Keeping Up With Everyone Else

I guess Happy New Year's Eve is in order. I'm just laying my thoughts out there just like everyone else on the year 2013.

First off, in a few weeks I hope to have my own personal blog up and running. With none of this stuff belonging to a BlogSpot.com. But who knows if that will happen at the rate I'm moving these days.

2013 has been a long and hard year for me. Not much of it was easy. Not much of it was fun. I suppose it all depends on how you look at it. I'd like to think the past couple of years for me have been great, this year I fell a little and had to learn some difficult life lessons. I also failed to complete anything on my bucket list and failed to experience a whole lot of new things. For that I'm disappointed in myself.

The first few months of this year boy and I took some time apart from each other. I will not go into depth here as to why. I can tell you it was the hardest time I have had to go through possibly ever. The questions and doubts lingered if I'd ever see him or talk to him again. He was such a big part of my life and just like that he wasn't. Then sometime in March out of the blue he sent me a text asking how I was, and all the emotions of the past couple of months poured out. Excitement started to seep into every vein and bone in my body. I was elated. But I didn't want to jump to anything too soon. We met up and talked, but not about what had happened. Eventually we did. We cleared the air. We decided to remain friends. That was it. Just friends. We talked as friends over the next couple of months and any time we got together I just wanted to hold his hand or kiss him. I knew I couldn't simply just be his friend. I had went to Myrtle Beach back in May, which was a great trip, and came back and spent an afternoon at the beach with boy. Basically, after a lot of awkwardness, he grabbed me and kissed me. He asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend again. Of course the answer was yes. We should have established rules straight away but didn't.

About this time I was also told that I needed to be out of my current living situation by July 1st. My ex-roommate and I had planned on moving out together, but after a period of us not talking to each other and her dropping the bomb on me that she found another place to live, I needed to find my own place and soon. I was lucky to have a friend at work who took me in and I moved in with her and her fiancé. I've been living here since July and its been great.

Boy and I were going through quite a bit of relationship stuff and things weren't looking so hot. We seemed to argue about the stupidest stuff, but neither of us really addressed the bigger issue. In August I turned 25 and was expecting a pretty big birthday and never got one. Boy was working more and more and was seeing me less and less. Boy and I went to Illinois for his birthday in September and went to a bed and breakfast and Chicago. After our return all hell broke loose. He had made a comment about a women on tv whose hairstyle looked sexy. I took offense to it. I usually don't care. I'm generally confident in myself. If you don't like who I am, then you don't need to associate yourself with me. Anyways I got mad about it. He asked if I was mad and I was like yeah. He basically rolled his eyes and told me I was being ridiculous. I was like fine then. I walked out and he didn't follow after. I waited for a few minutes and he didn't talk he just yelled at me. My defense was how do you think it makes me feel when you call another women sexy? One thing led to another. I stormed out of the house and sat in my car crying hysterically. Giving him time to come out and get me. If he wants me so bad, he will fight to have me. He came out for a split second then walked back in. We talked about the current situation and how we haven't been getting along since we got back together. I blamed a lot of it on his constantly working. We can't build a relationship if I see you once a week for 2 hours. At that point we are friends. I let him know how much I wanted him to be in my life and I needed to know that he was all in. If he had the slightest of doubts or wasn't going to make a change then we needed to be done. Luckily, he wanted to give it another try. Since then we've been really good. I still don't see him as much as I'd like, but its more often than before. Our times together haven't involved much fighting if any. We've been more open and honest with each other and that has helped us significantly. In recent weeks, he has been so loving, and kind and caring. Telling me how much he loves me, and wants to move in together and how we are meant for each other. Everything a girl wants to hear.

Our relationship this year has focused more on working the kinks out and making it past the one year itch. And although this year hasn't been easy for us, it has taught us a lot. It also made us a lot stronger. There is no one I'd rather be with than him bringing in the new year.

So here's to the New Year!

Peace&Love
~L

Christmas is Here

I find it strange that Christmas is upon us again...already. I understand now more than ever the stress associated with this holiday. As a child, I distinctly remember getting ready and excited to wake up Christmas morning to a living room full of presents. The anticipation as a youngster was there more than it is as an adult. Over the past few years I've just given Christmas a passing glance. It's not one of my favorite holidays, but I remember enjoying it once. As I reflect on Christmases past, I realize what is not there, is the traditions that I did. My siblings and I would always take turns picking out of our advent calendars and reading a Christmas story every night leading up til the Day. I remember being a piano student and having to perform in front of everyone on Christmas Eve and the practice that went into it. I'd have to be in the Christmas Eve program at school/church. After the program we'd have my family come over to eat and open gifts. This happened this way for years and years. Then something changed. The children grew up. The children began to move away for college. Getting together as a big family was virtually impossible. Then my parents split and that changed it all for good. Maybe the anticipation of Christmas went out the window when things began to change. When things weren't the same as before and never will be again.

