reason I didnt want to lose him. He understood me like nobody else. But yet I wasnt worth it to him. He still wanted to go off and have relationships with other women and I guess loved them too. I get you can love multiple people in different ways at different levels, but how many can you truly love? Everytime we got back together I wanted to believe it would be different. But somehow I was the one who was not to be trusted. I was the one making the wrong choices. I was the one causing pain. When in fact, nothing about me had changed at all. I wanted, with every fiber of my being for us to work, for me to believe everything he said. But it was in those moments that fighting became exhausting. I still felt like I was being lied to. I still felt that if it wasnt in 6 months or a year, at some point I would be boring again and he would ultimately want someone else and love them too. I could never explain the pain he put me through to him. It is never what a woman wants to hear that your man wants to marry you, loves you and has always had good times with you, but then says he loved and had good times with a woman he was just recently involved with. How does that make you feel any different? How special are you at that point? Do I think about him all the time? Yes. Do I wish for things to have been different? Yes. Did I see a future with him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Will I always care about him? Yes. But its realizing that you have to protect yourself and be happy with yourself first. It is recovering from that. Picking up all the pieces and rebuilding yourself. I am a stronger, more independent, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted woman. But i realize I need and have to put myself first. To me, he was always worth my fight, my tears, my heartache. But Im not sure I was worth all that to him. It is in letting go of what no longer serves you that makes you better.

To the long road ahead...

Peace&love
-l