This summer has been everything I have wanted. In some ways I didnt feel like I had much of a summer with all my weekends being booked with weddings, birthdays, and baby showers. It flew by and I look back on the past couple of months and wonder if it all really happened. In smapshots, here is what Ive done this summer...
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Summer in Pictures
Saturday, September 12, 2015
Dear You
I have contemplated this for months. Since the last time I saw you. The last time we had a real conversation. I've replayed it all in my head, still trying to understand what I did wrong. Every time I put pen to paper, I break down emotionally. People say time heals all wounds, but I don't agree. I think time just makes it more manageable. It allows every hurt you feel to dig deeper into your soul and you truly are never the same again.
What feels like ages ago, I met you. You were the best thing to come into my life. You were this breath of fresh air. This person that lit a fire within me. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You made me someone else. But I fell for you and I fell hard. You had this way about you that I will never be able to describe. You made me feel safe and comfortable. You were my best friend. I trusted you.
Then things began to change and every question I had and every doubt I had about us was correct. My life changed in an instant. In one simple night we were not the same. I fought for you. I forgave you. But yet it wasn't enough. I respected you and the time you needed. But months later, you walked back into my life like a roaring fire. It seemed as if we never skipped a beat. But there it was months later, something was off. You took on another job and I began to see you less and less. I thought I was the crazy one, telling you not to do it. Demanding to see you. To spend time with you. Begging you to stick around. We were 2 people on 2 different paths. Seeing this thing in 2 completely different ways. I thought things were beginning to turn around and we were beginning to work on us. You didn't. Eventually, the inevitable came again. But yet you kept coming back. You kept me hoping. You kept me clinging on to some ridiculous idea that we would ever get back together. You toyed with my emotions. Over and over again we were in each others lives and just as quickly out of them. It was the endless carousel ride. I wish you could see and understand what you put me through last year. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. I kept hoping you would stop by and say hello, or that I'd run into you at the store. That maybe we could figure it all out. But maybe I was just being naive waiting for something that wasn't ever going to happen. There were times I felt that glimmer of hope only to be snuffed out. What was it going to take? What did I need to do?
You moved in. Everything changed. Nothing was easy. Everything was confusing. I was scared. Confused. Upset. Surprised. Happy. Every emotion you could think of. It was everything that I had wanted for the past 2.5 years, but it wasn't the way I had envisioned it to happen. I wanted it to be when we were at a good place in our relationship, not because you were just exiting one with someone else. I told you that I wanted to be with you countless times over. I told you I love you. I meant it with all that I had. But everything was off. I was just beginning to understand myself again. I was beginning to live life without you. I was sure 'us' was never going to happen again. I needed to start moving on as you would like to say. I was peeling away all my layers. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. Misguided. You were this drug to me. I wanted you more than anything else. Maybe that was wrong. I gave up so much of myself and lost myself in you. Whenever you weren't there I drowned my sorrows in my own self pity and that is no way to live. Whenever you came around, I didn't want you to leave, fearing that you would just never show up again. It was selfish of me to think that way. You clearly wanted to live your life. I should have let you. I don't regret fighting for you or trying to make things work. I would do it all over again a thousand times if I had to.
When we lived together for the first 5 months of this year, I felt a lot of things. I know you did too. I know you wanted me to tell you I love you. I couldn't. I hope you understand why. I was afraid that if I did, and we started to get close again, that you would leave me all over again. And honestly, I don't think I would have been able to handle that again. Yes, I admit, I pushed you away. In some way I wanted you to feel what I felt and the hurt you put me through. I'm not a malicious person and I hope you know that about me. I was afraid that you would start tearing down those walls I started to build and you would find a way to hurt me again. But I keep looking back to those months together in that tiny apartment. I feel like we fought more than we should have, but we stuck through it. We found ways to get over the shit. I don't think either of us were in a good place to forgive each other for EVERYTHING! I believe we were both going through transitions in our lives and looking for answers to it all. I honestly needed time to think. I needed time to be single and alone. You were always the one saying I needed to find someone else or move on or get over us. That was one thing I never could do. A part of me is and will always be yours. You are still in my mind and heart. Pieces of you are left all around.
