Taking Stock: April Edition

Making: efforts to eat more clean
Cooking: eggs and avocado and bacon...ALL. THE. TIME.
Drinking: flavored water
Reading: about camping trips
Wanting: a longer vacation, alone, to think about life
Looking: at old pictures
Playing: The Lumineers on repeat
Remembering: this time last year
Trying: to forget about this awful day
Watching: iZombie...don't ask
Deciding: what to wear tomorrow
Wishing: for a better tomorrow
Planning: on getting my budgeting back on track
Enjoying: this 80 degree weather in APRIL!
Waiting: for league softball to start
Liking: eggs, avocado and bacon
Needing: some answers to which direction I'm headed in in life, and quickly
Wearing: workout clothes
Noticing: my patience at work is wearing thin
Smelling: nothing
Buying: nothing, trying to limit my spending
Craving: pizza

Here's to better tomorrows and to answered questions!

Peace&Love
~L

Accepting Myself

I know me. I understand me. I know what makes me happy, angry and sad. I know what I like and dont like. Im constantly evolving. Im not perfect. I make mistakes. I am a health nut. Runner. Advocate for nutrition. Im an asthmatic. I have allergies. My body is weaker than some. But I am strong. I am a fighter.

The past few months have been a whirlwind of sorts. I have been dealt my fair share of minor health problems. Ive been dealing with sharp pains in my abdomen/uterian area only to come to find ovarian cysts. Ive had rashes that no doctor can figure out, other than possible allergic reactions, even though nothing in my daily routine had changed. Ive had the flu and an upper respiratory infection all in a short 3 months. You would think my 27 year old body was shutting down, but its still fighting.

Yesterday I had a slew of tests done for my asthma. Im not sure what any of it means yet. I have no information on any of it. What I do know is, I dont want to be on any heavy steriods or other meds. I want to find a natural way to take care of my asthma. I want to be smart about it too. I exercise at least 5 times a week and yet I still struggle daily to breathe. I dont want this hindrance, when exercise should be helping. I want answers as to what I can do and what I need to change in my lifestyle. I hate having to deal with this, but I also know Im strong enough to handle whatever gets thrown at me. I will keep working too find an answer. I will keep fighting.

Peace&Love
-l

Taking Stock March

I apologize for not writing on here really at all these days. Life in more ways than one has gotten the best of me. Ive been dealing with a lot of health issues from ovarian cysts to upper respiratory infections, which I currently cant seem to shake.

Making: meal plans for my clean eating
Cooking: healthy meals
Drinking: hot cocoa
Reading: inspiring quotes
Wanting: life to give me something good here
Looking: at ways to improve my overall health
Playing: quiet tunes
Remembering: my trip to portland
Trying: to accept that Im not in the best place health wise
Watching: The Blacklist
Deciding: what to do with my weekend
Wishing: I had someone to take care of me
Planning: my visit to the pulmonary specialist
Enjoying: cuddling in a warm blanket
Waiting: to get back to 100%
Liking: quinoa
Needing: some advice
Wearing: sweats
Noticing: the weather is finally looking up
Smelling: nothing
Buying: rounds of kickboxing
Craving: a big, long hug

Peace &love
~l

Taking Stock: February Edition

Making: efforts to make better meals
Cooking: healthy foods
Drinking: gatorade
Reading: a whole lot of nothing
Wanting: more time outside
Looking: for shamrock leggings
Playing: dots
Remembering: relationships Ive had with people and what they all meant to me
Trying: to understand its good to be alone
Watching: trash tv
Deciding: between getting masters or travelling
Wishing: i had more vacation time
Planning: girls night out
Enjoying: the longer days
Waiting: to get my next tattoo
Liking: vaseline for my dry skin
Needing: an adventure
Wearing: work attire
Noticing: how empty my life feels
Smelling: nothing
Buying: not healthy foods
Craving: pancakes

Peace&Love
-l

Trying to be Brave

It is hard for me to think about where Im going in this life. I live life day to day and try not to think about what the future holds. This has been hard to do especially recently. Time to get a little graphic here...

