Carrying The Weight

It's been a LONG time since I've had a solid good cry. Not too long ago it felt like a daily occurrence. I'm glad that it isn't anymore. But today, just now I broke down. I'm not even sure where it all came from. Having recently turned 27, reality has set in. I was ok with turning 27. I was the happiest I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, tomorrow I will wake up and things will go back to normal. I suppose every once in awhile a person just needs to cry out the bad things. I've kept a lot of emotions and things inside over the past few months as well. I haven't fully faced my demons.

What am I dealing with?

This dead end job I'm in. The constant pressure to be something I'm not when I'm there. To show that I'm passionate for something I'm clearly not interested in. The amount of times I have come this close to putting my keys on the desk and walking out is becoming too many to count. I have applied for at least 3-4 jobs a week for the past 2 months and have had no bites and I'm beginning to doubt myself in every sort of way. I have no experience in anything else other than my current career choice and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go to a job that I'm absolutely in love with and that doesn't feel like work.

Being single. Don't get me wrong, I've needed this for awhile. You all know my ups and downs with the ex boy. He was my life and everything. But fighting for him was exhausting and wore me down. He was this drug to me. He was completely hard to give up. There are still days that I think about him and wonder if we did things differently if we could have ended up in a different situation. I've really enjoyed being able to be on my own and find myself again. I don't feel like I need to answer to anybody. But honestly, having someone to share your day with and kiss your wounds and hold your head up is really great to have. I also thought that at this point in my life, I would be married, or at least headed that direction. I also see 30 not too far off in the distance and I just being to question every choice I have made regarding relationships in the past. I think about any guy I've just hung out with or dated and how come it didn't work. Was it me? Was it something I did or didn't do? Where did I go wrong? Typically, guys just stop talking to me without so much as a "hey you seem cool and all but I just don't feel a connection or I'm not interested." Is that really too much to ask? I don't need this long drawn out explanation, but a simple I don't want to hang would be nice. Do I really scare men away? How do they suck me in with their sweet talking, good looks, romantic gestures and then leave me by the wayside after a few weeks/months/years? Does that make me gullible? I certainly feel used and that I've wasted way too much time in relationships that were clearly going nowhere. Can any guy out there tell me why you just don't respond? Are you afraid of offending me? Am I really that boring? Am I really that uncool? I'm trying to understand and see it from a guys perspective. I don't play hard to get. If I like you, you will know. Maybe for some it's too much too soon. I'm also excessively trusting of people when I first meet them. Maybe that's a flaw of mine. But as I've been continuously let down or blown off, I've been building this ever higher brick wall around me that will take someone a long time to take down. I digress... I'm not even seriously looking for anyone to be with. It doesn't seem to matter what route I take...online, through friends, at a bar, etc. Nothing works. I know people say you don't go looking for love, because then you are forcing it, you let it find you. When it comes you will just know. I had that once though and maybe nothing will ever be as good as that was.

My own place. My own home. A place to call mine. I can't say I'm desperate for a house. I'm not even 100% sure this is where I want to live/stay. All my friends are here and bits of my family, but I feel if I buy a house I'm tying myself down and thats it. I love living with my friend in her house, but it is still her house. I don't want to stay too long. I want to have every bit of independence I possibly can. I appreciate her letting me live with her. But at times it feels too much. I want to be on my own, doing my own thing. I've had such a blast living life with her this summer and I don't regret any of it. I've met some amazing people and some not so amazing people who have ripped my soul out. But you guys, I'm a gypsy soul. A free spirit. I don't last too long in one place. This heart of mine is wild and it beckons to be out and about in the world. I could spend every last penny and every last breath travelling the world and I would be happy.

Sorry for the sadness dump. But I just needed to get things off my chest!

Peace&Love
~L