Trusting Your Gut

You have all heard the saying 'trust your gut'. Mainly because it's true. When you feel something is not right you are probably right about that. If you feel something is right it probably is. Sometimes life gets confusing and it's hard to trust our gut or know if the choice we are making is the right one. But trusting your gut goes beyond just making decisions in life. It's applicable to relationships.

Not too long ago I wrote about the boy. I said things felt off or different. It wasn't that I wanted to feel that way sometimes it's natural. I feel like I've written this same sad story more often than I should. I don't want people out there to judge me for the choices I made. Long story short him and I had broken up twice already. The first time was a more complicated reason than the second. The second time was because he wasn't happy with everything in his life including our relationship yet he couldn't seem to stay away. Maybe he was drawn back because he did miss me. Maybe he liked the complacency and comforts that our relationship brought. Maybe he never gave himself time to get over me. When we got back together this last time. He talked about how much he loved me and how much he wanted to marry me. He wanted to move in and showed commitment. But yet there were all these inner demons he was harnessing from why we broke up the first time and previous relationships. Things going on his family life and he couldn't see or understand how someone could forgive and love him after all he has done. I told him that's what being in love is. But no matter what I said or how much I begged him to stay and simply understand that, nothing was going to change. I know he needs to make himself better and be happy whether that includes me or not. But he said he always knew it was me. That I was the one. That maybe somewhere down the road we will run into each other and it will be perfect. The timing will be right. He will be ok with himself. It will give us time to really miss each other. Not to mention we made a pact that if we were both still single at 30 we would marry each other. Ha! This doesn't bring me much comfort though. I know this is still all fresh and getting over someone takes more than a day. But I will always feels for him different than anyone else. He was my best friend/soulmate. Maybe it's in the cards for us but right now I don't want to think about the future I want to live for now and feel every hurt and remembering every good memory between us. He told me to call if I ever needed him and that he will always be around. So I know he cares but there is always that part of me that knows I won't fully stop loving him and that I will always hold out for him only for him to find someone else. But I have to be ok with whatever happens. I do want him to be in my life at some point. Maybe I'm believing in fate.

What I believe: and even if we never talk again I want you to know that I will never love anyone like I loved you and I am forever altered by who you are and what you meant to me.


I miss him so much and I hope God brings us together again.

Peace&love
-l

Summer is Here!!!

It's finally summer here in the good ole Midwest. Unfortunately, not for long. Today is the first day we have topped 90 all year! Although, up here in Wisconsin we don't typically see 90 very often. Maybe for a few days during the summer and that's it. Around here we've had a rather cool summer, barely even reaching 80. I can't really complain about that. I hate days when its that hot out. I prefer to have temps in the 70's.


Other than the weather not much new or exciting is happening in my life. I guess that is a good thing. I've been busy enjoying the weather and having another baby shower. I feel like babies are popping up everywhere. Work is going to start picking up here again and its going to be really stressful. That is all for now. Hopefully soon I will have some great exciting things to share with you all.


Peace&Love
~L

Progress

If you have been reading my blog from the beginning you know my live/hate relationship with exercise. Most of the time I love it because I'm sort of a health nut. I'm cautious about what I put in my body and want to keep it as young as possible by exercise. Recently I've been in a rut. After staying at someone else place in between moves for nearly a month I maybe ran once. When I moved into my now place, initially it was hard to get moving again. Baby steps.

I've never been an avid runner mainly because I find running boring at times and also because it hurts. I used to run a lot more often and actually did fall in love with it but it's been hard to get out and do it. I'm not entirely sure why. A couple of years ago I bought the Insanity workout program and lived it. I did it with a friend the first time through. It was great to have someone hold you accountable. I lost a lot of weight after the first go round. Then a few months later I decided to do it again. And still saw results. Neither time did I follow their food program. I just chose the right foods to eat. I also never really had a sweet tooth and therefore sugary foods were never a temptation for me. Luckily, they still aren't. After struggling a few months ago to find a program that I loved I decided to give T25 a shot. I knew working 12 hour days M-F I needed something short but still felt like work. I started it about a month ago and haven't seen tremendous results. I feel more energy but that's about it. I also push myself through the whole workout. Maybe it's because I've done insanity multiple times my body has reached it's plateau or I need to keep pushing through the next couple of weeks to see results. Perhaps it's also the way I'm eating. I'm not eating horribly but it hasn't always been the best. That is something I need to work on. Baby steps.


Peace&Love
-l

I Feel All Alone

Yes I'm having a pity party for myself. I shouldn't. There is no reason to at all. I just am in one of those moods. I have an instagram account and who these days doesn't? I follow some family and friends and I guess you could say I'm envious of their lives. I feel like these people have the best lives. They are hanging out with their friends from highschool and college and I don't even know that I have friends. I've always been cautious about who I let in my life because I have this trust issue. I feel like I've turned away from a lot of my friends from college because I don't want people to judge me for the person I've become. They are all very religious and I find that great and amazing, but I have slowly walked away from practicing religion and moved more to I accept what other people believe. I believe in God and what he has done for me, but I no longer attend church. I've had many a discussion with a girl from one of my jobs who is a devout Christian, think Duggar family. It's not that I don't care or don't believe, because I do, I've just become more worldly. I'm not sure that is necessarily better. I know that was a long tangent that almost has nothing to do with me being lonely, but their is a connection, because it wasn't too long ago I was very serious about my faith and practicing and these people, these friends were the core and the encouragement I needed to keep going. I've pushed a lot of people away and I'm not proud of that fact.