About 6 months ago I started developing pain in my lower stomach/uterian area. I chalked it up to menstrual cramps and moved on with life. However, the pain started to get more severe and more frequent. This concerned me because growing up, I guess you could say I was blessed, but I never had bad cramps and my periods lasted for about 4 days and were done. Now I was looking at longer and heavier ones. My cramping was so bad days prior to having my period that I physically had a hard time doing anything. I went to my doctor immediately and she discussed my options. Which at the time, I was too scared to ask questions or push for tests, even knowing my family history of uterian cancer. She told me I could either go on a low dose birth control pill to help regulate everything and hopefully take away the pain or just take lots of pain meds prior to my period instead of taking the pill. I decided to at least try the pill. Now here I am 3 months later and probably in the most severe pain Ive been in my whole life. It has gotten to the point where I call in to work because otherwise I would be keeled over in gut wrenching pain. At points, I have to vomit because of that pain. I have no appetite or desire to put anything into my body. Whats worse is the pain comes suddenly and lasts for hours. Yesterday, the pain hit and it hit hard. Thoughts swirled in my head of all the potential things it could be. It made me mad at my doctor for thinking just a pill was going to help and when I called her awhile back to ask her what to do, she said to try at least another month. Here I am half a month into her request to finish out the month and I just dont think I can. I called my mom, who had her uterus removed because of a tumor and asked what she felt. Was I feeling that as well? My cousin had to at an early age remove hers because of cancer and had no chance of having children. Im 27, not married and have no children. I have been happy living this way, because Im not ready to have a child and I havent found the one to settle down with and make that happen. But the possible idea of not being able to create that miracle scares me to no end. I think about how Im too young. How its not fair I have to go through this. And most of it Im going through completely alone. The endless online searches to self diagnosis all the possibilities, when in fact I have no clue. I just have to take a step back and start over. Find a new doctor. Pray on it. Get all the proper tests and procedures. Pray on it. Not jump the gun on thinking it could be my death sentence or that my opportunity to have children has been taken away from me. I know how strong I am and how strong I can be. This is the ultimate test of bravery. Whatever the outcome is, good or bad, how will I react?

Peace&Love
-l

Realization

Somewhere between wanting to be free, young, wild and crazy and reconnecting with him and losing him all over again I lost some of myself trying to figure it all out. As if I needed answers to everything right away. I was holding on so desparately to something that was toxic to me. I wanted so badly to just be with someone. Someone who would take away the hurt, the sting of loneliness, but instead I was getting more hurt, confused, and lonely. Why? Why would anyone put themselves through that? Perhaps I was just blind by my own ignorance and love. But I was never getting the full truth and sometimes I would just brush things under the rug, because I didnt want to believe those things or that they werent big enough to face. I didnt realize it until recently, how much I was being used and walked all over. How much I never knew what was actually going on. Not once and probably more than twice, I was cheated/dumped on because I was too boring. I should have left the first time. I should never have let that continue, because it only got worse. But there I was crying nearly everyday because I never felt good enough, but I wanted him more than anything. Ladies, you should never have to put yourself through that emotional pain. Just because you love someone, doesnt mean they love you back the same or at all. I was used to that pain. I was comfortable with him. Afraid to let him go. He was my best friend and maybe that was the biggest reason I didnt want to lose him. He understood me like nobody else. But yet I wasnt worth it to him. He still wanted to go off and have relationships with other women and I guess loved them too. I get you can love multiple people in different ways at different levels, but how many can you truly love? Everytime we got back together I wanted to believe it would be different. But somehow I was the one who was not to be trusted. I was the one making the wrong choices. I was the one causing pain. When in fact, nothing about me had changed at all. I wanted, with every fiber of my being for us to work, for me to believe everything he said. But it was in those moments that fighting became exhausting. I still felt like I was being lied to. I still felt that if it wasnt in 6 months or a year, at some point I would be boring again and he would ultimately want someone else and love them too. I could never explain the pain he put me through to him. It is never what a woman wants to hear that your man wants to marry you, loves you and has always had good times with you, but then says he loved and had good times with a woman he was just recently involved with. How does that make you feel any different? How special are you at that point? Do I think about him all the time? Yes. Do I wish for things to have been different? Yes. Did I see a future with him? Yes. Do I miss him? Yes. Will I always care about him? Yes. But its realizing that you have to protect yourself and be happy with yourself first. It is recovering from that. Picking up all the pieces and rebuilding yourself. I am a stronger, more independent, stubborn, and sometimes cold hearted woman. But i realize I need and have to put myself first. To me, he was always worth my fight, my tears, my heartache. But Im not sure I was worth all that to him. It is in letting go of what no longer serves you that makes you better.

