Feelings of Jealousy

I admit that I feel this way. I don't like to say that I'm jealous of people because I like supporting and being happy for people. I shouldn't feel jealous at all but I do. A few months ago I was promoted at work. I became health and safety coordinator. One step lower than assistant director. Basically, I am third in command. More responsibility has been delegated on me and I also am opening manager. However, I have felt that this responsibility is shifting and being given to preggers. I love her as a friend and I get her being 8 months pregnant it's hard to do much anymore other than mainly sitting in the office doing that kind of work. Our director and assistant director have been off a lot recently so they like having the extra help when the other one isn't around. All of this is fine and dandy but I feel as though being third in command I should be the one pulled out of the room to get to do this stuff. Next week our director is gone for a conference leaving just the AD and I know preggers will be her second in command all week. Especially on Monday when both of them are out of the building I should have been designated the task of being in charge but instead preggers is and I don't find that to be fair. Again I understand she is limited because of her pregnancy but then don't tell me im going to be in charge and then take that away. I know it shouldn't be something I get upset about but she is getting trained to do all of this stuff that I thought I'd be learning and start getting trained in. I don't know what to do or if I should say how I feel about the situation because I already know what the answer will be. She's pregnant. She can't do much else. It's almost like she is part of the club and in with the higher ups by simply being pregnant. Would things be this way if she wasn't? I guess I can't think like that. I suppose this gives me more reason to find a better job.

Peace&love
L

I've Been Gone For Too Long

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written anything. As you know I left on my last post on a down note. Things weren't going so well for me. I can't say things have gotten worse but things aren't totally making me happy. Let me try to catch you up to speed as to where I am right now. (Excuse me if things are not typed correctly I'm using my phone. I am currently without internet so it becomes more of a hassle to go elsewhere to get internet.) everything that happened with my living situation luckily to care of itself quickly. I looked at a few places in my price range and settled on a small one bedroom not too far from where I work and easy access to everything. I wasn't able to move in until the middle of May but was fortunate a friend from work and her husband took me in for 3 weeks. That was a fun time with them and I appreciate getting to spend more time with her. More on her later in the post. I had help from my dad and ex boy moving me in and reality set in... I was living alone. For the first time ever in my life. I was severely independent from a young age and that hasn't changed. I had always wanted to live alone but could never afford to. I didn't think I could this time either but watching my finances has helped. Ex boy has gone through a lot of personal/emotional issues as of late wanting to get back together and then not. We are currently together and I'm happy to a degree. He for awhile was happy to be together and wanted to marry me. Up until last week things seemed to be going well. However, he has seemed really distant and seems to be doing the opposite of what I loved about him. I'm trying to change in order to make it work but he seems so set in his ways nothing will change him. I just have to be careful and guarded. I do love him and always will but right now something seems to be missing and that is lack of communication on his end. Trying to have a conversation is like pulling teeth. Above all I want to be happy. I am happy when I am with him and look forward to our time together but lately he is making me question everything and maybe it's time to move on. Let him find himself first.

That's pretty much the big news in my life this far most everything else has been small details. Becky as mentioned above is super pregnant and will be having a boy in August. We had a surprise baby shower for her which she almost ruined. I reconnected with my best friend from highschool and hopefully we can start doing more together. My grandparents celebrated 65 years of marriage and we had a wonderful weekend celebration for them. I've done lots of beach time and weekend relaxing but right now I'm needing a week long vacation away from this state. Whether it's me a lone or with a friend or with boy. I also hope to start keeping up with this blog. It's a great release for me.


Peace&love
L

Life is Chaos

You never really know how strong of a person you are until life just keeps handing you obstacle after obstacle and you are standing there incapable of stopping it. The weight of the world is crushing down on you and you are completely helpless. No one ever asks to be given struggles in life. No one likes having to deal with hardships. Life isn't easy. I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but the reasons for me not being on here or taking the time to make this blog become something more, is because life has got the best of me. Just when I think I'm going to catch my breath from that one difficult period, life laughs at me and says, 'oh sweetie, we are just getting started on the bad things.' Better saddle up and enjoy the ride, looks like this is going to be the year of struggles. I feel like I've had struggles every year and I always think that year, man this year has been tough, but honestly, this one has been by far the toughest I can remember. We are only 4 months in and I'm ready for a fresh start a new year. I know I shouldn't just look at the bad things, but my blessings as well, but right now, I can't remember the last time something good happened. So far this year...car accident, all the stress of buying a car and now paying car payments, still working 2 jobs-was hoping to put that second job to rest, but can't now because I need to find a place to live in less than 3 weeks, my boyfriend dumped me, but not for a very good reason, and in the past 2 weeks I've spent a majority of my time in the hospital/doctor trying to find out what was wrong with me.


