An Emotional Week

There was so much that I wanted to fill you in on and talk to you all about, but this past week killed me in every possible way. It started off if you will last Sunday, boy and I had done some shopping for his Christmas party and things were and have been going great for us the past couple of months. Taking things slow and remembering why we fell in love with each other has been working. I said my good-byes to him on Sunday night and was preparing for what I thought would be an average work week. However, it was far from it. The lack of children in our room and the overstaffing and the loss of our A.D. really started to take its toll on me. Why me specifically? Because it directly effected me. Since our class was low, I had to be pulled out or sent home early. Instead of pulling someone else or having someone else come in later. But then anytime I try to talk to them, it becomes well it is the unfortunate disadvantage of working the earliest shift. Bullshit it is. So my hours being cut started this whole thing. Then the lack of hearing basically nothing from boy for a few days or seeing him, for no apparent reason, started me questioning everything. I was thinking...is he talking to another girl again? Is he really busy? Did I say/do something wrong? Why isn't he helping or supporting me during this emotional rollercoaster instead of bashing me and giving me tough love? That frustration continued to be bottled up. The drama at work only magnified. This girl was about to reach the breaking point. Then after talking to him for about 3 minutes last Wednesday and him basically telling me to grow up I hit that point. The one person I was relying on the most for support and understanding was him. So I cried and cried and cried. Then I decided at 830 at night after crying for an hour or so straight that driving would be a cure. It helped a little. I cried again Thursday at random intervals. I just wasn't happy. I had every right not to be happy. Thursday was a long day working from 6am-730pm. My other job had a Thanksgiving feast we all had to help and serve at. After we went out for a few drinks. I felt like this would help me, but it really didn't. On Friday, I was just so frustrated with the children that I needed to step away a few times just to catch my cool. I've decided my brain and my body are telling me its really time. Its time for a change in my aspects of my life. But I'm not going to get crazy and change everything at once. This will all take time. That night we had a surprise party for our A.D. whose official last day is this Tuesday. Lets just say even though I had no intentions of staying past 9 and getting drunk...both of those things happened. I unfortunately had to call boy to have him come pick me up and since we weren't really on our normal good speaking terms, things felt a little awkward. Yesterday was recovery day...still did some crying unfortunately. (Lets hope that I have nothing left to cry out.) I was anticipating at least seeing boy for a couple of hours last night since he worked all day, and he said he was too tired to. That's when I addressed the issues stated above...did I do something? Is there another girl? Etc. I don't know how well he assured me that everything was fine other than to call me crazy. Which at this point, I actually just might be. I didn't get to see boy again today. Although, his mom is having a dinner tonight, which he invited me to, but he is currently still working, so I'm guessing I won't be getting to see him tonight. I understand that he is busy and works, but if I am a priority like he says I am, he should be able to make time for me. I miss him deeply and I fear I miss him far worse than he misses me. I know as the holidays draw closer I will see him less and less no thanks to his stupid part time job in retail. I'm hoping this week will be less emotional than last...but I have a feeling I'm in for another long, crazy week. If I could just get one thing right now it would be a long and tight hug from boy just to remind me things will be just fine.


Peace&Love
~L