To the long road ahead...

Peace&love
-l

Taking Stock January Edition

Making: goals and dreams happen
Cooking: healthy foods
Drinking: warm drinks
Reading: whatever I can when I have time
Wanting: a few more days off of work
Looking: for ways to save money
Playing: Dots
Remembering: what 2015 taught me
Trying: new workouts
Watching: Making A Murderer
Deciding: on a small weekend trip with the girls
Wishing: I could smell again
Planning: on fun winter activities this month
Enjoying: my last day of freedom before work consumes my life
Waiting: for this week to pass
Liking: any lotion that I can put on my body
Needing: a giant cup of tea
Wearing: flannel jammies
Noticing: the days are getting longer
Smelling: see wishing above
Buying: clothes
Craving: someone to cuddle with

Peace &Love
-l

On 2016

This year I hope will be just as fun and wild as last year. I hope I find myself smiling a lot more and enjoying every single day. My objective this year is to let go and live more simply. I want to let go of things and people that no longer have a purpose in my life. I cant keep holding onto things that are weighing me down. There are people who are meant to be in my life and there are some who are not. I want to rid myself of all that is bad. Im done living a life that makes me cry, feel hurt or upset or mad. Im ready to let go of it all. Im ready to live in the moment and live simply. Clearing out the clutter. Getting rid of whatever I no longer have a use for. Being more realistic not materialistic. Im working on seeing the positive in every single day. Im trying not to let the bad days get to me or stress me out. 2016 is a year for more growth and change. Cheers to it!

Peace&Love
-l

Embarking on a New Year

Just like everybody else Im reflecting on what 2015 brought me and what 2016 will bring. Last year was one of the best years I have had in recent memory. There were difficult times and times of confusion and hurt, but most of my year was spent doing exactly what I had wanted which was taking more risks. I didnt set lofty or unrealistic goals that I knew I would never achieve. I picked a word and based my year on that. Through this, I was able to cross things off my bucket list that I otherwise wouldnt have done. Yes, I did pick things to do like writing in a journal everyday, which held steadily for the first 3 months, but then ceased to exist by August. This year I plan to cross 5 more items off the list, which is what I did last year. 2015 went a little something like this:

JAN- ex boy moved into my apt, which from prior posts you know that was good and bad and confusing all at the same time.

FEB- ex boy continues to live with me. Valentines was spent with a great group of people being fully aware of our single status.

MAR- needless to say not much happened here other than countless fights with ex boy and the apt was basically falling apart.

APR- the weather was finally getting warmer and the boy continues to live with me. Went on a trip to Boston to visit my sister and enjoy some hockey games.

MAY- gave up living alone and moved in with a friend which has helped my finances tremendously. Went to my one and only Brewers game of the year.

JUNE- the days get longer, the nights get shorter. My life became rather busy and full. I celebrated my grandpas 90th birthday and had a mini family reunion. Celebrated fathers day and my dads birthday. Went to a friends baby shower. Met a new guy, which didnt last, but that taught me a lot. Went on my first motorcycle ride. Loved it.