The looking for a place to live was all just brand new stuff that my roommates decided to spring on me 2 days ago. I was unaware however, how much time I would have to get out of here. I figured they would wait til their lease was up at the end of May, but it looks like they will be gone on the 9th. They haven't actually told me that, just overheard it in a conversation they had. All of this was made possible because he decided to take forever and wait to renew his nurse's license. Apparently, the company never received his app renewal, and since he didn't bother looking for a temp job in the mean time, they are relying on her income only to pay the bills. Well obviously, her money won't take them far, so they decided it was time to move back to Michigan. They were going to stay with family for free until they could get back on their feet. I initially understood they needed to do what was best for them. However, after overhearing their conversations with family, all of it was a lie or at least partial truths. Apparently, they already have a place lined up to live in when they get there and have jobs already lined up. It's almost as if they knew months ago they were going to be moving, but never had the balls to say anything to me. It's shady. I hate shady people. You cross me once and I wash my hands of it. I thought things would be ok, but now there will be no relationship between us. I have to look out for me and my well being. I have to ask others to help me and I'm sorry that I'm not sorry if I have to tell people at work before you get a chance to. I was given no time to find a place. So now this is the payback you get. I never asked for it to get ugly, but if you aren't going to be honest and open with me, I won't care about you. I can play dirty too. This is almost exactly what happened last year at this same time. No more can I trust people. I need to be looking out for me and only me. I appreciate the people who have offered a temporary place for me to stay.


I know I shouldn't complain about things that are happening to me. There are far worse things that I could be going through. But all I ask is that once, just once I can get through a month without something major happening. I just want something good to happen for me. I want to not be stressed. I want to be able to navigate through this and be done with it. I just need some strength to get through.


Peace&Love
~L

On Hiatus

Sorry for the long time off, trust me it is probably not the only time in the next few weeks will be gone for a long period of time. As you can see I have my own space now a .com! I'm trying to seriously figure out how to get a better looking blog and perhaps get it off of blogger. Don't get me wrong I love blogger, and the free hosting, but as of recently, I've had too many problems to count. It's definitely time for a change around here. I'm ready to take this to the next level. But I'm about as clueless as they come for what I need to do next. I've got my domain name. Now I'm stuck. I'm reading up on things as much as possible, but sometimes the good ol' internets doesn't help me. Anyone have suggestions? I'm in dire need of them.


I don't even know where to start with what has happened in the past month. I thought that this year was going to be a good one, and we all know how well that started off. The hits just kept on coming. There is one major thing that happened, that I'm not quite ready to share or go into detail, since it breaks my heart to think about it, or say it. I'm not ready to breach that topic and I'm not ready for that chapter of my life to be over. So that has got me stressed and sad. Work has been harder. It gets more difficult everyday, mainly because I don't want to be there anymore. We are still in winter around here. Thankfully there is not much snow left, but it is freezing cold. That certainly doesn't make anything better. Especially on weekends, being cooped up inside constantly being forced to think about everything. I've also been toying with the idea of moving on my own. As much as I probably can't afford that right now, I need the time away from other people. I live with a pretty much married couple, which is alright, but I feel awkward 90% of the time and they feel more like parents, questioning where I'm going. I just want to be able to leave and come as I choose to.


I don't want you to think that all of it has been bad the past month, because it hasn't. I got 'promoted' if you will at work, to opening manager. So I get to be boss for about an hour. No raise though. I also am doing Learning Adventures, which is an extra curriculum for students to have more one on one focus. I also went to the St. Patty's Day Parade with Kelly in MKE, which was a lot of fun. Lots of people, cold weather, but good company. I know nothing terribly exciting, but its hard when my close friends aren't around or have their own lives.


This is probably my only post for awhile, while I get this whole blog thing set and going!


Help is always welcome!