I feel right now being the age I am, not having children, or my own family, that I'm ok with not fully enjoying this holiday. I like giving gifts to those I love to see the reactions on their faces. I'm not the greatest fan of spending the money. I also don't feel worthy enough to receive all the gifts I get. I also don't feel the preparations for the holiday. I haven't done a whole lot to get me into the mood of the season. And in two days this will be all done and gone. In a blink of an eye. I feel like its the same monotonous thing over and over, every year. Maybe, one day, when I'm married and have a family I will feel differently about this time of year.

In a week people I will be looking forward to 2014!

Peace&Love
~L

Tidbits on Life Currently

First off, I would like to say I hate snow! Then why do you ask I live in a place where snow is inevitable? Because its my home. I grew up in this area. Have friends and family around here. I also love the change of seasons, just not winter. Unfortunately, this year I think we are in for a long, miserable, cold, snowy winter. Needless to say this entire year has been a strange one of sorts weather wise.

I would like to take this blog in the direction I've been wanting to take it for some time. I know a small number of people read this blog, but I don't feel like it gets the attention I wanted from it. Sometimes I think I don't want to get rid of the BlogSpot behind the name, for the sake of anonymity. But the point of a blog is not to hide but to show yourself. I can still be anonymous in many ways on here and not pouring my entire personal life onto here. The original point of me doing a blog was to learn more about myself and discover things I'm passionate about and cross things off my list. It was a way for me to talk about my feelings and just let them out. But recently 'The Wanderer' has remained idle. I'm not at all looking to change my name or the reason behind it, I just want to capitalize on the things I want to do. Then share those things with you on here. Basically, my point is, I feel that when I come on here to share things with you, its not ever being shared. It becomes a waste of my time. I obviously need to this for myself first off, but I want to impact others in the process too. Over the next few weeks, I will be working on getting a .com without the BlogSpot. I hope to launch the new site on New Year's Day to start the year off right. I know my posting as of late has been few and far between, but I aim to be better for the new year.

That's my ramblings on life thus far.

Peace&Love
~L

The Day I Lost My Faith In Humanity

Generally I give people more than I should. I trust people too easily. I believe that people most of the time are good and upstanding citizens. I believe there are amazing people in the world who choose only to do good and pay it forward.

Today all of my views on society as a whole have changed. I have lost my faith in humanity.

I never thought it would happen to me. I thought I could trust everyone. If I respect you and your property I expect the same in return. I feel violated and paranoid. I no longer trust. My faith in humanity...no longer exists. What am I speaking of? Stealing. Or rather someone's attempt at stealing.

The story begins like this: I was doing a lot of random things at work today and was in and out of my classroom. I happened to get cold and needed my fleece from my room. It was naptime so there was one teacher in the room. She was from another center. I walked in like I normally would...she didn't even flinch. But what I saw when I turned the corner was her hand/arm deep in my purse. As soon as she realized another person standing there she got flustered and quickly occupied herself by picking things up off the floor. I was in complete shock. Now normally I would have been witty and said something like, 'is there something I can help you find in there?' or 'excuse me, but did your hand happen to slip into my purse?' But I was speechless. I keep kicking myself for not saying a thing, because eventually that shock turned to pure anger. I had initially kept walking into another room and talked to my roommate and said, 'pretty sure that girl was trying to steal from me' she was like you need to talk to our director. I walked out to talk to her and our assistant director and told them what I had just witnessed. Apparently, there was a case at her center of someone stealing but they couldn't figure out who it was. I think I found her. Stupidly, I had left my purse in the room, but quickly went back to retrieve it, only to see that she had placed something on top of my purse, for no reason. She also started asking strange questions. Perhaps, hoping that I would pretend this never happened. Shit got real, real fast. My director called her director and we informed the district manager. They had a meeting with this girl who basically said she accidentally bumped it while she was wiping the floor. I also had to talk with them and tell them what I saw. I had to show them and they tried to see if they could accidentally knock it without disturbing anything and it wasn't possible. The other strange thing was my wallet was wide open and I know for a fact that I never leave mine open. Luckily, I happened to walk in at the right time to ensure none of my money got stolen. I would have been even more pissed if I came home and realized someone had stolen it. All of a sudden, I became paranoid that if I left my purse somewhere unattended someone else would start digging through it. I never carry cash except this time. There really isn't much of value in there except my debit, license and social security card. I feel violated. Someone entered my personal space. My belongings. My life. I feel like because of one person's selfish choice I can't trust people anymore. I can't trust my things around other people and walk away from it. I know it is unfair, but how else should I feel? What did I ever do to her that she felt compelled to attempt to steal? I met her once before and I felt she was a nice person then. Now I feel completely different. How come I have to be a victim of this insane person? I almost feel like I have to go to therapy for such a petty crime...that was simply attempted, but not carried out. I can no longer trust anyone. I guess I knew that from the beginning...trust no one but yourself. But you can't honestly live life like that. You have to be able to know and respect that people will respect you. I want to believe want to be treated like I would want to be treated; kindly, but I'm not sure anyone cares. Everyone is selfish. Everyone is out there for themselves alone.

I would like to believe that I can get past this and trust people again. I want to believe that my faith in humanity will be restored. Maybe I'm the one that needs to get that ball rolling...pay it forward so to speak.