JULY- my fav holiday, Independance day was celebrated with parades, fireworks, drinking, sparklers and more drinking. Kayaking and lots of day drinking through the month. Went to the Waukesha County fair and dont remember most of it. My dad and I went to the MKE air show. I also saw Carrie Underwood at summerfest.

AUG- I celebrated my birthday. I celebrated a wedding of a dear friend from highschool and learned the meaning of being alone or rather dateless. Went up north for a weekend and lived the simple life. Boating. Drinking. Being off the grid at times. And preseason Packer gaming.

SEPT- enjoyed some days off. Celebrated a friends kids birthday and the start to Packer season. I got my first tattoo.

OCT- celebrated another friends wedding and ended up getting really sick. Enjoyed summer like weather for a majority of the month. Went to Portland and Seattle and fell in love with the place. Met up with ex boy and tried to work things out.

NOV- ate lots of food for Thanksgiving. Had our first Friendsgiving with important people in my life.

DEC- enjoyed ice skating, Christmas Carol performance and the holidays with my family. Attended some Christmas parties for work. And finally got our first crazy snowstorm of the year.

All in all I checked things off my list, learned to take risks and try new things, which has definitely made me more confident and ready for 2016. Which I will post about later.

Peace&Love
-l

The Holidays

As I sit here and reflect on the past few days Ive realized some things:

Im getting older. No way around that one. This time of year has and always will hold that special feeling, almost like magic. I hope all adults feel this way. That magic wasnt lost on me this year, but I felt some of it was missing. I felt the mood I was in to be lackluster. The realities of finances rear its ugly head, as you try to find the right gift at the right price while not taking away from the love you have for the person you are buying said gift for. I can say that I proudly bought what I bought and thought about each gift and spread out my shopping, as to not drop a couple hundred in one paycheck. Im getting older in looking at my grandparents who are 90 and the drastic change one year can make. Both have been blessed with great health, but their age is playing more into their overall fraility. The fear they wont be around forever reminds me that I wont either and I better start making this life worth it.

I also realized that I love my family dearly, but consistent days in a row with them, make me appreciate that we dont live so close.

Even though I was with friends and family I love, I still felt lonely. A part of my heart was missing. For the past couple of years, Ive had someone to share the holidays with or at least be in my life and it makes the time all that more enjoyable. I miss making memories with a significant other. I also think to the future, and how one day I want to share these memories with them, plus future children. I want to be able to create traditions with them, like my parents did with me.

Peace&Love
-l

Words

Words. We use them and see them in everyday life. Something so simple can mean so much. Do we realize how much weight they carry? How these little things can be so beautiful but yet painful and full of deceit. Words can be so easily twisted. Things you say may not come out the way you meant them too. Im trying to be better at what i say and how I say it. Ive been hurt by people in my life and the last thing I want to do is hurt someone else. I know Im not perfect and I still say things I regret. But no matter words are so profound and something as simple as I love you means so incredibly much. I stumbled upon this quote and felt it fitting for all of this

"Four things you cant recover
The stone after the throw, the word after its said, the occasion after its missed and the time after its gone."

How true for all of these but especially the word after its said. You cant get it back, no matter how much you wish to. Whats said is said and you cant go back and take it back. We are harsh people and we say cruel things all the time, but maybe we should start saying kinder words to each other.

Ive said things to some people who mean the world to me that i wish I could eat back up and never have said it, but time wont take me back and the words will still fall out of my mouth. For anyone I have hurt with my words Im sorry.

Peace&Love
-l

Taking Stock December Edition

I cannot believe that it is December already. As I write this, there are big white snowflakes falling down and although it is not the first time this season, it is still magical. I also write this with lots on my mind that Im trying to sort all out. So here it goes...

Making: Christmas lists for friends and family

Cooking: does salad count?