Then one day you just stopped talking to me. I'm still not sure what I did. How I hurt you or offended you. I may not even be entitled to those answers. Do you know how people say there is that one thing you have done that forever changes the outcome of your life? Or if you would have done one thing differently how drastically different your life would be? Sometimes I wish I could have that with you. Just to go back to the beginning of it all and change it just a bit, so we wouldn't end up here. You and I will always be unfinished business. You know I don't blame you for anything that has happened and I never have. I know at times you think I should and maybe you are right. But it takes two people to make it work. Yeah, I felt like I was fighting harder than you and loved you more at times, but that wasn't always the case. We are both at fault for everything. I never meant to push you away or make you feel that I didn't care or love you. We both changed and we both needed to grow. We were right for each other and wrong for each other. I have always known you were meant for me. I don't know where this life will lead either of us, but I believe our paths will cross again someday. I hope that I find you happy in whatever you are doing. I hope you are living your life to the fullest. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I'm sorry for whatever it is that made you stop talking to me. I'm sorry that I needed some space and time to grow and understand myself as a person. And maybe someday soon we will both be in better places in our lives and much gentler creatures. For what it is worth, you have and always will be my person.
Always and Forever,
L
What feels like ages ago, I met you. You were the best thing to come into my life. You were this breath of fresh air. This person that lit a fire within me. You made me laugh. You made me cry. You made me someone else. But I fell for you and I fell hard. You had this way about you that I will never be able to describe. You made me feel safe and comfortable. You were my best friend. I trusted you.
Then things began to change and every question I had and every doubt I had about us was correct. My life changed in an instant. In one simple night we were not the same. I fought for you. I forgave you. But yet it wasn't enough. I respected you and the time you needed. But months later, you walked back into my life like a roaring fire. It seemed as if we never skipped a beat. But there it was months later, something was off. You took on another job and I began to see you less and less. I thought I was the crazy one, telling you not to do it. Demanding to see you. To spend time with you. Begging you to stick around. We were 2 people on 2 different paths. Seeing this thing in 2 completely different ways. I thought things were beginning to turn around and we were beginning to work on us. You didn't. Eventually, the inevitable came again. But yet you kept coming back. You kept me hoping. You kept me clinging on to some ridiculous idea that we would ever get back together. You toyed with my emotions. Over and over again we were in each others lives and just as quickly out of them. It was the endless carousel ride. I wish you could see and understand what you put me through last year. I wanted to hate you, but I couldn't. I kept hoping you would stop by and say hello, or that I'd run into you at the store. That maybe we could figure it all out. But maybe I was just being naive waiting for something that wasn't ever going to happen. There were times I felt that glimmer of hope only to be snuffed out. What was it going to take? What did I need to do?
You moved in. Everything changed. Nothing was easy. Everything was confusing. I was scared. Confused. Upset. Surprised. Happy. Every emotion you could think of. It was everything that I had wanted for the past 2.5 years, but it wasn't the way I had envisioned it to happen. I wanted it to be when we were at a good place in our relationship, not because you were just exiting one with someone else. I told you that I wanted to be with you countless times over. I told you I love you. I meant it with all that I had. But everything was off. I was just beginning to understand myself again. I was beginning to live life without you. I was sure 'us' was never going to happen again. I needed to start moving on as you would like to say. I was peeling away all my layers. Hurt. Confusion. Anger. Misguided. You were this drug to me. I wanted you more than anything else. Maybe that was wrong. I gave up so much of myself and lost myself in you. Whenever you weren't there I drowned my sorrows in my own self pity and that is no way to live. Whenever you came around, I didn't want you to leave, fearing that you would just never show up again. It was selfish of me to think that way. You clearly wanted to live your life. I should have let you. I don't regret fighting for you or trying to make things work. I would do it all over again a thousand times if I had to.
