Trying to be Brave

It is hard for me to think about where Im going in this life. I live life day to day and try not to think about what the future holds. This has been hard to do especially recently. Time to get a little graphic here...

About 6 months ago I started developing pain in my lower stomach/uterian area. I chalked it up to menstrual cramps and moved on with life. However, the pain started to get more severe and more frequent. This concerned me because growing up, I guess you could say I was blessed, but I never had bad cramps and my periods lasted for about 4 days and were done. Now I was looking at longer and heavier ones. My cramping was so bad days prior to having my period that I physically had a hard time doing anything. I went to my doctor immediately and she discussed my options. Which at the time, I was too scared to ask questions or push for tests, even knowing my family history of uterian cancer. She told me I could either go on a low dose birth control pill to help regulate everything and hopefully take away the pain or just take lots of pain meds prior to my period instead of taking the pill. I decided to at least try the pill. Now here I am 3 months later and probably in the most severe pain Ive been in my whole life. It has gotten to the point where I call in to work because otherwise I would be keeled over in gut wrenching pain. At points, I have to vomit because of that pain. I have no appetite or desire to put anything into my body. Whats worse is the pain comes suddenly and lasts for hours. Yesterday, the pain hit and it hit hard. Thoughts swirled in my head of all the potential things it could be. It made me mad at my doctor for thinking just a pill was going to help and when I called her awhile back to ask her what to do, she said to try at least another month. Here I am half a month into her request to finish out the month and I just dont think I can. I called my mom, who had her uterus removed because of a tumor and asked what she felt. Was I feeling that as well? My cousin had to at an early age remove hers because of cancer and had no chance of having children. Im 27, not married and have no children. I have been happy living this way, because Im not ready to have a child and I havent found the one to settle down with and make that happen. But the possible idea of not being able to create that miracle scares me to no end. I think about how Im too young. How its not fair I have to go through this. And most of it Im going through completely alone. The endless online searches to self diagnosis all the possibilities, when in fact I have no clue. I just have to take a step back and start over. Find a new doctor. Pray on it. Get all the proper tests and procedures. Pray on it. Not jump the gun on thinking it could be my death sentence or that my opportunity to have children has been taken away from me. I know how strong I am and how strong I can be. This is the ultimate test of bravery. Whatever the outcome is, good or bad, how will I react?

Peace&Love
-l

Realization

Somewhere between wanting to be free, young, wild and crazy and reconnecting with him and losing him all over again I lost some of myself trying to figure it all out. As if I needed answers to everything right away. I was holding on so desparately to something that was toxic to me. I wanted so badly to just be with someone. Someone who would take away the hurt, the sting of loneliness, but instead I was getting more hurt, confused, and lonely. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? Perhaps I was just blind by my own ignorance and love. But I was never getting the full truth and sometimes I would just brush things under the rug, because I didnt want to believe those things or that they werent big enough to face. I didnt realize it until recently, how much I was being used and walked all over. How much I never knew what was actually going on. Not once and probably more than twice, I was cheated/dumped on because I was too boring. I should have left the first time. I should never have let that continue, because it only got worse. But there I was crying nearly everyday because I never felt good enough, but I wanted him more than anything. Ladies, you should never have to put yourself through that emotional pain. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean they love you back the same or at all. I was used to that pain. I was comfortable with him. Afraid to let him go. He was my best friend and maybe that was the biggest reason I didnt want to lose him. He understood me like nobody else. But yet I wasnt worth it to him. He still wanted to go off and have relationships with other women and I guess loved them too. I get you can love multiple people in different ways at different levels, but how many can you truly love? Everytime we got back together I wanted to believe it would be different. But somehow I was the one who was not to be trusted. I was the one making the wrong choices. I was the one causing pain. When in fact, nothing about me had changed at all. I wanted, with every fiber of my being for us to work, for me to believe everything he said. But it was in those moments that fighting became exhausting. I still felt like I was being lied to. I still felt that if it wasnt in 6 months or a year, at some point I would be boring again and he would ultimately want someone else and love them too. I could never explain the pain he put me through to him. It is never what a woman wants to hear that your man wants to marry you, loves you and has always had good times with you, but then says he loved and had good times with a woman he was just recently involved with. How does that make you feel any different? How special are you at that point? Do I think about him all the time? Yes. Do I wish for things to have been different? Yes. Did I see a future with him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Will I always care about him? Yes. But its realizing that you have to protect yourself and be happy with yourself first. It is recovering from that. Picking up all the pieces and rebuilding yourself. I am a stronger, more independent, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted woman. But i realize I need and have to put myself first. To me, he was always worth my fight, my tears, my heartache. But Im not sure I was worth all that to him. It is in letting go of what no longer serves you that makes you better.