Drinking: anything warm

Reading: Commencement

Wanting: answers to everything in life

Looking: for the perfect gifts

Playing: Christmas music

Remembering: where I was at this point last year

Watching: Arrow and The Flash

Deciding: on what to do with the thoughts swirling in my head

Hoping: for peace and joy and happiness in the coming weeks

Planning: activities for my sister and I during Christmas week

Enjoying: the quite and sudden snow

Waiting: for the new year to make new resolutions

Liking: hot showers

Needing: someone to help me figure out things

Wearing: gym clothes

Noticing: how many days are left in 2015

Smelling: I wish I could

Buying: Christmas gifts

Craving: salty foods

Peace&Love
-l

Thanksgiving

Things to be thankful for:

-A job: as much as I hate it on nearly a daily basis, I have a place to work and earn money to support myself

-A house: it is not mine, and I lack some independence here, but I have shelter, warmth, belongings that are protected

-Money: it's not a lot, and I'm concerned at times I won't have enough to make ends meet, but it's more than I could ask for and more than most people have

-Friends: I can honestly count on one hand those that are closest to me, and who I have the deepest connections with and that I trust with anything

-Food: I may be picky, pickier than most, but I know that I will always come home to a fridge and pantry full of food, or at least enough to keep my belly full

-Opportunities: I've been given the chance to be able to do so many things, go back to school, find a new job, travel, etc.

-Family: There is impeccable distance between me and most of my family and I don't get to see many of them that often. It's also hard to get together under the same roof for holidays without getting a little dysfunctional, but I don't think I would pick a crazier bunch to be dysfunctional with. Although at times I feel the support is lacking and the communication as well, I know that love abounds.

I know there are times where I don't appreciate everything that I have, actually most times. I get jealous of people who seem to have more, or easier lives, or normal families. But looking back on life, I appreciate what I have more because I didn't have everything I wanted. My life isn't easy, but the struggle has made me stronger and better. The time spent with those I haven't seen in months or years yesterday was short and a little stressful, but worth it. I'm thankful for it all and for where God has put me at this moment in life.


Peace&Love
~l

Personal Pity Party

I dont like to talk about myself in a pitying manner. You know how you have those days where you hate the world and the world seems to hate you right back? Im having one of those days or mini phases of life. I cant complain because most everything in my life is good. Days are going to suck and that I know. But recently I feel that Im being attacked by those I call my friends and those that I thought were there for me. I feel overly cautious these days about who I can trust. Its very hard for me as it is to trust anyone and I dont just divulge all this information about myself to anyone. Im having issues with people at work and the attitudes they are showing me and at times being their boss I have to choose my words wisely and try to make sure Im doing the right thing. I also am having trouble with my living situation. Both of the girls are nice people, but I feel my friend is slowly pushing me away and she has this attitude where she can do no wrong and that is starting to wear on me. I dont like people who behave that way. Then she is very good at personally attacking me in front of others or completely ignoring me. She has never acted this way prior to the other girl moving in and Im not entirely sure where it is coming from. Her and the new girl are constantly doing stuff together and forgetting about me. Either that or I feel obligated to always do stuff with them. I need that alone time and down time without being questioned. I also dont want to bring something up because I dont want to start drama or confrontation. I know things wont get better if I dont say something. Its just a rough patch that hopefully will sort itself out soon.

Peace&Love
-l

Realities of Being Sick and Other Things

I feel like I have been terminally sick for the past nearly 2 months, with something. As soon as I get rid of one illness, I'm carrying another. Sad face. #itsthetimeoftheyear. On top of just general colds and asthma attacks, I've also been dealing with serious pain in/around my uterus. Which could be a variety of things and of course I've jumped to a lot of conclusions on what they all could be. Luckily, I have a doctor's appointment coming up next week, that hopefully will start to give me some answers. But in the mean time, when I'm not working crazy hours, I'm trying to make sure I'm resting. On top of all of that, I live in a house, where the girl who owns it, is doing some remodeling, taking down walls and putting in hardwood floors, you know typical stuff. However, with my current health situation, it is probably not the most ideal. Besides that, I feel that my life is kind of turned upside down and will be for the next month or two. Obviously something I can clearly handle, but something I really just don't want too, with the weather being colder and having nothing to do to get out of the house. I also just don't like having my established routine upset because it takes me awhile to adjust accordingly. With that being said, and not the only reason either, I have begun looking for another place to live. Not that I don't like Kelly or Caitlin, but there comes a point where it is too much and I do need that independence back. I like being able to come and go as I please, to where I please without having to tell anyone. I'm glad people care enough to know, but sometimes I just want to go, or I just want to be alone. I just need to make sure my financial affairs are in order. The old job hunt hasn't stopped either and because I'm currently not finding anything, I'm thinking of just doing a part time job for now and hopefully that will open new doors for me. If not going back to school to get my Master's has been in serious thought. 