When we lived together for the first 5 months of this year, I felt a lot of things. I know you did too. I know you wanted me to tell you I love you. I couldn't. I hope you understand why. I was afraid that if I did, and we started to get close again, that you would leave me all over again. And honestly, I don't think I would have been able to handle that again. Yes, I admit, I pushed you away. In some way I wanted you to feel what I felt and the hurt you put me through. I'm not a malicious person and I hope you know that about me. I was afraid that you would start tearing down those walls I started to build and you would find a way to hurt me again. But I keep looking back to those months together in that tiny apartment. I feel like we fought more than we should have, but we stuck through it. We found ways to get over the shit. I don't think either of us were in a good place to forgive each other for EVERYTHING! I believe we were both going through transitions in our lives and looking for answers to it all. I honestly needed time to think. I needed time to be single and alone. You were always the one saying I needed to find someone else or move on or get over us. That was one thing I never could do. A part of me is and will always be yours. You are still in my mind and heart. Pieces of you are left all around.
Then one day you just stopped talking to me. I'm still not sure what I did. How I hurt you or offended you. I may not even be entitled to those answers. Do you know how people say there is that one thing you have done that forever changes the outcome of your life? Or if you would have done one thing differently how drastically different your life would be? Sometimes I wish I could have that with you. Just to go back to the beginning of it all and change it just a bit, so we wouldn't end up here. You and I will always be unfinished business. You know I don't blame you for anything that has happened and I never have. I know at times you think I should and maybe you are right. But it takes two people to make it work. Yeah, I felt like I was fighting harder than you and loved you more at times, but that wasn't always the case. We are both at fault for everything. I never meant to push you away or make you feel that I didn't care or love you. We both changed and we both needed to grow. We were right for each other and wrong for each other. I have always known you were meant for me. I don't know where this life will lead either of us, but I believe our paths will cross again someday. I hope that I find you happy in whatever you are doing. I hope you are living your life to the fullest. I'm sorry for not saying goodbye. I'm sorry for whatever it is that made you stop talking to me. I'm sorry that I needed some space and time to grow and understand myself as a person. And maybe someday soon we will both be in better places in our lives and much gentler creatures. For what it is worth, you have and always will be my person.
Always and Forever,
L
Cross off #164
Yes I got a tattoo! I've been wanting one for awhile and just haven't had the courage to go in and do it. I actually want a few tattoos, but this is one I've been wanting. I know it is blurry, but it says, "vivre sans regrets" which means live without regrets. This is my life motto. For me this year has been about taking risks and this was another risk that I'm so glad I took. What a great reminder on a daily basis to see that and remember to live each day to the fullest and not care about what has happened in the past. Our choices and decisions make us who we are today and we can't live thinking those choices were the wrong ones.
I got this tattoo on my rib cage, which I had heard was one of the more painful spots to get one, but honestly, only a few times while the guy was tattooing did I feel some pain. I also wouldn't call it pain, it was more of a pinch or a prick of the skin. But it was NOT at all what I thought it would be and I do believe that gives me more confidence for whenever I get my next one.
Vivre sans regrets friends!
Peace&Love
~l
Sunday, September 6, 2015
#2 Off my List
Unfortunately, I have no pictures to document this. Yesterday, my roommate and I decided to go rent some paddleboards and go stand up paddle boarding. We went on a local lake, which was nice and calm. (No pictures, because its hard to carry a phone while on said device, not to mention the chance of falling in.) Luckily, I didn't fall in. I had good balance the entire time. It was a little tricky standing up but I've got some strong legs and a solid core. Kelly, however did fall in once and decided at that point she hated it. I didn't mind the experience, but I would prefer kayaking over paddleboarding.
We also spent the later half of the day riding motorcycles with one of her guy friends, and his friends. Right now there is bike week going on in MKE and there are bikes EVERYWHERE! We went to a few local Harley places and checked out the scene. It was quite interesting and definitely great for people watching. I really enjoyed listening to all the bands and dancing with the Harley riders from across the country.
Not what I originally had planned for Labor Day weekend, but hey it's been fun so far!
Peace&Love
~l
We also spent the later half of the day riding motorcycles with one of her guy friends, and his friends. Right now there is bike week going on in MKE and there are bikes EVERYWHERE! We went to a few local Harley places and checked out the scene. It was quite interesting and definitely great for people watching. I really enjoyed listening to all the bands and dancing with the Harley riders from across the country.
Not what I originally had planned for Labor Day weekend, but hey it's been fun so far!