Peace&Love
~L

The First Snowfall

The first snowfall occurred about a week ago and it was quite magical as it always is to me. I love and have loved the first sighting of that white stuff falling from the sky. I'm not sure what it is that I love so much, because after that first one I hate it for the rest of the season. Maybe because it doesn't stick yet. Maybe because for a short time the world seems to be perfect and serene. This morning on my way to work it was snowing again and let me tell you it was perfect and quiet and peaceful. Snow can be magical and transform the landscape. Watching my kiddos watch the big flakes falling from the sky and really appreciating and understanding what it is, also helps.

Peace&Love
~L

An Emotional Week

There was so much that I wanted to fill you in on and talk to you all about, but this past week killed me in every possible way. It started off if you will last Sunday, boy and I had done some shopping for his Christmas party and things were and have been going great for us the past couple of months. Taking things slow and remembering why we fell in love with each other has been working. I said my good-byes to him on Sunday night and was preparing for what I thought would be an average work week. However, it was far from it. The lack of children in our room and the overstaffing and the loss of our A.D. really started to take its toll on me. Why me specifically? Because it directly effected me. Since our class was low, I had to be pulled out or sent home early. Instead of pulling someone else or having someone else come in later. But then anytime I try to talk to them, it becomes well it is the unfortunate disadvantage of working the earliest shift. Bullshit it is. So my hours being cut started this whole thing. Then the lack of hearing basically nothing from boy for a few days or seeing him, for no apparent reason, started me questioning everything. I was thinking...is he talking to another girl again? Is he really busy? Did I say/do something wrong? Why isn't he helping or supporting me during this emotional rollercoaster instead of bashing me and giving me tough love? That frustration continued to be bottled up. The drama at work only magnified. This girl was about to reach the breaking point. Then after talking to him for about 3 minutes last Wednesday and him basically telling me to grow up I hit that point. The one person I was relying on the most for support and understanding was him. So I cried and cried and cried. Then I decided at 830 at night after crying for an hour or so straight that driving would be a cure. It helped a little. I cried again Thursday at random intervals. I just wasn't happy. I had every right not to be happy. Thursday was a long day working from 6am-730pm. My other job had a Thanksgiving feast we all had to help and serve at. After we went out for a few drinks. I felt like this would help me, but it really didn't. On Friday, I was just so frustrated with the children that I needed to step away a few times just to catch my cool. I've decided my brain and my body are telling me its really time. Its time for a change in my aspects of my life. But I'm not going to get crazy and change everything at once. This will all take time. That night we had a surprise party for our A.D. whose official last day is this Tuesday. Lets just say even though I had no intentions of staying past 9 and getting drunk...both of those things happened. I unfortunately had to call boy to have him come pick me up and since we weren't really on our normal good speaking terms, things felt a little awkward. Yesterday was recovery day...still did some crying unfortunately. (Lets hope that I have nothing left to cry out.) I was anticipating at least seeing boy for a couple of hours last night since he worked all day, and he said he was too tired to. That's when I addressed the issues stated above...did I do something? Is there another girl? Etc. I don't know how well he assured me that everything was fine other than to call me crazy. Which at this point, I actually just might be. I didn't get to see boy again today. Although, his mom is having a dinner tonight, which he invited me to, but he is currently still working, so I'm guessing I won't be getting to see him tonight. I understand that he is busy and works, but if I am a priority like he says I am, he should be able to make time for me. I miss him deeply and I fear I miss him far worse than he misses me. I know as the holidays draw closer I will see him less and less no thanks to his stupid part time job in retail. I'm hoping this week will be less emotional than last...but I have a feeling I'm in for another long, crazy week. If I could just get one thing right now it would be a long and tight hug from boy just to remind me things will be just fine.


Peace&Love
~L

Life Quotes

Wow you all should be so lucky I've posted twice this week. I giving myself a pat on the back and a few small claps.

Today has been a day of reflection. Weird shit happened at work today, pointless drama. Drama that I dabbled in when I was 12. You know the 'how come I wasn't invited to your party? That is not fair' kind of drama. Won't go into much depth here...its a pointless topic. I avoid drama. Period. But it got me thinking, this place of work has been nothing but drama and walking on eggshells. Whatever you say can come back to bite you in the butt in a heartbeat or someone takes offense to how you said something that was never meant to be taken that way. People get rather egotistical and selfish when they are given more responsibility than someone else and the rest get jealous. (Needless to say I sometimes fall into that latter category.) I do feel I work my butt off and get little to no recognition or praise. Not that I'm necessarily seeking it, but when others get praise it needs to be evenly distributed amongst the coworkers. Generally speaking, I get along with most people, once I've gotten to know them. In all of my years of working, I have never had the drama and issues that I have had here. Which brings me to this point: if it no longer makes you happy or serves a greater purpose, and it is only stressing you out and making your life miserable, it is time to move on.

I know I have been down this road before...I've mentioned the job searching, but a person can only take so many rejections and no interviews before they give up and tough it out. But right now, this bullshit drama and the constant stress is finally coming to a head and its the drive to get me out.

These 2 quotes couldn't be more true. Love what you do and what makes you happy. Period.


Peace&Love
~L