Peace&Love

~L

Taking Stock November Edition

Making: calendar plans
Cooking: nothing
Drinking: water and lots of it
Reading: Womens Health
Wanting: answers to life
Looking: for winter sweaters
Playing: Hello by Adele
Remembering: my trip to the west coast
Trying: to keep smiling
Watching: Arrow and Flash
Deciding: on my outfit for work
Wishing: the weather we had today would last all winter
Planning: my next vacation
Enjoying: my cozy bed
Waiting: for a new job
Liking: being content
Needing: to stop spending so much money
Wearing: pjs
Noticing: how we have already made it to November
Smelling: air
Buying: nothing, keeping that in check
Craving: water

Peace &love
-l

Sitting In the Car on the way Back to Seattle

Its been a long, crazy, fun, adventurous, intense, and at some points draining week. I know I have been absent from blogging lately and there is so much I would like to write about, but there just isnt enough time anymore. Im currently on my way to Seattle from the Portland area and Oregon coast. I have always wanted to come here and finally have and enjoyed almost every minute of it. The coast was beyond words and Portland I may have fallen in love with a little bit. The Columbia River Gorge was a whole other level of beauty. It always seemed that I saw something and that nothing could top it, then I was realized how wrong I was. Tomorrow I fly out and I couldnt be happier, but yet at the same time I keep wondering if I focused on being here in the moment. Will this vacation have changed me or got my mind thinking? Pictures and more details to come when I arrive home!

Peace &love
~l

Here With Me by Susie Suh

We all have that song, that gets us every time we hear it. (I admittedly have more than one song like that, this is one of them.) Here are the lyrics: 

Caught in the riptide
I was searching for the truth
There was a reason
I collided into you

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Nobody knows why
Nobody knows how and 
This feeling begins just like a spark
Tossing and turning inside of your heart
Exploding in the dark

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Oh inside me
I find my way
Back to you
Back to you

Calling your name in the midnight hour
Reaching for you from the endless dream
So many miles between us now
But you are always here with me

Two words
In your hands
In your hearts
It's whole universe

You are always here with me

Peace&Love
~L

Taking Stock October Edition

Making: ideas for fall activities
Cooking: always nothing
Drinking: lots of water
Reading: job descriptions
Wanting: so badly to talk and see someone who means a lot to me
Looking: for fall decor
Playing: songs on repeat
Remembering: inside jokes with my family
Trying: to create a decorated bedroom
Watching: the Blacklist
Deciding: what dress to wear to awl wedding tomorrow
Wishing: for a few more warm summer like days
Planning: fall hikes
Enjoying: the crispness of fall by snuggling under my blankets
Waiting: for tomorrow
Liking: hand lotion for my increasingly dry hands
Needing: a good run
Wearing: flannel
Noticing: how fast the year has gone
Smelling: nothing, as my nose is plugged up
Buying: wedding presents and birthday gifts
Craving: a fresh donut :)

Peace&Love
-l

Summer in Pictures

This summer has been everything I have wanted. In some ways I didnt feel like I had much of a summer with all my weekends being booked with weddings, birthdays, and baby showers. It flew by and I look back on the past couple of months and wonder if it all really happened. In smapshots, here is what Ive done this summer...