Peace&Love
~l
Friday, September 4, 2015
Taking Stock- September Edition
Making: lists for my trip to Oregon
Cooking: Nothing
Drinking: lots of green tea
Reading: lots of job descriptions
Wanting: someone to cuddle with
Looking: at old pictures
Playing: Trivia crack
Remembering: how amazing this summer has been
Trying: to eat healthier again
Watching: Graceland
Deciding: what my next life move is
Wishing: I had more hours in a day
Enjoying: the idea of a 4 day weekend
Planning: my trip to Oregon
Waiting: for Tuesday and another bucket list item to cross off
Liking: the cooler, crisp fall air that is in store next week
Needing: a massage
Wearing: pj's
Noticing: my self confidence take a dip
Smelling: nothing
Buying: currently nothing as my debit card has been lost
Craving: sweater weather and pumpkin spice lattes
Peace&Love
~L
Cooking: Nothing
Drinking: lots of green tea
Reading: lots of job descriptions
Wanting: someone to cuddle with
Looking: at old pictures
Playing: Trivia crack
Remembering: how amazing this summer has been
Trying: to eat healthier again
Watching: Graceland
Deciding: what my next life move is
Wishing: I had more hours in a day
Enjoying: the idea of a 4 day weekend
Planning: my trip to Oregon
Waiting: for Tuesday and another bucket list item to cross off
Liking: the cooler, crisp fall air that is in store next week
Needing: a massage
Wearing: pj's
Noticing: my self confidence take a dip
Smelling: nothing
Buying: currently nothing as my debit card has been lost
Craving: sweater weather and pumpkin spice lattes
Peace&Love
~L
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Carrying The Weight
It's been a LONG time since I've had a solid good cry. Not too long ago it felt like a daily occurrence. I'm glad that it isn't anymore. But today, just now I broke down. I'm not even sure where it all came from. Having recently turned 27, reality has set in. I was ok with turning 27. I was the happiest I've been in a long time. Don't get me wrong, tomorrow I will wake up and things will go back to normal. I suppose every once in awhile a person just needs to cry out the bad things. I've kept a lot of emotions and things inside over the past few months as well. I haven't fully faced my demons.
What am I dealing with?
This dead end job I'm in. The constant pressure to be something I'm not when I'm there. To show that I'm passionate for something I'm clearly not interested in. The amount of times I have come this close to putting my keys on the desk and walking out is becoming too many to count. I have applied for at least 3-4 jobs a week for the past 2 months and have had no bites and I'm beginning to doubt myself in every sort of way. I have no experience in anything else other than my current career choice and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go to a job that I'm absolutely in love with and that doesn't feel like work.
Being single. Don't get me wrong, I've needed this for awhile. You all know my ups and downs with the ex boy. He was my life and everything. But fighting for him was exhausting and wore me down. He was this drug to me. He was completely hard to give up. There are still days that I think about him and wonder if we did things differently if we could have ended up in a different situation. I've really enjoyed being able to be on my own and find myself again. I don't feel like I need to answer to anybody. But honestly, having someone to share your day with and kiss your wounds and hold your head up is really great to have. I also thought that at this point in my life, I would be married, or at least headed that direction. I also see 30 not too far off in the distance and I just being to question every choice I have made regarding relationships in the past. I think about any guy I've just hung out with or dated and how come it didn't work. Was it me? Was it something I did or didn't do? Where did I go wrong? Typically, guys just stop talking to me without so much as a "hey you seem cool and all but I just don't feel a connection or I'm not interested." Is that really too much to ask? I don't need this long drawn out explanation, but a simple I don't want to hang would be nice. Do I really scare men away? How do they suck me in with their sweet talking, good looks, romantic gestures and then leave me by the wayside after a few weeks/months/years? Does that make me gullible? I certainly feel used and that I've wasted way too much time in relationships that were clearly going nowhere. Can any guy out there tell me why you just don't respond? Are you afraid of offending me? Am I really that boring? Am I really that uncool? I'm trying to understand and see it from a guys perspective. I don't play hard to get. If I like you, you will know. Maybe for some it's too much too soon. I'm also excessively trusting of people when I first meet them. Maybe that's a flaw of mine. But as I've been continuously let down or blown off, I've been building this ever higher brick wall around me that will take someone a long time to take down. I digress... I'm not even seriously looking for anyone to be with. It doesn't seem to matter what route I take...online, through friends, at a bar, etc. Nothing works. I know people say you don't go looking for love, because then you are forcing it, you let it find you. When it comes you will just know. I had that once though and maybe nothing will ever be as good as that was.