Peace&Love
~L

The Winter That Never Ends

Seriously though?! The dumping we have all been waiting for here in good ol' Wisconsin has finally made its way to us. At one point early on this winter, back in December it seemed that it snowed every other day. We would get 3 inches sometimes a little more, sometimes a little less. But you know that begins to add up over time. Then it stopped. It didn't snow anymore. It just got very cold. Once in awhile we'd get an inch or a little dusting. But the snow from early on just stayed around. It never got warm enough to melt some of it away. Then the epic storm we have at least once a season hit today. 5-7 inches across the land. The nice thick, heavy stuff. You know the kind where you can make snowmen out of. So now it seems that this snow will stay forever. The next few days show signs of promise and of spring, but with rain forecasted and the warmer temps that will not make for a nice time around here. Flooding anyone? And then the bottom drops out again and we will be back to single digits and teen temps around here. I feel as if this has been one hell of a long ass winter. But I think we have been spoiled the past few years. Not much snow. Not much freezing cold days. We've lost our toughness and grit. We've forgotten what winter in the upper Midwest is really like. It sucks that we have been so spoiled. The feeling that the winter will at least go on for another 2 months makes my head hurt, my body is just ready for it to be over. The days are getting longer and that always makes me happy, but seeing the blanket of snow and seeing the forecast for colder weather doesn't.


Peace&Love
~L

At the End of the Rope

This past week, nearly 2 weeks, have been some of the most difficult and trying times of my life. Getting in a car accident, having to rent a car and stress about that, then having to find a car in limited time with limited funds has got me stressed beyond belief. We also had a shooting right outside our apartment a couple of nights ago, which has made everything that much more tense. I'm really trying to balance everything in my life. I'm really trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for a car, on top of everything else I was already struggling to pay. I know in the long run, this will all work out and be better for me. I will have a nice car. I hope to have nice easy payments on the car. I don't want to get behind on paying for student loans or anything like that either. I am just struggling over here. Hanging on with one hand, probably just one finger and I'm about ready to let go. But I have to keep trusting and have faith that God has this all figured out.




Peace&Love
~l

How to End a Month With a Bang

Let me tell you how to end a rather dull, long, boring month with a bang. You are probably thinking to yourself, 'she went on an awesome vacation to some tropical beach' or 'she went to an amazing concert' or even perhaps 'she scored tickets to the superbowl'. Unfortunately it was none of those things.


This past Wednesday I was in a car accident. Not my fault. I was rearended by a woman who was not paying attention to me. She was too concerned about the other drivers turning than the one car she should have been paying attention to. I happened to be the lucky soul who got to deal with this women's lack of attention. This is my first major accident. My car is no longer my car. My car and I have been through a lot of stuff and most of it not good over the past year. So I can't help but think that this is a blessing in disguise. As much as the situation sucks, because I already have plenty of bills to pay a month and car payments are not something else I would like to have. My car was paid in full and I was hoping to make it at least another 5 years on that baby. I was an emotional wreck that night and couldn't help but think, when is it going to be my turn for something great to happen?! I feel like I give and give of myself and help and am kind to those around me, but yet I keep getting the short end of the stick. I also want to just go back to that day and not be ahead of her. I always think when I drive past accidents, 'thank God it wasn't me' or 'just a few minutes earlier that could have been me.' Well, now it is me and I get to deal with all the messy insurance companies and possible lawyers as well as trying to find a car for cheap. I also need a way of getting around, because currently, I feel like I'm on house arrest. But I shouldn't complain, I was seriously injured, nor am I dead. Worse things could have happened.


The next day boy and I got into a huge fight and said things we shouldn't have said to each other. I more than him and still feel utterly horrible about it. I apologized over and over and I know he is still holding a grudge about it. But I know he still loves me and cares because he picked me up yesterday and he didn't have to and then spent countless hours with me at the hospital. I could tell he was still mad, but the fact he did those things through his anger, shows me how much he loves me.


Yesterday morning, my ride to work in the morning got pulled over for not stopping completely at a stop sign. At this point, I was laughing hysterically, because that was really what I needed to cap off a wonderful week. I had my pity party for myself and all I want right now is a car. I hate relying on other people for anything, and its going to be hard to suck up my pride and allow people to help. I'm hoping I get a car soon. I'm also hoping I'm not fearful of getting behind the wheel of a car and being able to drive.




Peace&Love
~l