I do also realize that people get older and change. Most of my friends are married and have children or don't even live in the state, making it very difficult to maintain relationships. I haven't really stayed in contact with anyone via email or text, mainly because I don't know what any of their phone numbers are. I've pushed my best friend from high school away because I knew how avid a Christian she was and I didn't want her to scare away the boy at the time. Maybe you could say I was living a double life. I told him that I didn't really go to church anymore, which was true and that I still had beliefs, he however didn't, and maybe I was so sucked in to him and wanting to be with him that I changed that huge part of my life. Now realizing how lonely I am, I find myself turning to the person who I abandoned above all others, God. I knew deep down inside I still carried some sort of faith. But that hasn't been put into practice recently. In the past few weeks, I've realized how much I want God to be a main focus in my life again. Whether boy approves or accepts of that is on him. I would love for him to practice and try going to a church with me. But I know that's a long shot, since he never grew up in any sort of religion. I feel like I wouldn't feel so lonely if I brought God back into my life. I know right now, its going to be predominately prayer and the power of the Holy Spirit.


Wow this has really gotten off topic, but my point here is maybe reconnecting with God will help be reconnect with some of the friends I lost along the way. I don't want to just sit and waste my life away alone and bored. I know I have to be willing to put myself out there and be willing to meet new people who share similar interests as me.


I'm done having a pity party now.


Peace&Love
~l

Feelings of Jealousy

I admit that I feel this way. I don't like to say that I'm jealous of people because I like supporting and being happy for people. I shouldn't feel jealous at all but I do. A few months ago I was promoted at work. I became health and safety coordinator. One step lower than assistant director. Basically, I am third in command. More responsibility has been delegated on me and I also am opening manager. However, I have felt that this responsibility is shifting and being given to preggers. I love her as a friend and I get her being 8 months pregnant it's hard to do much anymore other than mainly sitting in the office doing that kind of work. Our director and assistant director have been off a lot recently so they like having the extra help when the other one isn't around. All of this is fine and dandy but I feel as though being third in command I should be the one pulled out of the room to get to do this stuff. Next week our director is gone for a conference leaving just the AD and I know preggers will be her second in command all week. Especially on Monday when both of them are out of the building I should have been designated the task of being in charge but instead preggers is and I don't find that to be fair. Again I understand she is limited because of her pregnancy but then don't tell me im going to be in charge and then take that away. I know it shouldn't be something I get upset about but she is getting trained to do all of this stuff that I thought I'd be learning and start getting trained in. I don't know what to do or if I should say how I feel about the situation because I already know what the answer will be. She's pregnant. She can't do much else. It's almost like she is part of the club and in with the higher ups by simply being pregnant. Would things be this way if she wasn't? I guess I can't think like that. I suppose this gives me more reason to find a better job.

Peace&love
L

I've Been Gone For Too Long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything. As you know I left on my last post on a down note. Things weren't going so well for me. I can't say things have gotten worse but things aren't totally making me happy. Let me try to catch you up to speed as to where I am right now. (Excuse me if things are not typed correctly I'm using my phone. I am currently without internet so it becomes more of a hassle to go elsewhere to get internet.) everything that happened with my living situation luckily to care of itself quickly. I looked at a few places in my price range and settled on a small one bedroom not too far from where I work and easy access to everything. I wasn't able to move in until the middle of May but was fortunate a friend from work and her husband took me in for 3 weeks. That was a fun time with them and I appreciate getting to spend more time with her. More on her later in the post. I had help from my dad and ex boy moving me in and reality set in... I was living alone. For the first time ever in my life. I was severely independent from a young age and that hasn't changed. I had always wanted to live alone but could never afford to. I didn't think I could this time either but watching my finances has helped. Ex boy has gone through a lot of personal/emotional issues as of late wanting to get back together and then not. We are currently together and I'm happy to a degree. He for awhile was happy to be together and wanted to marry me. Up until last week things seemed to be going well. However, he has seemed really distant and seems to be doing the opposite of what I loved about him. I'm trying to change in order to make it work but he seems so set in his ways nothing will change him. I just have to be careful and guarded. I do love him and always will but right now something seems to be missing and that is lack of communication on his end. Trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth. Above all I want to be happy. I am happy when I am with him and look forward to our time together but lately he is making me question everything and maybe it's time to move on. Let him find himself first.

That's pretty much the big news in my life this far most everything else has been small details. Becky as mentioned above is super pregnant and will be having a boy in August. We had a surprise baby shower for her which she almost ruined. I reconnected with my best friend from highschool and hopefully we can start doing more together. My grandparents celebrated 65 years of marriage and we had a wonderful weekend celebration for them. I've done lots of beach time and weekend relaxing but right now I'm needing a week long vacation away from this state. Whether it's me a lone or with a friend or with boy. I also hope to start keeping up with this blog. It's a great release for me.


Peace&love
L