My own place. My own home. A place to call mine. I can't say I'm desperate for a house. I'm not even 100% sure this is where I want to live/stay. All my friends are here and bits of my family, but I feel if I buy a house I'm tying myself down and thats it. I love living with my friend in her house, but it is still her house. I don't want to stay too long. I want to have every bit of independence I possibly can. I appreciate her letting me live with her. But at times it feels too much. I want to be on my own, doing my own thing. I've had such a blast living life with her this summer and I don't regret any of it. I've met some amazing people and some not so amazing people who have ripped my soul out. But you guys, I'm a gypsy soul. A free spirit. I don't last too long in one place. This heart of mine is wild and it beckons to be out and about in the world. I could spend every last penny and every last breath travelling the world and I would be happy.
Sorry for the sadness dump. But I just needed to get things off my chest!
Peace&Love
~L
What am I dealing with?
This dead end job I'm in. The constant pressure to be something I'm not when I'm there. To show that I'm passionate for something I'm clearly not interested in. The amount of times I have come this close to putting my keys on the desk and walking out is becoming too many to count. I have applied for at least 3-4 jobs a week for the past 2 months and have had no bites and I'm beginning to doubt myself in every sort of way. I have no experience in anything else other than my current career choice and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to go to a job that I'm absolutely in love with and that doesn't feel like work.
Being single. Don't get me wrong, I've needed this for awhile. You all know my ups and downs with the ex boy. He was my life and everything. But fighting for him was exhausting and wore me down. He was this drug to me. He was completely hard to give up. There are still days that I think about him and wonder if we did things differently if we could have ended up in a different situation. I've really enjoyed being able to be on my own and find myself again. I don't feel like I need to answer to anybody. But honestly, having someone to share your day with and kiss your wounds and hold your head up is really great to have. I also thought that at this point in my life, I would be married, or at least headed that direction. I also see 30 not too far off in the distance and I just being to question every choice I have made regarding relationships in the past. I think about any guy I've just hung out with or dated and how come it didn't work. Was it me? Was it something I did or didn't do? Where did I go wrong? Typically, guys just stop talking to me without so much as a "hey you seem cool and all but I just don't feel a connection or I'm not interested." Is that really too much to ask? I don't need this long drawn out explanation, but a simple I don't want to hang would be nice. Do I really scare men away? How do they suck me in with their sweet talking, good looks, romantic gestures and then leave me by the wayside after a few weeks/months/years? Does that make me gullible? I certainly feel used and that I've wasted way too much time in relationships that were clearly going nowhere. Can any guy out there tell me why you just don't respond? Are you afraid of offending me? Am I really that boring? Am I really that uncool? I'm trying to understand and see it from a guys perspective. I don't play hard to get. If I like you, you will know. Maybe for some it's too much too soon. I'm also excessively trusting of people when I first meet them. Maybe that's a flaw of mine. But as I've been continuously let down or blown off, I've been building this ever higher brick wall around me that will take someone a long time to take down. I digress... I'm not even seriously looking for anyone to be with. It doesn't seem to matter what route I take...online, through friends, at a bar, etc. Nothing works. I know people say you don't go looking for love, because then you are forcing it, you let it find you. When it comes you will just know. I had that once though and maybe nothing will ever be as good as that was.
My own place. My own home. A place to call mine. I can't say I'm desperate for a house. I'm not even 100% sure this is where I want to live/stay. All my friends are here and bits of my family, but I feel if I buy a house I'm tying myself down and thats it. I love living with my friend in her house, but it is still her house. I don't want to stay too long. I want to have every bit of independence I possibly can. I appreciate her letting me live with her. But at times it feels too much. I want to be on my own, doing my own thing. I've had such a blast living life with her this summer and I don't regret any of it. I've met some amazing people and some not so amazing people who have ripped my soul out. But you guys, I'm a gypsy soul. A free spirit. I don't last too long in one place. This heart of mine is wild and it beckons to be out and about in the world. I could spend every last penny and every last breath travelling the world and I would be happy.
Sorry for the sadness dump. But I just needed to get things off my chest!
Peace&Love
~L
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