To the long road ahead...

Peace&love
-l

Taking Stock January Edition

Making: goals and dreams happen
Cooking: healthy foods
Drinking: warm drinks
Reading: whatever I can when I have time
Wanting: a few more days off of work
Looking: for ways to save money
Playing: Dots
Remembering: what 2015 taught me
Trying: new workouts
Watching: Making A Murderer
Deciding: on a small weekend trip with the girls
Wishing: I could smell again
Planning: on fun winter activities this month
Enjoying: my last day of freedom before work consumes my life
Waiting: for this week to pass
Liking: any lotion that I can put on my body
Needing: a giant cup of tea
Wearing: flannel jammies
Noticing: the days are getting longer
Smelling: see wishing above
Buying: clothes
Craving: someone to cuddle with

Peace &Love
-l

On 2016

This year I hope will be just as fun and wild as last year. I hope I find myself smiling a lot more and enjoying every single day. My objective this year is to let go and live more simply. I want to let go of things and people that no longer have a purpose in my life. I cant keep holding onto things that are weighing me down. There are people who are meant to be in my life and there are some who are not. I want to rid myself of all that is bad. Im done living a life that makes me cry, feel hurt or upset or mad. Im ready to let go of it all. Im ready to live in the moment and live simply. Clearing out the clutter. Getting rid of whatever I no longer have a use for. Being more realistic not materialistic. Im working on seeing the positive in every single day. Im trying not to let the bad days get to me or stress me out. 2016 is a year for more growth and change. Cheers to it!

Peace&Love
-l

Embarking on a New Year

Just like everybody else Im reflecting on what 2015 brought me and what 2016 will bring. Last year was one of the best years I have had in recent memory. There were difficult times and times of confusion and hurt, but most of my year was spent doing exactly what I had wanted which was taking more risks. I didnt set lofty or unrealistic goals that I knew I would never achieve. I picked a word and based my year on that. Through this, I was able to cross things off my bucket list that I otherwise wouldnt have done. Yes, I did pick things to do like writing in a journal everyday, which held steadily for the first 3 months, but then ceased to exist by August. This year I plan to cross 5 more items off the list, which is what I did last year. 2015 went a little something like this:

JAN- ex boy moved into my apt, which from prior posts you know that was good and bad and confusing all at the same time.

FEB- ex boy continues to live with me. Valentines was spent with a great group of people being fully aware of our single status.

MAR- needless to say not much happened here other than countless fights with ex boy and the apt was basically falling apart.

APR- the weather was finally getting warmer and the boy continues to live with me. Went on a trip to Boston to visit my sister and enjoy some hockey games.

MAY- gave up living alone and moved in with a friend which has helped my finances tremendously. Went to my one and only Brewers game of the year.

JUNE- the days get longer, the nights get shorter. My life became rather busy and full. I celebrated my grandpas 90th birthday and had a mini family reunion. Celebrated fathers day and my dads birthday. Went to a friends baby shower. Met a new guy, which didnt last, but that taught me a lot. Went on my first motorcycle ride. Loved it.

JULY- my fav holiday, Independance day was celebrated with parades, fireworks, drinking, sparklers and more drinking. Kayaking and lots of day drinking through the month. Went to the Waukesha County fair and dont remember most of it. My dad and I went to the MKE air show. I also saw Carrie Underwood at summerfest.

AUG- I celebrated my birthday. I celebrated a wedding of a dear friend from highschool and learned the meaning of being alone or rather dateless. Went up north for a weekend and lived the simple life. Boating. Drinking. Being off the grid at times. And preseason Packer gaming.

SEPT- enjoyed some days off. Celebrated a friends kids birthday and the start to Packer season. I got my first tattoo.

OCT- celebrated another friends wedding and ended up getting really sick. Enjoyed summer like weather for a majority of the month. Went to Portland and Seattle and fell in love with the place. Met up with ex boy and tried to work things out.

NOV- ate lots of food for Thanksgiving. Had our first Friendsgiving with important people in my life.

DEC- enjoyed ice skating, Christmas Carol performance and the holidays with my family. Attended some Christmas parties for work. And finally got our first crazy snowstorm of the year.

All in all I checked things off my list, learned to take risks and try new things, which has definitely made me more confident and ready for 2016. Which I will post about later.

Peace&Love
-l